A recent blog prompted me to think about what R2-D2 actually says. I've never really thought about it before, because C-3PO or Luke usually tells us the gist of what he's going on about. But I had this notion that sometimes Luke's just guessing, and maybe 3PO has content filters in his programming that prevents him from actually repeating what the galaxy's favourite astromech says.

So I sliced into R2's computer core and managed to uncover his translations. I now know exactly what each boop, beep, whistle and toot means, and it is my intention to share with you exactly what is said. So without further ado, and in keeping with traditional Lucas sequences, I give you some of R2's scenes from a New Hope.

Int: Rebel Blockade Runner.

C-3PO: Did you hear that?
R2-D2: No mate I didn't. A piece of metal the size of 2 football stadiums just caught us and docked, why would I hear that?
C-3PO: They've shut down the main reactor, we'll be destroyed for sure. This is madness.
R2-D2: Actually, the term madness refers to having a disordered mind, so you speak for yourself.
C-3PO: We're doomed.
R2-D2: Take it easy, its not like we have any stolen plans in our memory banks or anything.
C-3PO: There'll be no escape for the princess this time.
R2-D2: Just like her mother remember? Oh no, you wouldn't.

Int: Rebel Blockade Runner. C-3PO is looking for his counterpart. Princess Leia is fiddling with R2's slot.

R2-D2: That's your message? Call that a mission? The guy must be in his 60s now, he'll be no help at all.
C-3PO: Artoo Deetoo where are you?
R2-D2: Hey you know, it doesn't have to be this way. Why don't we jump in an escape pod together. I could show you what other uses my appendages have.
Leia departs.
C-3PO: At last, where have you been?
R2-D2: Dude, I was trying to make out with the princess. Great timing!
C-3PO: They're heading in this direction, what are we going to do? We'll be sent to the Spice Mines of Kessel or smashed into who knows what.
R2-D2: I'm outta here. Quit whining and follow me.
C-3PO: Wait a minute, where are you going?
R2-D2: For a leak, whaddya think?

Minutes later...

R2-D2: These things are never droid friendly.
C-3PO: Hey, you're not permitted in there, it's restricted. You'll be deactivated for sure.
R2-D2: Hey is your name Marvin? Stop being such a paranoid android and get in, ya dumb mofo.
C-3PO: Don't you call me a mindless philospher you overweight glob of grease. Now come on, before someone sees you.
R2-D2: Talk to the appendage, Threeps. I'm going sandy side. Its all part of my plans to get the princess in the missionary position, but keep it secret.
C-3PO: Secret mission? What plans? What are you talking about? I'm not going in there.
R2-D2: Suit yourself, she may be up for a threesome though.
C-3PO: I'm going to regret this.

Ext: Tatooine.

R2-D2: There's never a steering wheel on those things.
C-3PO: How did we get into this mess? I really don't know how. We seem to be made to suffer, it's our lot in life.
R2-D2: Suffer? Do you not think all those years of peeking at her, and her mom for all those years without being able to touch is THE definition of suffering?
C-3PO: I've got to rest before I fall apart, my joints are almost frozen.
R2-D2: Frozen? In this place? Have you been on the mushrooms again?
C-3PO: What a desolate place this is.
R2-D2: Right, I reckon it's this way.
C-3PO: Where do you think you're going?
R2-D2: Dude, there aint no yellow brick road leading the way, so we're going this-a-way.
C-3PO: Well I'm not going that way. It's much too rocky. This way is much easier.
R2-D2: Maybe so, but no one lives that way buddy.
C-3PO: What makes you think there are settlements over there?
R2-D2: Just a hunch like, but my sensors are picking up buildings and stuff.
C-3PO: Don't get technical with me.
R2-D2: Well I'm going anyway, see if I care if you go missing.
C-3PO: What mission, what are you talking about?
R2-D2: Have you had another memory wipe, I just told you 10 minutes ago - I'm planning on getting jiggy with the dame in white.
C-3PO: I've just about had enough of you. Go that way. You'll be malfunctioning within a day you misguided scrap pile. And don't let me catch you following me, begging for help, because you won't get it.
R2-D2: Threepio, buddy. Last chance man, I'm sure she's up for it. COME ON MAN!
C-3PO: No more adventures, I'm not going that way.
R2-D2: Whatever.

Int: Jawa Sandcrawler.

C-3PO: We've stopped. Wake up. Wake up!
R2-D2: Whaaaa?
C-3PO: We're doomed.
R2-D2: Oh man, ya interrupted an awesome dream...
C-3PO: Do you think they'll melt us down?
R2-D2: No, but I might if you interrupt my dream about that MILF from Naboo again.
Jawa: Utini!
Jawa: Does my bum look big in this?
C-3PO: Don't shoot, don't shoot. Will this never end?
R2-D2: Will your whining never end, more like.

Ext: Lars homestead.

Luke: Well come on Red let's go.
R5-D4: Better luck next time pal.
R2-D2: Good luck, PAL. You know he's called Golden Rod don't you? I think you can work out why - and its not because he likes female droids...if you catch my meaning.
Jawa: Hey, Metal Mickey, stop talking trash.
R2-D2: Ow, you little punk.
R5-D4: I think I'll chance it with the jawas....ooops, that should do it.
Luke: Uncle Owen?
Owen: Yeah?
Luke: This artoo unit has a bad motivator, look.
Owen: Hey what are you trying to push on us?
Jawa: Geez I'm sorry man, he was fine earlier.
R2-D2: Threepio! Quick - tell blondie about my real fargin' prime condition or something.
C-3PO: Excuse me Sir, but that R2 unit is in prime condition. A real bargain.
Luke: Uncle Owen?
Owen: Yeah?
Luke: What about that one?
Owen: What about that blue one? We'll take that one.
R2-D2: Result!
C-3PO: I'm quite sure you'll be pleased with that one Sir, he really is in first class condition, I've worked with him before. Here he comes.
R2-D2: It's Miller Time!
Luke. Ok, lets go.
C-3PO: Now don't you forget this. Why I should stick my neck out for you is quite beyond my capacity.
R2-D2: Stop busting my balls.

Ext: Mos Eisley.

Stormtrooper. The door's locked. Move onto the next one.
R2-D2: Thank Christ they've run out of clones, those bad boys would have had this open in seconds.
C-3PO: I would much rather have gone with Master Luke than stay here with you.
R2-D2: Oh that's nice isn't it?
C-3PO: I don't know what this trouble is all about, but I'm sure it must be your fault.
R2-D2: Ah Threepio, É sempre il mio difetto.
C-3PO: You watch your language.
R2-D2: Kiss my metal butt.

Int: Death Star. R2 is plugged into another computer terminal.

R2-D2: This computer chick here says no one's apprehended the farmboy and gang yet.
C-3PO: Thank goodness they haven't found them. Where could they be?
R2-D2: Hello? McFly? Are you aware there's an invention called the comlink? You could use it you know.
C-3PO: Use the comlink? Oh my, I forgot. I turned it off. Are you there Sir?
Luke: Threepio?!
C-3PO: We've had some problems...
Luke: Will you shut up and listen to me...shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level will ya? Do you copy? Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level... Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level...
C-3PO: No! Shut them all down, hurry.
R2-D2: Listen lover, if you do this thing for me I'll show you how grateful I can be. What? No way! What, d'yer think I'm Correlian or something? If you shut down the mashers, I'll be yours all night baby, I promise...

Int: Yavin IV Computer Room.

R2-D2: That's right son, I'm holding the merchandise. That makes me the daddy. Be careful now...don't press that erase key or you'll be in a world of pain.

Ext: Yavin space, en route to the Death Star.

Luke: Red Five standing by.
R2-D2: Woo hoo - this is better than Saigon! Right Slick?



There's a bonus if you can guess what movie I nicked that last line from.

Stay tuned for Episode V.