Warning! Major Spoilers abound! If you don't want to know what happens, look away before it's too late!









I have never had the opportunity to see an Indiana Jones movie on the big screen before.

I blame it on timing, content, and finances. The first Jones movie, Raiders of the Lost Ark, was released in 1982. Back then I was almost (but not quite) three years old, and far too young to be taken into a movie theater (a fact many parents seem to neglect. For crying out loud-no pun intended- get a babysitter!). I was slightly older when Temple of Doom came to town, but still not mature enough to handle hearts getting ripped out and chilled monkey brains served for dessert.

When Last Crusade was released, I was nine years old and ready to meet Indy in a setting that didn't include my living room couch and a twelve inch television screen. Unfortunately, at that time, we lived at way below the poverty levels, and luxuries like going to the movies were not the sort of things we could afford to do.

I say none of this for sympathy, but to make a point. I have been in love with the Indiana Jones films since I was old enough to dream of traveling to foreign places, of getting in sword fights with evildoers, and finding treasures that time forgot. They have touched my life and my imagination, but it has always been a scaled down, twelve-inch television screen of my imagination. And today, I finally got to see my dreams played out on a two story, high definition digital screen.

And my dreams were shattered.

Maybe it's me. Perhaps I'm not the same person I was as a kid. If I were nine years old again, I would probably love Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. The movie has action. It has suspense. And it's got lots of treasure. It has all of the elements that I love about the franchise.

The problem is, the film lacks a soul. Looking back, what really worked for the original trilogy (even Temple of Doom, though I really don't like that one as much) was the amount of love that the cast and crew poured into it. And that love makes a big difference in the final product. In KOTCS, you are left with the sensation that everybody was just going through the motions, like this was just another film project. And that's the problem: It's not just another film to be shot, cut and distributed- it's Indy freakin' Jones!

In KOTCS, an older Jones has been kidnapped by Russians and forced to help them find the body of an alien stored in area 51. I do not have a problem with the premise; I am not one of these fan boys that will complain that the film is about extraterrestrials. In fact, the whole alien concept was one of the few things I enjoyed about the film. The title skull looks amazing, and the crystal aliens in the end of the film are breathtaking to look at. And if Indy can deal with ghosts, magical stones, and cups that give eternal life, can aliens really be too farfetched?

What doesn't work is the way the concept was carried out. There are way too many things in this movie that just seem to be thrown in just because they sounded cool at the time, but they serve no purpose to the story. Why is agent Spalko a psychic, and why does she not exhibit any psychic abilities? She didn't read anybody's mind, nor was she able to see the future. What exactly could she do?

Another concept involves Mutt Williams and an army of monkeys. In the middle action piece involving a moving fight in the middle of the jungle, Mutt gets caught up in some vines and is left hanging. As he is hanging, a bunch of monkeys come to his aid and rescue him. He then instantly becomes Tarzan and begins swinging through the jungle at a faster rate than the vehicles. Not only that, but he leads the monkeys in a charge against Agent Spalko. Huh? I'm all for abandoning reason at the movies, but there has to be a shred of credibility, even in fantasy.

Another thing that bothers me regards the ending. The aliens are dead, and all that remains of them are their crystal bones. Yet, returning the one missing skull causes them to join into one, and grow skin and come to life. How is this plausible in any way? And if these aliens came down to show humans how to make themselves better, then why would they destroy the one that helped them get their skull back? There are various other things that I didn't get, but I'm going to leave them unsaid.

To be fair, there were many things that I enjoyed about the movie as well. The action scenes are Jones-worthy, and there are a ton of references and nods to the other film that will make any fan squee for joy. My particular favorite involves Indy being stuck in quicksand (but it's not quicksand, for some reason) and he is forced to come face to face with the thing he dreads most. That, and things like the "I have a bad feeling about this" moment make the film bearable to watch.

Even still, it is with a heavy heart that I have to say that I was terribly disappointed with Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. The man in the hat may be back, but it's not a satisfactory visit.