"Are they away from the drive thru?"
"They've just made the jump into hypertaste."
"We did give them a receipt, Lord Vader?"
"Of course, Manager Tarkin. Otherwise, they would be entitled to a free meal."
The neutral voice announced the time left. "KFC Star in range in 9 minutes."
Vader looked up. "Wait. No! We're in the wrong scene!!"
A voice shouts from off-screen. "Just read the script! I'm not telling you again, Vader! We can replace you!"
"Keep dreaming!"
"We will! We'll dream all the way to the bank to void your check! I am not playing!"
"Fine. Getting it from all ends around here..."
Manager Tarkin stared at Vader. "You really are insane...Moving right along, weren't you supposed to be handling the space forces?"
"I was. But then I realized there was a better method to defeat the Fast Food Rebellion." He held up a KFC Fish Snacker. "This will be a filet long remembered. It has seen the end of Kenobi's taste test. It will soon see the end of the Fast Food Rebellion. But only if I don't eat the filet first. Then it wouldn't see the end of the aforementioned rebellion."
"Perhaps you have eaten one bite too many, Lord Vader. The plan to defeat the Rebels, please. We have 8 minutes left."
"Plenty of time in a movie." Vader hooked his thumbs on his belt and tapped his fingers against his waist. "See? No explosions. It's a movie. But...to get on with this, I've read ahead in the script. See this part here, where I turn my head around and say, 'What?' That's the part where this rogue-on-the-edge fish franchise, Millennium Chicken & Fries, shows up to save the day. I nearly get hit with tartar sauce, and I spiral away from the battle in my Advanced Chicken Pot PIE--which is only for fifty cents extra at KFC."
"Really? What does it come with?"
"Bowl-shaped bread, baked to perfection and filled with a broth of KFC's special carrots, peas, and our trademark chicken done right. Mmm, mmm!"
"Doesn't Quizno's say 'Mmm, mmm'?"
"We're getting way off base here."
"It's in the script. I like my job, Vader. Do you?"
"Well, I realized--moving on--that if I merely called Millennium Chicken & Fries, placed an order, and then destroyed the franchise once it arrived to deliver, I could prevent it from stopping me at that critical moment where Luke--whoever he is--pours two liters of Pepsi down the soda machine and fires a pack of Mentos into that hole. A hole I've repeatedly asked to be repaired, I might add."
"Why, Vader...that's genius! How did you think of it?"
"Well...it is also in the script, actually. Quite a shock, if you ask me. Ever since my taste buds were injured, I no longer have those Food visions, you know. Stuff sneaks up on me nowadays."
"Well, whatever the case, you are surely due for a promotion if this works. Executive Vice Manager of the KFC Empire, how does that sound?"
"It sounds a lot like my current position, with the word 'Executive' in front of it."
"Then you're promoted!" Tarkin dialed the comm code of Millennium Chicken & Fries--their bright yellow menus were left in the corridors during Manager Han Solo's daring escape. How did they escape, anyway? I never did answer that question...
Manager Solo answered the call. "Thank you for choosing Millennium Chicken & Fries, home of the fish & chips platter and service that's .5 faster than fries' speed. How may I help you?"
"Uh, yes....hold on for a moment."
"Look, I can't keep putting people on hold--I got a lot of customers on the line here. I'm kinda busy trying to balance off all the KFC that the uh, 30 friends of mine have been eating lately." Chewbacca's voice could be heard. "What's that, Chewie? It's 28 now? Oh...well cancel those orders of battered shrimp, will ya? I got a customer on the line! Sorry about that, sir. Look, uh, can you call back when you're ready to order?"
"But...please wait--it'll be worth your while, I assure you."
"It'd have to be one heck of an order to be worth my while right now."
Tarkin turned to Vader and spoke in low tones. "Our order will have to be fairly large to avoid suspicion."
"How large?" Vader said.
"Say, 10,000 fish & chips platters."
"Well, at least we'll have leftovers."
"We're not going to eat it! (And why didn't you recognize my subtle reference to Batman Begins?)"
"(Not a movie buff, sorry.)"
"As I was saying, we're not going to eat it! We're going to get him to deliver it so we can kill him! Remember, your plan?"
"Oh. Right. A small error on my part. But I understand they do have good fish & chips."
"Lord Vader."
"It's true! I've never tried them, and wouldn't, of course, but I do recognize good food when I sense it!"
"All right, sir, we're ready to order."
Han sighed. "Finally. What'll it be?"
Tarkin looked at Vader. "We'll have 10,000 orders of your fish & chips platter."
"Ten thousand, huh?"
"Yes, ten thousand. All in advance."
"We could almost buy our own fish & chips franchise for that."
"Yes, but who's going to run it? You?"
"No. I already own a fish & chips franchise. And stop bitin' off my dialogue! Those are my lines! Who do you think you are, anyway?"
"Alright! Alright. Let's be calm here. Just...fly it on up to 209320302 KFC Lane, and we'll be there to pick it up and pay you appropriately."
"209320302 KFC Lane...got it. And your comm code, please?"
"2123163174819403."
"Got it. Your order will be up in....I'm sorry, are you willing to wait 20 minutes? We've got kind of a backup here--CHEWIE! GET THOSE FRIES OUT OF THAT PAN! I TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT!! Excuse me, sir. I'm sorry. Is 20 minutes okay?"
"20 minutes?" Tarkin whispered to Vader.
"It's movie time..." Vader whispered back. He took over speaking to Solo. "Uh, yes, 20 minutes would be just fine, juuust perfect. Heh heh heh."
"Alright," Manager Solo said. "Thanks again for choosing Millennium Chicken & Fries. We'll see you shortly."
"You're quite welcome." Vader ended the communication. "You see? Now all we have to do is wait...and we'll not only have won the battle, we'll have won the best fish second to our KFC Fish Snackers. Then, we can incorporate Manager Solo's secret recipe into our own fish products. The greatest two fish recipes combined will make us the unchallenged rulers of both fish AND chicken." Vader folded his arms. "Yeah. I'm good like that. I'm reaaal good. And smart. Did I mention that? And even without my taste buds, I'm still dangerously handsome under this mask. You didn't know that, did you, ladies? AND I'm single! Ha ha!"
"Uh...Vader? Perhaps...you need some time off, hmm?"
"Not necessary. I take naps during my breaks. So...what's on the HoloNet? Any good KFC commercials?" Vader pulls up a recliner chair and turns on the Holonet, then grabs a box of Boneless Honey BBQ wings. "Let me know when 10 minutes are up."
Tarkin just stared at him. "I think I'll take some time off, after this is over..."