I have felt a little guilty these last couple of months about not being around as much as I used to be, and while it's true that my work schedule has been off the charts it's really something else that has been using up my energy....

I'm having a baby.

Right now I'm about 16 weeks along, and according to one of the books MO2YP has so graciously leant me my padawan-to-be's fingernails are well formed and the arms and legs are moving, though I have not felt any kicks yet. Most of all I have a new found respect for the whole process of pregnancy. I had naively believed that the first trimester must be the easiest since you look basically the same. Well, after three months of practically 24/7 nausea, and exhaustion so deep that I could barely limp through the day I finally have some understanding of the kind of work it takes to be a mom before you even become one. Luckily the nausea is gone but the exhaustion remains, which is why you're still more likely to find me taking a nap in my spare time than typing away at a keyboard.

Of course, every life event is a great reason to reflect on SW for me, and this has been no exception. Early on there were some signs that things might not be going so well. I'll spare you the details, but my being new at this and an all star worrier didn't make things any easier. Once I even woke up at three am just lying there wondering what I would do if I miscarried. Would I be able to continue on with life as I knew it? Would I be okay? Every time my tired heart tried to comfort my mind with the phrase "I'm sure the baby will be just fine," my mind would frantically reply "There are no guarantees. You can't pin your hopes on that." Well, when the sun finally began to slide through the cracks in the drapes and my husband stirred, along with comforting me he said. "What is there in SW that can help you with this?" *Good man* I immediately realized Anakin's story once again held the answer. Anakin pinned his okay-ness on another person, on Padme. He honestly believed that he couldn't live without her - that his sadness over the loss of her would be the end of him. He learned the hard way that it wasn't. I realized that I had to try to learn to do what Anakin couldn't. First of all, to learn that being sad wasn't the opposite of being okay. If I had lost this child - one that had only been with me a few short weeks I would be terribly sad, and that would be okay because sadness would be completely appropriate. I realized it wouldn't do me any good trying to live my life in order to outsmart sadness. Pain is just a part of it all, and the more I push it away or deny it the stronger it always gets. Secondly, I would have to learn to "let go of all I feared to lose." One of MO2YP's other helpful books said (sounding much like Yoda, but without the inverted speech) "Pregnancy is one long lesson in surrender," and it certainly has been that for me. There are some things I can do to give my child the best shot. I can eat well, and get good medical care, but for the most part this whole process is out of my hands. I can't make the world bow to my wishes. What will be will be, and I have to learn to allow it or it will mean many sleepless nights. All that said, I am happy to report that right now everything is progressing just fine.

My husband, as you can see with the above, has been integral to this whole process. Aside from the obvious contribution (again I'll spare you the details ) his emotional support has been amazing from the first e.p.t. test on. It has made me realize how incredibly alone both Shmi and Padme were. I've always wondered what Shmi's pathway to slavery was, and if her most unusual pregnancy had anything to do with it. However, even putting those wonderings aside it's clear that Shmi never had anyone but herself to count on. It must have taken tremendous strength to cope with that. Padme's situation would have been horrendous too if for different reasons. I can't imagine what it would be like to have such news, and not be able to share it with your husband, or anyone for that matter. Not only that, to wonder all those long months if Anakin would even survive long enough to hear that he was going to be a father must have been agonizing. This awareness helps me appreciate the strength of these women even more, and while I'm sure I could find such strength if I needed it I'm grateful that I haven't had to.

In the meantime, as my life changes I can't say I know what my involvement here on the site will look like, but please know that I hold you all in my heart, and have been grateful for the existence of this community even if my day to day participation has changed. It's not for lack of love for you all, but for the fact that life takes turns that are both common and exciting all the time.

MTFBWY