Greetings fellow bounty hunters and squishy human types,

Well, it's happened again.

This weekend I was given a sneak preview of the so-called Special Original Classic Re-unedited Star Wars Classic Trilogy. You know, the one where Han shoots first.

I was promised, on several occasions, that this version would finally restore the complete story-- not the story of Luke Skywalker, and not the story of Han Solo... but, my disgusting oxygen-breathing friends, the story of ZUCKUSS.

That's right. You only THINK you've seen the real Star Wars. But let me tell you, George Lucas edited out the absolute best part-- and that would be MY STORY.

Sure, I appear on the bridge of the Star Destroyer, waiting to take my shot at the bounty for Hans Solo (or at least I think that's his name, I must admit I wasn't paying full attention when Darth Vader made the announcement) but there's much more. SO much more.

But do the re-edited classic special original editions show that? OH NO. We just get more Boba Fett and Darth Vader and yawn... where's the Zuckuss I ask?

Where's the scene where I make a sandwich aboard the Mist Hunter? Where's the scene where I totally kick 4-LAME's robot butt at Galactic Trivial Pursuit? Where's the (admittedly longish) scene where I play Halo 2 for a couple of hours and munch pretzels? And finally, I ask you, where is the scene where I call my mom and talk her through some basic plumbing repair on her running toilet?

ON THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR! That's where.

Now, as an intergalactic bounty hunter, I can handle this kind of rejection. But I feel bad for 4-LOM. He was really excited about it. And now he just walks around completely depressed. Sure, he'll still disintegrate a bounty for no reason, but it's not with the same old joie de vivre. He's just not the same droid. (He's been listening to Morrissey a lot too.)

Anyway, if you want the real story of Empire Strikes Back (which, btw, was supposed to be called "Spirit Warrior: The Story of Zuckuss") then write LFL and tell them to get on it. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

Thank you all. Zuckuss out.