"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate...leads to suffering."
Yoda, The Phantom Menace

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Obi-Wan Kenobi.

In the Star Wars universe, at least in the movies, we have two versions of Kenobi to reflect upon:

1. OT: Kenobi is a kindly, elderly gentleman. He is wise, patient, and determined. He sacrifices his life in pursuit of his cause. He is a hero.
2. PT: Kenobi is a young and thoughtful warrior. He is athletic, loyal, and prepared to fight for what's right even if it means his life. He is a hero.

But what of the Kenobi in between these two versions, what was he like? We can easily insinuate he too was a hero. However, what transpired in the desert wastes that enabled this man to maintain his convictions despite losing his youth, his friends, his livelihood, and possibly his dreams?

I think it's this Kenobi that has the most to teach us, well, the most to teach me. Forgetting what the Star Wars comics might have to say as well as those few novels that have been created, Kenobi must surely have been tested in a way that neither the Jedi, nor his own experience, could have prepared him.

Let's look at his character at the mid-point of his own personal saga. The society he belonged to has changed and has declared him an outlaw where once he was a minister of justice. His former friend has deemed him a betrayer, worthy only of death. And now, at the height of his skills and prowess, all Kenobi has left is an interminable mission to watch over a child he cannot personally interfere with nor guide. Where once Kenobi was a general, a warrior, and a master of the Force, he is now a distrusted hermit, suitable only for babysitting from afar.

Just like Luke in The Empire Strikes Back, Kenobi must have gone through a series of trials and truths that sorely tested his convictions. It's just too easy to think that over the course of 20-years, he was able to keep the same level of enthusiasm and belief in his mission. Could you in the same situation? Do you think you have the discipline and faith to keep you going for years and years as the society you once protected crumbles around you and the friend you once trained destroys all you held dear - your allies, your friends, your family...gone!

How do you go on day after day, week after week, year after year, never knowing what it will all come to or where it might end or if it's worth anything?

In many ways, as surely you must have surmised by now, this is how I've been feeling over the course of the summer. And I think that's why I stopped writing: I was lost.

When I write, I've found I get the most satisfaction and feel the most successful when I am as open and honest and truthful about myself as I'm willing to be. It just feels...well, right. If I was to write over the course of this summer and still maintain that credo, I would have to admit to you and to myself, that I've been angry, afraid, and generally unhappy at times. I was not ready or willing to do that. I'm going to be 38 years old in less than a month, and I feel like I stand upon another edge to another abyss whose bottom I cannot see nor comprehend...again.

The fact is I've had to contend with a variety of issues over the past few months that make me irritated, upset, and angry. Presently, I am in a silent and possibly longstanding argument with one of my siblings who I once considered a true friend but who has left me and my parents thoroughly confounded. We simply don't know what to do though the fact is we can do nothing to help him. It is a devastating thing to watch him continue to make decisions that cause him wounds he simply refuses to acknowledge or deal with. The situation is made worse as every offer to help is refused, more out of pride, than anything else. It is a tragedy and it hurts my parents something awful.

Another issue nearly as insidious occurs is my work-a-day life. I am employed by a large financial institution. It is not something I ever saw myself doing. It just kind of happened after my Army enlistment. Nor is it anything I've grown to love in the 8-years I've been doing it although I have learned to tolerate it. I've been reasonably successful despite my sparse financial background - that is to say 'no financial background' - and I've learned much. However, to me, it's just a job - nothing more. I'd leave it tomorrow, if I had the guts. So, when I learned that my job was in jeopardy due to some organizational changes, my attitude took a downward turn. I've been in this situation before and seen my job disappear. It wasn't fun then, and I dread it now. Its one thing to look for a job, but it's another thing to look for a job that you know will never make you happy. What's worse is that in all these years, I've never felt I've learned enough to make a safe transition elsewhere - I've just been in the right place at the right time. Surely, my luck will run out sometime. The point is: I'm afraid. And that fear is affecting my overall attitude. Given the chaos of the current changes and my exposed concerns, it makes working that much more of a slog. It sucks.

The result of these and a few other complications has been the complete abandonment of my blog and to some extent, my fellow bloggers. It's nothing personal against you; it's just me not wanting to be personal with you. They are my issues and I will handle them. Or is it I don't want to hear something I might not like from people I barely know? I don't know. In any event, I've chosen to hide away for a time because I couldn't think of what to do next and nothing seemed worth doing: not walking at lunchtime, not playing video games at night, not watching movies, not drawing, not reading, and definitely not writing.

And it's not that it seemed pointless to do any of those things, just that they seemed so....lifeless. I could see the reason for doing things and maybe believe that it would make me feel better, but when it came to actually doing anything, it seemed so much easier to not do any of them and just stare out a window or something.

I really had no idea how long I was going to feel that way and I really didn't care. So what if it took me another 3-months to mail out Stooge's picture (sorry Stooge) or complete my last blog challenge (my apologies to everyone else), despite the fact that I started them months ago. I couldn't deal with that because I simply didn't want to. If it made me look lazy and apathetic, so be it. I just didn't care.

Still...it would be a lie to say I felt dead inside. I didn't. I just felt mad.

As I said, most activities seemed lifeless, but some didn't. Going to the gym was a release from many of the things stressing me. It didn't matter what time I went, be it early in the morning, or extremely late at night...I needed to exercise some demons, so to speak. It kept me going on several levels. Even if I only felt good for one hour a day, it seemed to help. I've lost some weight and my energy level seems to be rising. I suppose anger, in its proper place, can fuel positive action. It is an interesting lesson.

And, its not like I never wanted to write again, or peruse the Star Wars blogs, I just didn't want to comment for commenting's sake. The blogs are an escape, a place to have fun, and, hopefully, a place where I don't feel I have to pretend to be something I'm not - like I do everyday at work, sort of. Star Wars fans are occasionally mocked because we 'dress up' in our favorite saga. However, it's the façade I put on at work that is the most disturbing...and the most tiring. Here I can be a Kenobi fan and not feel silly about it, because it's as true as the day I first saw Star Wars and it will always be so. Behind my silly moniker there exists truth that only the internet appears to have the capacity to bring forth. I am happy I can be what I want to be, what I am, in this virtual place. And I am grateful I can share what I can through my blog entries.

So, what do I do now? What should I do now?

I don't really have any answers. I could pretend that I have found some magic element to set my priorities straight and set me on my path towards my ultimate destiny (ha!). I could say it but it wouldn't be true. My tiresome job is still in jeopardy, I'm still in conflict with one of my brothers, and I still can't seem to develop the discipline to change my life's course. I really don't know where to begin. What concerns me is maybe I really don't want to change anything.

And, thus, I am back to meditating on Obi-Wan Kenobi, confined to his hut and left wondering what to do next. I can see him being all gung-ho the first few months or years on Tatooine after delivering baby Luke, I can see him developing plans for what he would say to him, how Kenobi would bring back the Jedi, as well as how to topple Palpatine and foil the Dark Side. And, then, slowly, as time drifted on, how that enthusiasm would drift into self-doubt, and then maybe despair, as things progressed ever onward and in its own time, as he wasted away, trapped amidst the dunes of Tatooine.

But we know that's not how his story ends.

Kenobi doesn't fall into despair and he doesn't disappear among the wastes. Something must have reminded him time and again, year after year, not to despair, and to never give up hope. Obviously, the message rang true enough to keep him energized even as his body began to wither. And I believe it was much more than dogmatic discipline to a time long since past. He must have been reminded and he must have believed, that balance would eventually be restored, not only to the galaxy, but in his own life.

I can see no reason why Kenobi would have believed anything unless such a reminder came from someone he trusted, someone he knew, and someone he cared for. Kenobi kept going because he had a friend that would always be with him, despite the seemingly insurmountable obstacle presented by space and time. As far as I'm concerned, he could only have gone to one person for such help: Qui-Gon Jinn. Even if Kenobi despaired at times, Qui-Gon would always be with him. I'm sure it wasn't easy to reach out to Qui-Gon at first, but over time, it must have been a real life-saver.

And so, I think that's why I have returned to the blogs again, as I have done since I began blogging over 2-years ago. Why? Because there are people still here, even as the years go by, that remind me of my favorite stories and my favorite lessons and why they are important to me. I have only to remember and reach out. Even though the space between us expands and contracts without end, the link we share through Star Wars remains strong. Even if we turn away from it from time to time, it is something I think will always be there.

Thank you.