Recently, upon seeing a brief TV promo, I was very much looking forward to the upcoming film Sweeney Todd. It seemed to be the perfect formula: The wickedly nuanced Johnny Depp portraying the bloody bladework of the infamous historical serial killer in an aptly gothic slylization from director Tim Burton! "How could a movie like this possibly go wrong?", I thought.

Unfortunately, as I would find, the devil was in the details.

Just last night, I was watching a preview for the film in question, when, suddenly, to my shock and dismay, I was met with the sound of Depp breaking into the melodic phrase, "I will have vennnnngeance!"

It's a musical? Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Though my hopes were dashed for a film I was anticipating perhaps more than any other this Winter, it made me realize just how fortunate I was to learn the hard truth before it was too late. What if I had actually begun to watch the film, completely oblivious to its true nature, only to be scarred for life at the first ambush of song and dance? Lord have mercy...

I was then reminded of the other men just like myself, manly men to whom musicals and "chick flicks" are like the Ebola virus. Men who will be deceived, just as I was, by the insidious TV promos that are conspicuously absent of even an allusion to the film's true darkness. Not all of these men will have the luxury of knowing beforehand that the movie is in fact based on a Broadway musical. What of these men? How many of them will be led into theaters like lambs to the slaughter? How many will be unwttingly subjected to a trauma from which they may never recover? Poor guys. Why, they might as well have the ghost of Sweeney put them out of their misery by slitting their throats right there!

And then it hit me.

Since the advent of the modern MPAA ratings system, so much emphasis has been placed on protecting children from what they see and hear in movies. But what about us men? Aren't we just as important? Shouldn't our sensibilities be taken into account as well?

I think so. And thus I propose the following rating system to accompany the standard MPAA rating on all theatrically released motion pictures. It goes as follows:

MS-100 (100% male-safe)
Totally male approved; testosterone required.
Films like Predator, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Fight Club. Films so action packed and saccharine lacked, they induce you to spontaneously grunt like a WWE wrestler. Films so manly, the female audience may begin to grow chest and facial hair after viewing.

MSC (Male-safe with caution)
General male audience approved, though some material may not be suitable for more masculine viewers.
Films with a fair amount of action and/or machismo, that may also contain a significant amount of sentimentality, femininity, or cuteness. Legends of the Fall and The Phantom Menace fall under this category.

MSNA (Male-safe but not male approved)
Testosterone not required; may bore many male viewers.
Neutral films, mainly domestic dramas and light comedies that aren't particularly male-threatening, but have nothing in the way of testosterone, either, e.g, Quiz Show and Driving Miss Daisy.

TTT (Threat to testosterone)
No males allowed unless accompanied by a child.
Animated movies and "family films" a la E.T. and A Toy Story. Films that won't force you to forfeit your "man card", but are disturbingly kiddy and cloying, and may require a marathon viewing of the Rambo trilogy to prevent any long-term damage to your masculinity.

MS-X (Not suitable for any male)
No male not considering sex change may view; will cause terminal increase in estrogen.
Chick flicks, musicals, girly teen movies, and romantic mush. Films that make even metrosexuals blush. Films the affects of which not even watching Jesse Ventura arm wrestle Fred Blassie during a belching contest can overcome. Films so searingly sweet, they're like acid to the tongue to even utter their titles (you know the usual suspects; I dare not so much as type them). The bottom lin is, if you see any of these films, you might as well just go ahead and castrate yourself right there.

Now, please excuse. I need to lift weights and finish watching Fried Green To... er, I mean, Kentucky Fried Movie.