September 22 is the 17th anniversary of my Mom's passing. Cancer claimed her on a Friday morning @ 10 am while she was lying in a bed in Christ Hospital in Oak Lawn, Illinois. I was by her side. The night before my Dad and my uncle (Mom's brother) sent me home to rest. It had been a stressful few weeks ... the culmination of eight long years of battling this disease. I did not want to leave. We knew her time was near. The doctors could do nothing for the inoperable brain tumors she had (five total, three malignant). My Mom had received the last rites of the Church and all we could do was wait. I went home that night and, in my prayers, told God I was ready to let her go. I didn't want her to suffer anymore and I knew it was beginning to be selfish to want her to stay. She had raised me, gave me the gift of faith, sacrificed a great deal on my behalf and loved me unconditionally. The least I could do was wish her peace.

I arrived at the hospital the next day shortly before ten. She was sleeping (a morphine drip saw to that) and I went downstairs to get something to eat. I brought the food back up to the room and it was then I noticed her flowers needed watering. The only sound was her breathing, my Dad and uncle were to weary to speak. Then the room became totally silent, her breathing had stopped. I heard my uncle go over to her, check on her and say "she's gone." My memory is spotty after that. I know I was holding her and crying. I remember a nun came in to comfort me. I remember a nurse pulling me away saying they had to take her. These are all in fragments, just flashes in my memory. I sat in a quiet room for some time, I tried to call my best friend, but she was in class so I spoke to her Grandma instead. Some time later, I was being sent home by someone who told me to present a card for parking validation. Apparently a death gets you free parking, who knew? I have no memory of driving home.

The rest of the day was taken up with going to the funeral home, contacting relatives and friends, picking out what she should wear to her funeral. Granted, my Mom had time to make plans regarding her death and funeral, but still, stuff had to be done. Casket, flowers, funeral prayer cards, obituary. I'm sure most of you know the routine. I know I'm not the only to have lost a loved one. It's about the only thing we are guaranteed.

I was 20, almost 21, when my Mom died. Now I'm 37, almost 38 and I'm still adjusting to life without her. I have found that we don't get over the loss, we just get used to it. I'm not worried about my Mom. She was a deeply devout woman and I'm sure God has taken good care of her. He has taken care of me, too.

My Mom was not my best friend, she was my Mom. I didn't want her to be my best friend, and that certainly is not what I needed from her. She was strict, but tender. I never doubted her love for me. She was a tiny, mighty Irish Catholic dynamo. She had had hard times in her life, including the loss of two sons before I was born. She didn't speak frequently about them, but I take comfort in knowing I've got two big brothers in heaven looking out for me. My Mom was the type of person everyone loved, even those that didn't like her too much. I still have people comment on how often they think of her, and that makes me one very proud daughter.

My Mom didn't take me to see my first Star Wars movie (that honor goes to Dad) but she saw to it I got all the cool stuff every kid needed ... action figures, trading cards, books, record albums, tee shirts, posters ... you name it! She did take me to see TESB and the merchandising monster made it's way into our house big time! I remember reading all kinds of "making of" articles to her, interviews with the cast (especially Mark Hamill!) ... sometimes I think she must have stuffed cotton balls into her ears, I went on so much (especially about Mark Hamill!). By the time ROTJ came out, I was in high school. Mom and Dad took me to see it. I recall Mom thought the Ewoks were cute and she always loved Threepio & Artoo (... oh, and Han, too!). She didn't have to buy me too much at that point, though. I had entered my "I'm too cool for kid's stuff" phase. I think that is what led her to dispose of much of my SW collection when I went to college. I don't hold that against her, though. Recently, my Dad came across a small box of SW toys in our attic. He doesn't think he put them up there. I like to think my Mom decided to keep some little tokens for me ... just in case. She knew me very well.

If you have stayed with me this long, thank you. I went on longer than I had planned, but such was (is) my love for my Mom. Sounds cliche, but if I could be a fraction of the woman she was, I'll be doing pretty good.

Thank you, Mom, for your love. I know I wasn't always the daughter you wanted me to be, but I hope above all else that I make you proud. I miss you more than you could ever know.... and I know you would have loved the Prequels!


An Irish Blessing

May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
And the rains fall soft upon your fields,
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.


I love you, Mom.