Continuing with my Artoo translations (you can see the first instalment here), I proudly present to you, some of everyone's favourite little astro-droid's quotes from the Empire Strikes Back:

Int: Echo Base. R2-D2 and C-3PO are arguing as they head down a corridor.

C-3PO: Don't try to blame me, I didn't ask you to turn on the thermal heater...
R2-D2: Boy I don't know what's up with her, but she's so icy at the moment...
C-3PO: ...I merely commented that it was freezing in the Princess's chamber.
R2-D2: ...so I thought I could melt her a little, you know, a little ambiance, candles, wine...
C-3PO: But it's supposed to be freezing. How we're going to dry out all her clothes I really don't know.
R2-D2: ...then you come in and spoil the mood before she even shows up!
C-3PO: Oh switch off!


Int: Echo Base hangar entrance. R2 is scanning for Luke.

R2-D2: How hard is it to find a desert farmboy in the snow?
C-3PO: You must come along now Artoo, there's really nothing more we can do, and my joints are freezing up.
R2-D2: Oh you're freezing? Make your mind up, I remember when you said you were frozen on Tatooine for crying out loud. And think about poor Luke - his balls must be completely shrivelled, he may never see them again.
C-3PO: Don't say things like that - of course we'll see Master Luke again...
R2-D2: We'd better. Dude owes me money!
C-3PO: ...and he'll be quite alright, you'll see. Stupid little short circuit.
R2-D2: Blow me.


Int: Echo Base hangar. R2 is being lifted and loaded into Luke's X-Wing.

C-3PO: Artoo, you take good care of Master Luke now, understand?
R2-D2: He aint going anywhere until he's paid me back my money.
C-3PO: And...do take good care of yourself.
R2-D2: I'm leeaaaaving, on a jet plane...don't know when I'll be back again...
C-3PO: Oh dear, or dear.


Ext: Echo Base external landing strip.

Luke: Artoo...
R2-D2: About time! That took longer than it did to take down the Death Star.
Luke: ...Get her ready for take off.
R2-D2: Okey dokey Doctor Jones, hold on to your potatoes.
Wedge: Good luck, Luke. See you at the rendezvous.
R2-D2: Lets go man, I got places to go, chicks to see...
Luke: Don't worry Artoo, we're going, we're going.
R2-D2: There'd better be some poontang at this rendezvous, that's all I'm saying.


Ext: Dagobah. Luke's X-Wing has just crash-landed in a swamp.

R2-D2: That'll learn yer.
Luke: No Artoo, you stay put, I'll take a look around.
R2-D2: Wait 'till I get my hands on Industrial Automaton - I could really do with my gorram booster jets now. (R2 falls into the swamp)
Luke: Artoo? Artoo!! Where are you? Artoo!
R2-D2: Hey come on in man, the water's lovely.
Luke: You be more careful.
R2-D2: Whassamatter? Ya never been to the beach? Oh wait - Tatooine - uh, right. Sorry.
Luke: Artoo?
R2-D2: I'll have a pina collada.
Luke: That way.
R2-D2: Errm, 'scuse me? Can you see through this murk? I have to manoeuvre around this old rocket that someone dumped here. Looks only big enough for a jawa or something.

(Luke jumps in and wades to the shore, R2 is chirping away to himself)

R2-D2: Oh show me, the way, to the next whiskey bar...

(Suddenly R2 is pulled further under the murky depths by an unknown beast)

Luke: Artoo!!

(After pulling his blaster and scanning the swampy water, R2 is spat out at high velocity)

R2-D2: Motherffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff....oooffffffff!!!!!
R2-D2: Oh man...that was wild.
Luke: Oh no. Are you alright? Come on....you were lucky to get out of there.
R2-D2: Are you kidding? That was better than the last bungee jump I did.
Luke: Anything broken?
R2-D2: What? Get outta here, take more than that kitten to hurt me (wince).
Luke: If you're saying coming here was a bad idea, I'm beginning to agree with you.
R2-D2: Well, I wasn't, but I have to agree - you could have picked a better location to go AWOL.
Luke: Artoo, what are we doing here? It's like something out of a dream. I don't know, maybe I'm just going crazy.
R2-D2: Well, that figures...maybe it's time to tell you...oh wait, I think I'm gonna be sick...


Ext: Dagobah. Luke is setting up camp.

R2-D2: Okay, when you're ready, I think I need to tell you something.
Luke: What? Ready for some power?
R2-D2: I mean it buddy, don't be kissing on the princess again...
Luke: K, let's see now...that one there...
R2-D2: ...that's just nasty.
Luke: ...there you go.
R2-D2: I know she's hot and all, and I wouldn't mind it myself, it's just that she's...
Luke: Now all I gotta do is find this Yoda, if he even exists.
R2-D2: ...well you know...I don't know how to say this...wait - did you just say Yoda?
Luke: S'really a strange place to find a jedi master.
R2-D2: Yeah well, the last place was kinda spring-cleaned, by your umm...
Luke: This place gives me the creeps.
R2-D2: Probably not half as much as the Jedi Temple would these days...
Luke: Still, there's something familiar about this place...
R2-D2: ...okay here goes...I think you should know about your father...
Luke: ...I don't know. I feel like...
Yoda: Feel like what?
R2-D2: ...it can wait. Hi Yoda. Long time no see.
Luke: Like we're being watched.


Int: Cloud City. Luke, with Artoo following, is searching for his friends. As they approach a junction, Luke ducks back as he sees some guards and a mysterious figure in a helmet and armour.

R2-D2: Hey Luke, now that it's quiet, as I was saying earlier, there's something you should know.

(Boba Fett pops out and fires upon Luke)

R2-D2: Luke, baby, this won't wait any longer. It's about this Vader character you're meeting...

(A firefight ensues between Luke and some stormtroopers. Leia tries to warn him that it's a trap. As Luke follows, R2 tries to catch up.)

R2-D2: Wait Luke, ya need to know...about the hottie princess....and Vader too....he's really your d.....
(the door slams shut, cutting them off from each other)


Int: Cloud City. R2 stumbles across the fleeing Lando, Leia, Chewie and C-3PO:

R2-D2: Goldie! Whatcha doing in that net?
C-3PO: Artoo, Artoo, where have you been? Wait, turn round you woolly!
R2-D2: Wait - who's the guy in the blue shirt? Is the princess dating him now? Have I missed out again?
C-3PO: Hurry, we're trying to save Han from the bounty hunter.
R2-D2: Oh ok, I'll tag along and save ya'll again. Man, no peace for the wicked.
C-3PO: Well, at least you're still in one piece. Look what happened to me!
R2-D2: It ain't as bad as that time on Geonosis - oh wait, you won't remember.


Int: Cloud City.

Lando: Security code has been changed.
C-3PO: Artoo, you can tell the computer to override the security systems.
R2-D2: Wouldn't be the first time - lets hope it's female...
C-3PO: Artoo, hurry.
Lando: Attention, this is Lando Calrissian, attention. The Empire has taken control of the city. I advise everyone to leave before more Imperial troops arrive.
R2-D2: Listen baby, I know we've just met, but... ARRRGHHHHHH.........MOOOOOOOOOOON RIIIIIIIIIIVERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
Chewie: That has gotta hurt.
Lando: This way.
R2-D2: Beeyatch!
C-3PO: Well don't blame me, I'm an interpreter. I'm not supposed to know a power socket from a computer terminal.

(at the next terminal)

R2-D2: Hoookay...power socket...over there...good...this is the one...hey sweetie, how's it hanging? Listen, I'm in a rush right now, if you could just open the door to the YT1300 outside...what? Really? Hey Goldeneye, this dame says the hyperdrive...
C-3PO: We're not interested in the hyperdrive on the Millennium Falcon, it's fixed.
R2-D2: But she said...
C-3PO: Just open the door you stupid lump.
R2-D2: ...ok, I warned you, it'll be your funeral. OK, baby, don't mind my partner, he's just jealous 'cos he don't have no romance circuits. What? Course I do, and if you open this itty bitty door for us, I'll come right back and show you. Yes, of course I promise, I'm a droid of integrity. I'll show you how to have real fun in the clouds - have you ever been in the Mile High Club?
C-3PO: I never doubted you for a second. Wonderful.
R2-D2: Right, back to the dame...oh hell, stormies...Sorry babe, gotta run!


Int: Millennium Falcon.

R2-D2: Man, she sounded pretty...
Chewie: Just for once, I'd like a nice Naboo Royal Yacht.
C-3PO: Noisy brute. Why don't we just go into lightspeed?
R2-D2: I told ya earlier, the hyperdrive's on the blink, so we can't.
C-3PO: We can't? How would you know the hyperdrive is deactivated?
R2-D2: What? Have you had another memory wipe in the last 10 minutes? The city computer chick told me - she'd have told me anything, she was all over me.
C-3PO: R2-D2, you know better than to trust a strange computer. Ouch, pay attention to what you're doing.
R2-D2: Bite me.


(minutes later)

R2-D2: How can I concentrate with this racket going on? I thought the wook was a mechanic, ah well, looks like it's up to me then...
C-3PO: Artoo, come back at once, you haven't finished with me yet. You don't know how to fix the hyperdrive, Chewbacca can do it. I'm standing here in pieces and you're having delusions of grandeur.
R2-D2: You forget, Mr Memory-wipe, that I picked up a few tricks from The Chosen One. So if you're done whining...hasta la vista, baby.
C-3PO: You did it!!



Here endeth the lesson.