Ok, so it's cross-over time again, in my own unique style. Gangsters and other criminal elements are present all through the Star Wars films, even more so in the EU, so here's a look at what might have occurred if Mario Puzo had written the screenplays, or Francis Ford Coppola or Brian de Palma had directed the films.

There are no prizes for guessing which films I've robbed and twisted the quotes from, as most film buffs will recognise them. For those that don't, ask away and somebody may answer.

So for starters, imagine that the Emperor is privately addressing his trusted advisors in his throne room. It is shortly after Order 66 and the birth of the Empire. The subject leads to his new apprentice, Darth Vader, and Sidious lets slip that he is the former Chosen One. Sate Pestage asks the question that all the others are thinking - just how did he get Skywalker to switch sides.

The Emperor's reply?

"I made him an offer he couldn't refuse."

!!!!

There's more...here's Vader in search of the name of the rebel pilot who destroyed the Death Star...

Darth Vader: Listen to me rebel scum. I got your head in a karkin' vise. I'll squash your head like a karkin' grapefruit if you don't give me a name.
Darth Vader: Give me the karkin' name!
Rebel: Sk-Skywalker.
Vader: Skywalker?
Rebel: Skywalker.
Vader: Skywalker? You made me pop your karkin' eye out of your head to protect that piece of nerf? Skywalker? You dumb nerfherder!
Rebel: Kill me.
Vader: I'll kill you. You nerfherder you! General Veers, do him a karkin' favor.

More Emperor shenanigans...

Vader: You're a blaster, you're really funny. You're really funny.
The Emperor: What do you mean I'm funny?
Vader: It's funny, you know. It's a good story, it's funny, you're a funny guy. [laughs]
The Emperor: What do you mean, you mean the way I talk? What?
Vader: It's just, you know. You're just funny, it's... funny, the way you tell the story and everything.
The Emperor: [it becomes quiet] Funny how? What's funny about it?
Grand Moff Tarkin: My Lord, no, You got it all wrong.
The Emperor: Oh, oh, Tarkin. He's a big boy, he knows what he said. What did ya say? Funny how?
Vader: Jus...
The Emperor: What?
Vader: Just... ya know... you're funny.
The Emperor: You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little karked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to karkin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?
Vader: Just... you know, how you tell the story, what?
The Emperor: No, no, I don't know, you said it. How do I know? You said I'm funny. How the kark am I funny, what the kark is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what's funny!
Vader: [long pause] Get the kark out of here, my Lord!
The Emperor: [everyone laughs] Ya nerfherder! I almost had him, I almost had him. Ya stuttering nerf ya. Pestage, was he shaking? I wonder about you sometimes, Vader. You may redeem under pressure.

But just prior to Sidious "coming out", here's what happened when Mace Windu, Kit Fisto, Saessee Tiin and Agen Kolar approach Palpatine in his office:

Palpatine: I AM the senate!
Mace Windu: Not yet!
Palpatine: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!

But what of Palpatine's minions? Here's what Dooku had to say to Obi-Wan when he had him imprisoned on Geonosis:

Dooku: I am the Anti-Christ. You got me in a vendetta kind of mood. You tell the angels in heaven you never seen evil so singularly personified as you did in the face of the man who killed you.

Count Dooku (after the battle of Geonosis): If there's one thing this last week has taught me, it's better to have Sith lightning and not need it than to need Sith lightning and not have it.

And on Geonosis, as Obi-Wan and Anakin approach him...

Dooku: Come on in here, you nerfherders! Come on, I'm waitin' for ya! What, you ain't comin' in? Okay, I'm comin' out! Oh, you up against me now, nerfherders! I'm gonna blow your karkin' brains out! You think you're big time? You gonna karkin' die big time! You ready? HERE COMES THE PAIN!


And on Cloud City:

Darth Vader: Listen Solo, I'm not gonna poodoo you, all right? I don't give a good kark what you know, or don't know, but I'm gonna torture you anyway, regardless. Not to get information. It's amusing, to me, to torture a Correllian. You can say anything you want cause I've heard it all before. All you can do is pray for a quick death, which you ain't gonna get.

Vader likes his torture, here's what was said on the Death Star...

Princess Leia: I already told you I don't know anything about any karking rebellion; you can torture me all you want.
Vader: Torture you? That's a good idea. I like that.


So that's what happens in the corridors of power - but what about the real gangsters? Well let's see:

Bib Fortuna: Jabba may have moved slow, but it was only because Jabba didn't have to move for anybody.

Jabba the Hutt: From now on, nothing goes down unless I'm involved. No sabacc, no spice deals, no nothing. A nickel bag gets sold in the Dune Sea, I want in. You guys got fat while everybody starved on the street. Now it's my turn.

That's Jabba's brief to the locals as he consolidates his business on Tatooine.

Jabba: You can get further with a kind word and a rancor than you can with just a kind word.

Ahh, philosophy the Hutt way.

And after Jabba orders Han and Luke's execution, here's what he had to say to Bib Fortuna...

Jabba: He musta thought it was white-boy day.

And his employees?

Dengar: A lot of holes in the Dune Sea, and a lot of problems are buried in those holes. But you gotta do it right. I mean, you gotta have the hole already dug before you show up with a package in the trunk. Otherwise, you're talking about a half-hour to forty-five minutes worth of digging. And who knows who's gonna come along in that time? Pretty soon, you gotta dig a few more holes. You could be there all karkin' night.

Greedo (to Solo): I think in all fairness, I should explain to you exactly what it is that I do. For instance tomorrow morning ill get up nice and early, take a walk down over to you and... walk up and see and uh... if you don't have Jabba's money for me, I'll... crack your karkin' head wide-open in front of everybody in the cantina. And just about the time that I'm comin' out of jail, hopefully, you'll be coming out of your coma. And guess what? I'll split your karkin' head open again. 'Cause I'm karkin' stupid. I don't give a kark about jail. That's my business. That's what I do.


And even good natured scoundrels who work for gangsters get in on the act...

...Here's a first draft of that cantina scene, you know the one, the one where Han shoots first...

Chewbacca: I can't believe what I just hear.
[he throws some money on the table]
Chewbacca: Here, Greedo, this is for you. I got respect for this kid. He's got alot of karking balls. Good for you, don't take no nerf of nobody. He says 'over my dead body' he tells him 'that's the idea'.
[to Han, joking]
Chewbacca: Han, you gonna let him get away with that? You gonna let this karking punk get away with that? What's the matter? What's the world coming to?
[Han pulls out a gun and shoots Greedo in the chest]

Chewbacca: What's the karkin' matter with you? What - what is the karkin' matter with you? What are you, stupid or what? Han, Han, I'm kidding with you. What the kark are you doin'? What are you, a karkin' sick maniac?
Han Solo: How am I meant to know you're kidding? What you mean, you're kidding? You breaking my karkin' balls?
Chewbacca: I'm karkin' kidding with you! You karkin' shoot the guy?
Wuher: He's dead.
Han Solo: Good shot. What do you want from me? Good shot. Karkin' rat anyway. Kid's all rat. He'll grow up to be a rat.
Chewbacca: You stupid nerfherder, I can't karkin' believe you. Now, you're gonna dig the karkin' thing now. You're gonna dig the hole. You're gonna do it. I got no karkin' line. You're gonna do it.
Han Solo: Who the kark cares? I'll dig the karkin' hole. I don't give a kark. What is it, the first hole I dug? Not the first time I dug a hole. I'll karkin' dig a hole. Where are the shovels?

The scene doesn't end there...

Wuher: No, let me ask you a question. When you came pulling in here, did you see a sign out in front of my cantina that said Dead Rodian Storage?
Han Solo: Wuher, you know I ain't seen no...
Wuher: Did you see a sign out in front of my cantina that said Dead Rodian Storage?
Han Solo: [pause] No. I didn't.
Wuher: You know WHY you didn't see that sign?
Han Solo: Why?
Wuher: 'Cause it ain't there, 'cause storing dead Rodians ain't my karking business, that's why!

And the aftermath...

Chewie: Oh man, I will never forgive yo butt for this. This is some karked-up, repugnant poodoo.
Han Solo: Chewie, did you ever hear the philosophy that once a man admits he's wrong, then he's automatically forgiven of that wrongdoing?
Chewie: Man, get out of my face with that poodoo. The nerfherder who said that never had to pick up itty bitty pieces of skull on account of your dumb butt.

Han: I got a threshold, Chewie. I got a threshold for the abuse I'll take. And right now I'm a speeder and you got me in the red. I'm just saying that it's karkin' dangerous to have a speeder in the karkin' red. It could blow.
Chewie: Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?
Han: I could blow.
Chewie: Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin' nerfherder, nerfherder! Every time my fingers touch brain I'm SUPERFLY T.N.T, I'm the GUNS OF THE NAVARONE. In fact, what the kark am I doin' in the back? You're the nerfherder should be on brain detail. We're karkin' switchin' right now. I'm washin' the windows and you're pickin' up this dead Rodian's skull.

This is what Jabba has to proudly say about his most ruthless bounty hunter:

Jabba: No matter how big a guy might be, Boba would take him on. You beat Boba with fists, he comes back with a bat. You beat him with a knife, he comes back with a gun. And you beat him with a gun, you better kill him, because he'll keep comin' back and back until one of you is dead.

And earlier, on Kamino, during the brawl between Jango Fett and Obi-Wan:

Jango Fett: That smarts, doesn't it? Slammed in the nose, karks you all up. You got that pain shooting through your brain, your eyes fill with water. That aint any kind of fun, but what I have to offer you, that's as good as it's gonna get, and it wont ever get that good again.

And it's not just restricted to criminals, other sentients can get in on the act too. Here's what was said about gambling:

Lando Calrissian: In Cloud City, everybody's gotta watch everybody else. Since the players are looking to beat the casino, the dealers are watching the players. The box men are watching the dealers. The floor men are watching the box men. The pit bosses are watching the floor men. The shift bosses are watching the pit bosses. The casino manager is watching the shift bosses. I'm watching the casino manager. And the eye-in-the-sky is watching us all.

And Clones?

Commander Cody: You kill anybody?
Commander Bly: A few Jedi.
Commander Cody: No real people?
Commander Bly: Just Jedi.

And in the Jedi Temple:

Mace Windu: Why do you want to be a Jedi?
Little Ani: To protect the... people and the... p...
Mace Windu: I'm not looking for the textbook answer. Why do you want to use the force.
Little Ani: The force?
Mace Windu: Yeah, why do you want to use the force.
Little Ani: Because... I...
Mace Windu: Yeah?
Little Ani: ...think I could help.
Mace Windu: You think you could help.
Little Ani: ...with the force.
Mace Windu: Thank you very much, you've been most helpful.
[Little Ani leaves]
Mace Windu: There goes the next Chosen One.

(that was the first draft for Episode 1's testing of Anakin)

And Yoda has something to say to Sidious:

Yoda: I'm talking about a massacre. They snatched my Jedi Order, hightailed it outta there. Would got away with it, but your apprentice, karkhead that he is, left his drivers licence in a dead guy's hand.

On Naboo...

Captain Tarpals: I can put you in Otoh Gunga on the night of the boss's heyblibber smash.
Jar Jar Binks: Really? I live in Otoh Gonga, did you put that together yourself, Einstein? Got a team of monkeys working around the clock on this?

Possible proof that Jar Jar was an innocent - he was set up for his banishment!

And finally:

Cin Drallig is first to react to Darth Vader's and his 501st's attack on the Jedi Temple, before drawing his saber to face the former padawan, he grabs his comlink and comms the APB Jedi frequency...

This is Cin Drallig at the Jedi Temple - somebody's turning the Jedi Order into swiss cheese. I need back up and assistance now. NOW GODDAM IT, NOW!

And really the last word...

If Vader had got his wish that Padme lived and they raised their kids whilst running the Empire, I'm sure they would have asked the Emperor to become...

...Luke and Leia's Godfather...!!!!!!!!