Anyone who's known me online every since I started frequenting various SW sites and message boards have probably already seen these, but since this is fan.starwars.com redux, I figured I'd dig these old fossils up and rehash them here like any proud father would do. You should know where these bits were contorted from, if not, a plague on your house for 40 generations...but I'll put a movie reference in there just in case you need to make a rental list. So here are 3 of my favorite bits of comedy gold, at least in my opinion. I have more, but many of those involve less family friendly movies (ie Donnie Brasco) or probably too 'in jokey' to be appreciated. Anyway...Enjoy!

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(Swingers...spewed forth from my brain circa May 2002..was actually going to be an Indy Knight fan film, but the director went to film school... )

Scene: Bespin Bar...Luke tries to rebound back into the dating pool after discovering the unfortunate news that he was dating his sister for so many years.

HAN: We got the digits, baby.

LUKE: What a surprise.

HAN: What's wrong? I saw you talking to that beautiful blue twi'lek.

LANDO: She was cute.

LUKE: She didn't like me... I made a fool of myself...

HAN: Baby, don't talk that way, baby...

LANDO: You are so Jedi, and you don't even know it...

HAN: That's what I keep trying to tell him. *to LUKE* You're so Jedi, you don't even know...

LUKE: Please, don't mess with me right now...

HAN: We're not messing with you...

LANDO: ... we're not...

HAN: You're like this big wampa with claws and fangs...

LANDO: ... and big frickin' teeth...

HAN: ... and teeth... And she's like this little ewok cowering in the corner...

LANDO: ...shivering...

HAN: ... And you're just looking at your claws like "How do I kill this ewok?"...

LANDO: ...You're just poking at it...

HAN: ... Yeah. You're just gently batting it around... and the ewok's all scared...

LANDO: ... and you got big claws and fangs...

HAN: ... and fangs... and you're like "I don't know what to do. How do I kill this ewok?"...

LANDO: ... you're like a big wampa.

LUKE (smiles): You're not just, like, messing with me?

HAN: No, baby!

LANDO: ... honestly...

HAN: ... you're Jedi...

LANDO: ... you're so freakin' Jed-diiii.

HAN: Now go over there and get those digits.

LANDO: You're Jedi.

HAN *pulling him aside, dead serious*: Now when you talk to her, I don't want you to be the little Anakin in the Episode 1 movie that everyone's pulling for. I want you to be the Anakin in the Episode 3 movie who you're not sure if you like.

*LUKE nods and leaves energized*

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(You've got your Star Wars in my Star Trek...no, you've go your Trek on my Star Wars....Circa June 2002...forgive my attempts at typing accents)

Chekov: Until this wessle is fully operational ve are vulnerable. The Klingons are too well equipped. They're more dangerous than you vrealize.

Scotty: Dangerous to starfleet, Mr. Checkov, not to the Enterprise!

Chekov: The Klingons vill continue to gain support in the United Federation of Planents as long as....

Captain Kirk: The...Federation....will...no longer be of... any concern....to us, Mr. Checkov. I've....just received word...that the Starfleet Command....has dissolved...the council permanently. The last remnants....of...the....Federation...have been swept away.

Chekov: That's impossible! How vill the Admiral maintain control vivout the bureaucracy?

Captain Kirk: The Enterprise class ships....now have direct control....over territories. Fear....will keep the local systems in line. Fear....of the Enterprise.

Chekov: And vhat of the Klingons? If the Klingons have obtained a complete technical readout of the Enterprise, it is possible, hev-ever unlikely, that vey might find a veakness and exploit it.

Spock: The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands.

Scotty: Any attack made by the Klingons against this ship would be as useless gestuair, much like a bald tribble in sleeping in my power converters, no mett-tar what technical data they've obtained. The Enterprise is now the ultimate power in the universe. I've given 'er all she's got...I suggest we ewse it!

Spock: Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the logic.

Scotty: Don't try to frighten us with your Vulcan ways, Meester Spock. Your sad devotion to yer logic hasn't helped ewe conj'er up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Klingon's cloaked warbirds...

*Spock administers the Vulcan neck grab...Scotty passes out on the floor instantaneously*

Spock: I find your lack of logic disturbing.

Captain Kirk: Enough of this...Mr. Spock, please...release him!

Spock (looking at the heap that is Scotty on the floor and shrugs): As you wish, Captain.

Captain Kirk: This bickering....is pointless. Mr. Spock will provide us with....the location of the Klingon fleet....by the time Photon torpedo tubes...are....operational. We will then....visit Timshel and find....some alien....love slaves...I say...Mr. Sulu....set course immediately.

Sulu: Ai-yie, Captain.

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(Brave Jar Jar...originally written before Attack of the Clones came out, so I had to make a few tweaks now that all the movies are out, but Jar Jar finally earns his much due respect.)

*Jar Jar Binks and his men ride their Eopies up to the Rebel Generals*

Captain Tarpalls: Dey Almighty says dis must be a maxi-fashionable fight. Itsa draw'n all de finest Naboo.

General Madine: Where is thy salute?

Jar Jar Binks: For presenting yousa selves on dissn' battlefield, I given yousa 'tanks.

General Madine: This is our army. To join it you give homage.

Jar Jar Binks: I given homage to de Rebellion. And if disan yousa army, why does it go?

Ric Olie: We didn't come here to fight for them.

Captain Typo: Home. The Clones are too many.

Jar Jar Binks: Sonas of dem Naboo, Mesa Jar Jar Binks!

Ric Olie: Jar Jar Binks is 17 feet tall.

Jar Jar Binks: Yes, meesa heard. Hesa killen droiyos by da hundreds, and if hesa were here he'd consume dey Clone bombads withsa fireballs from hisa eyes and bolts of lightning from heesa peeyousa. Meesa Jar Jar Binks, and meesa see a whole army of Gungan warriors herein defiance of bombad tyranny. Yousa have come to fighten as free men, and free men yousa are. What will yousa do with that freedom? Will yousa fight?

Captain Typo: Fight against that? No, we will run, and we will live.

Jar Jar Binks: Aye, fighten and yousa people gonna die, run and yousa live. At least a while. And dying in yousa beds many years from now, would yousa be willing to traden all dem days from thisun to that for one chance, justun one chance to come back here and tell mesa bombad enemies that they may take our lives, but dem never take our freedom?!

*Naboo trumpets blare as Gungan warriors began chanting*

**********
General Veers: They seem quite optimistic to me. Maybe they do want to fight.

Commander Cody: Confrontation might be a foregone conclusion, General. But nonetheless, I think we should deliver the Emperor's terms.

General Veers: The Emperor's terms; He'll never live up to them.

Commander Cody: My lord, I think--.

General Veers: Alright, offer them the terms.

**********

General Organa: They're coming out. Shall we go and meet them?

General Madine: Let me do the talking.

General Kenobi: Well, at least the negotiations should be short.

**********

Captain Tarpalls: Itsa fine speech. Whatta wesa do now?

Jar Jar Binks: Just bein' yousa selves. *Turns his Eopie to the field*

Boss Nass: Where are yousa going?

Jar Jar Binks: Meesa going to pick eh fight.

Boss Nass: Well, wesa didn't get all dressed up for nothing.

**********

(As Commander Cody offers the terms, Jar Jar Binks constantly interrupts him.)

Commander Cody: Madine, Organa, Kenobi. Here are the emperor's terms. Lead this army off field and he will give you each estates in Alderaan, including hereditary title, from which you will pay--, from which you will pay him an annual duty--.

Jar Jar Binks: Meesa have an offer for yousa.

General Madine: This is Jar Jar Binks.

Commander Cody (Ignoring Jar Jar): From which you will pay the emperor an annual duty--.

Jar Jar Binks: Meesa said Meesa have an offer for yousa.

General Organa (To Jar Jar): You disrespect a banner of truce?

Jar Jar Binks: From heesa Emperor? Absolutely. Here are dey Gungan's terms. Lower yousa flags, marcha straight back to bombad-Geonosis, stopping at every home to beg'gin forgiveness for dey 100 years of theft, rape, and murder. Do that and your clones shall live. Do it not, and meesa tinks every one of yousa will die.

Commander Cody: You are outmatched. You have no heavy cavalry. In two centuries no army has won without--.

Jar Jar Binks: Meesa not finished. Before wesa let you leave, yousa commander must cross disa field, present himself before dissin grand army, put hissa head between his legs, and kissin his own peeyousa, okiday?

(Commander Cody and his escorts return to their own side of the field.)

General Organa: I'd say that was rather less cordial than he was used to.

General Kenobi: I've got a bad feeling about this...