Only two things are certain in this life: Star Wars and taxes.

It's April 17, folks, and the jig is up. This tax season was exciting. You see, I just finished filling my income taxes for 2005, and for the first time I filled out a 1040 Schedule C addendum, a.k.a. "Net Profit From Business" form. Because I didn't haul in more than five thousand bones with my freelance writing gigs, I got to fill out the relatively simple C-EZ version. Here are some of my business expense write-offs (don't hate me):

- One round trip flight to Indianapolis.
- One entrance fee to Celebration III.
- One copy of Republic Commando: Hard Contact.
- One copy of Jedi Quest #7: Moment of Truth.
- One copy of Star Wars Insider #80.
- One membership to the Scholastic Star Wars Adventures Club.
- One copy of the Star Wars Trilogy (widescreen w/bonus disc).
- One copy of Clone Wars Vol. 1 DVD.
- One copy of Clone Wars Vol. 2 DVD.
- One copy of Revenge of the Sith DVD (w/Walmart exclusive disc).
- One Star Wars Day admission to San Diego Comic Con International.
- One gasoline bill from Orange County to San Diego.
- One San Diego convention center parking fee.
- One domain name.
- One copy of Labyrinth of Evil.
- One copy of The Star Wars New Essential Chronology.
- One copy of the Ultimate Visual Guide to Star Wars.
- One copy of Obi-Wan's Foe.
- One copy of Clone Wars Vol. 7: When They Were Brothers.
- One copy of Dark Lord: The Rise of Darth Vader.
- One admission to Dressing a Galaxy: The Costumes of Star Wars exhibit.
- One copy of the Official Knights of the Old Republic Strategy Guide.
- A complete set of Star Wars Fact Files.

...and the list goes on. My total deductions came to the grand total of $1972.81. (Trust me, I was gunning for $1977). Keep in mind that I had other freelance writing expenses, like Internet usage, paper, ink cartridges, and other miscellanea.

I can already imagine what a tax audit would be like.

IRS Guy #1: "Mr. Peņa..."
Me: "You can call me Abel."
IRS#1: "Mr. Peņa, can you explain this 'Holiday Darth Vader' deduction you claimed?"
Me: "Absolutely. You see Holiday Darth Vader was a collector's edition action figure exclusive to StarWars.com, the cardback of which (that is to say, the back of the cardboard card upon which the action figure is affixed) contains new Expanded Universe lore (that is, fictional information pertinent to the story, or "mythos," of Star Wars beyond the six theatrical movies) that is arguably parodical but ambiguous enough to warrant an in-universe reference in one of my fictional 'non-fiction' works--a class of Easter Egg for which I am well known."
IRS#1: "What do you mean fictional non-fiction?"
IRS Guy #2: "Easter Egg?"
Me: "Yeah brother, not a real Easter Egg. That's a whole 'nother mythology. (Smiles, pauses for laughter).
IRS#1&2: (No laugh).
Me: (No smile). "A fictional Easter Egg is a surprise, like a treat hiding in the writing. If you look hard, you can find it, and it makes people happy."
IRS#1: "What's fictional non-fiction."
Me: "That's the kind of Star Wars writing I do, mostly."
IRS#2: "What does it mean."
Me: "Fictional 'non-fiction' is a classification of fiction created to differentiate--"
IRS Guy #3: (Interrupting). "Now, I understand all that, Mr. Peņa. However, what I would like to know is did you actually make an in-universe retcon for the flagrant misrepresentation of Darth Vader, a.k.a. the Chosen One Anakin Skywalker, as a happy-go-lucky, "snowtrooper"-building Dark Lord of the Sith specifically as a product of Rebellion-era Imperial propaganda spin doctors (which is really the only plausible explanation for this continuity-marring, if kitsch, marketing ploy) in one of your Star Wars projects for which you received some form of recompense in the year two thousand and five?"
Me: "Who in the fire fracking rings of Fornax...?" (Peers over shoulder). Oh poodoo... Dan? Dan Wallace?
Dan: "That's Shmi."
Me: "What are you doing with these di'kute?"
Dan: "I had no choice. The feds got to me just before they did to you. I'm sorry."
IRS#1&2: (Sounds of handcuffs jangling).
Me: "Yeah. Well I'm sorry too..."

Happy tax season, folks! ~ Abel G. Peņa

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