Becky was right. Weddings and Funerals. They both take the same amount of planning, except for a wedding you have a year, and for a funeral you have two days.

And having done way too many premature funerals in the past few months, I've begun to see how much the little stuff can pile up and make chaos for the people already distraught by death. They have to pick music and caskets and burial sites and organ donor stuff and pall bearers and flowers and readings... it goes on and on. All the while they're wondering what the dead guy would have wanted...

I'm just making this a little easier, you know, just in case...



Start at the beginning: Viewing.
I don't want one. Have a "visitation," preferably not in the house, that's a little creepy, but not at some funeral home somewhere either. You pick, maybe the auditorium. Make it closed casket. And, BTW, I don't really want one of those either.

No casket. Get Mr. Lilly and Foltz and Granddad and people to build me a decent-sized box out of nothing more complex than plywood, then when people start showing up, give them sharpies and spray paint and let them go at it. Leave messages, song lyrics, poems, pictures, whatever. I want (oh, yes) grief-itti.

Don't dress me up all fancy. I'd rather be in jeans and a hoodie than in a suit. And if you put me in a skirt, I will haunt you for all eternity.

Play my movies, my photos, my art, in a side room. Make a slideshow if you want, but beware, it's difficult to find pictures of me 'cause I'm always the one with the camera.

No greeting line. Just a party. Celebrate a life, don't mourn a death.

Music: Rockin' Broadway stuff, some U2, Ani Difranco, and, ugh... Let Bella and Kellie pick it all out. Go through my iTunes.

Have booze if you want. I'm not gonna be having any, so that's really up to you.

And somehow get the word out to all my NCSA peeps that I'm dead. Maybe get a myspace and send them messages or write them letters or something. Whatever. Just let Tony and Yosim and Debora and Emma and Connor and Lance and the gang know...


And for the Funeral:
I want a Catholic Mass. Extra credit if you can get Father Paul or Father Ralph back, if not, I want FrEd, I guess.

I don't want a lot of candles in the Church, in fact, really just the one by the Tabernacle. And make sure it's lit (duh). And the Paschal candle.

Oh, and gobs of incense. Smoke it up.

I want a diminimus amount of flowers, if there needs to be stuff, white is good. So is green. And brown, just to see if they'll do it ('cause they wouldn't for prom)... And don't let my family take any flowers home. Leave them all somewhere. Don't make them watch the flowers die too. In lieu of flowers, donations to the JMB Art department sound good.

I don't want to be buried.

I don't want to be cremated.

I want you to take me out in the backyard and light me up Vader-style.

I'm serious.

And if there's anything left after that, scrape up those ashes and put them somewhere with a couple of my or my mom's beads (a cross, some of those rainbow ones, etc.) and put it in a place you can get to. I'm not a graveyard person. Someplace I liked being, someplace you all can find peace. Just don't lose me.

And do something crazy in the memorial garden at Bennett. Maybe a big rock...

Organ Donor me all you want, but I get to keep my hands and my eyes. The rest is yours.

Music: Gather Us In, You are Mine, The Summons, Anthem, just fun noon Mass songs, and the reprise of I'll Cover You from RENT. I don't care who sings the regular stuff, (Mrs. Yankalunas? Emily Morris? MacCubbin's YM band?), but I want Eldridge and Alyssa on the last one, with maybe Emily and Derick and doing back-up? I don't know. Really whoever wants to sing it.

As for pallbearers, I don't know if they'll let kids do it. If they do, here's the list:
Jonathan, Annalisa, Frodo, Emily Skeen, Andrew Davis, Hannah Banana, Bekah, Eldridge, Dan Harris... Whoever...
If it's gotta be adults:
Mr. MacCubbin, Foltz, Paul, Jessica (Shanna Banana), Miss Stephenson, Mr. Wersen, Uncle Dick, Taylor Spies... Yeah...

Readings: I like Tobit, Ruth and Naomi, David and Jonathan, and really Matthew 16, when Jesus calls Peter to be Pope or whatever. Ma16:19 "Whatever you hold true on Earth shall be held true in Heaven, and whatever you loose on Earth shall be loosed up in Heaven." I like that one.
And I really despise the Ecclesiasties one that's all "To everything there is a season," turn turn turn, you know? Don't do that one.

Give Paul my black belt (and my white belt).

Go through all the documents on my computer, my blog, my myspace. Read it all. You might find something you didn't expect. I've done a lot of writing on every subject imaginable, there might be something you'll want to read at the service.

And, umm, I want my lightsaber in my hand. Yeah, the little broken-up, scratched toy green one I got at K-Mart for like $4.99... I want it.


There's probably something I've forgotten. You guys decide. 'Cause, heck, I won't be there to tell you if I don't like it...

Thank you. May the Force be with you All. Amen.