Luke was stirred to consciousness again, and as the chill of being hung like a Fudgesicle returned to him, he realized with dismay that in fact, it was not his iPod that had malfunctioned. It was Obi-Wan's iPod, first of all, which he had successfully retrieved in one of those in-between movie stories that they always do, you know, not good enough to be a movie, but probably good enough to be a TV miniseries, but we don't feel like doing a TV miniseries so we'll just put words on paper about it? And secondly, that blasted wampa was entering yet another song cue.

Luke stared at his frozen drumstick, lying in the snow below him. If only he could reach it, with the power of the Food, he could break free. Or should it be a french fry he's reaching for? What do you think? Why not both? Okay, both. There's a frozen meal of chicken and fries on a plate below him, like a Stouffer's kind of thing, except with the power of the Food, you don't have to wait 5 minutes for it to heat up...Okay, much better....

The wampa slides around on the ice, holding up the thigh of the tauntaun as if a microphone, singing and dancing to the tune of an R&B star...

"Hungry taste buds
Will arise
In our lives
'Cause I guess we'd starve without 'em
My frustrations
With Klondikes
And frozen pies
Man they're just too hard to stomach
And IIIIIIIIII
I love food
Food is all good
And IIIIIIIIII
I'm hungry
For something tasty

You don't have to thaw
It's okay, 'taun
'Cause I'm gonna eat your thigh tonight
You don't have to thaw--you don't gotta thaw!
It's okay, 'taun
And I will eat French Fries tonight

'Cause I'm hungry tonight
And I'm much too desperate inside
To eat moooore of that sherbet stuff
So tonight
I'm gonna eat like a fat man does
And just scarf iiiiiit!!!

You don't have to thaw
It's okay, 'taun
'Cause I'm gonna eat your thigh tonight
You don't have to thaw--you don't gotta thaw!
It's okay, 'taun--it's okay!
And I will eat French Fries tonight....."


Luke reached out for the meal....the power of the Food slid it closer....he reached......

The wampa stopped, and stepped towards Luke.

The plate moved again....and again....

"NA NA NA NAAA NAAAA!" Luke grabbed the plate, instantly made hot and ready to serve through the Food, and brought it close to his feet, melting away the ice. He dropped to the ground as the wampa lunged at him. "Hi-yoa!" He swung the drumstick, lopping off the wampa's arm.

"ROOOOOOOOOOOOOAAR!!"

Luke put the drumstick back on the plate and raced out of the cave. He stopped and went back in, grabbed a pink spoon and some napkins, then ran out once more into the cold.
Standing out in the unbelievable cold, he hit himself on the head. "Oh! I forgot this isn't the one that comes with mashed potatoes! Hammit! Why did I go back in there?"


Han Solo rode across the frozen wasteland, trying to detect even the slightest hint of french fries on his portable foodar. The tauntaun jostled him. "Hey! Watch it! Can't you see I'm watching Young Indiana Jones?"
Han continued on, distracted driving and all, eager to find his friend Luke--and hoping that if there was indeed someone named Yuke out here, as he secretly feared, that said Yuke wouldn't be seeking revenge or anything like that....yeah. Just tell yourself...there is no Yuke, you just misheard Threepio. There is no Yuke....

"Sir--all the orders are in. Still no--" The Rebel officer realized he was talking too loud. "Still no orders from Skywalker or Solo."
"Well, at least we can slack off, without our best managers around." The other guy, who looked like he might be on some show called Cheers, turned to face Manager Leia. "There's nothing more we can do tonight. The meal orders must be closed."
"Close the orders."
Threepio stood next to Leia. "Artoo says the chances of surviving on ice cream alone in freezing temperatures are about....well, actually, there's no empirical data on that sort of thing, so we don't really know."
The meal orders closed out on the computer screen, and the door to the entrance was locked; a large CLOSED sign lit up. Chewbacca moaned in despair.
"Actually, Artoo has been known to make coffee cakes....from time to time."
Leia looked at Threepio. "Well, can he make one now?"
"Of course, Mistress Leia. For you, anything!"


Luke's unconscious form was freezing over. A Food vision....not again...more trading off of other movies?

The old man cackled. "Perhaps you refer to the imminent snack of your Rebel meat. And their alcoholic beverages. Yes...I assure you, we are quite safe from your friends' beer!"
"Your overstuffed chicken meat is your weakness," Luke said.
"Your faith in your fries is yours."
Vader pointed at Luke. "Ooh! He told you! You got embarrassed, son! Just go ahead and go home! You can't take the heat! Get out of the kitchen! This is his kitchen! His kitchen, son! Yeah!"
Luke stared at the dark clad figure, ever the picture of calm. "You'd like to believe that, wouldn't you? You're wrong. All of you are. There are other ways to do chicken correctly. And soon I'll be fed. And you both with me. Oh. That line belongs up there....oh...whoops..."

"Luke. Luke!"
Luke stirred to consciousness to find...
"Ben?"
Obi-Wan Kenobi stared at him. "You will go to the Radio Shack."
"Radio Shack."
"There you will get an iPod Nano, and bring my iPod back to me."
"This is a food story. How did iPods get involved?"
"Don't try to dodge the issue, Luke! You stole my iPod! No, first you lost it, then you found it again and didn't tell me! How is that fair? You're a thief! Some hero you are!"
"Well, first of all, you're not even dead. I mean, how'd you even get here?"
"The Food can have a strong influence on the meat-minded--"
"Yeah, I heard you the first time! So what do you really want?"
"You will go to the Olive Garden."
"Olive Garden."
"There you will learn from Soda, the French Fry Master who instructed meat. I mean, me...."
"Ben!!!"
Ben got in his speeder and tried to start it up. Eeeee eeee eeee eeeh! Eeeee eeeee eeeee eeeh! Eeeeee eeeee eeeeh! "Come on!!! Don't die on me now!"
Han Solo rode in on the tauntaun, not seeing the speeder two feet in front of him. He hit it dead on and flew off the tauntaun into the snow. Obi-Wan ducked as the impact shuddered the vehicle and threw snow all over him. The horn on the speeder started honking and the lights flashed on and off. "Oh, man! The alarm again! I just got that fixed!"
Han sat up carefully..."What the--? Old man? You again! Weren't you supposed to die?"
"I believe you were the one who pointed out that perhaps the wise old man wouldn't have to die. Guess you have to be careful what you wish for, huh?"
"Gee, if Luke were here, he'd say, 'Well, isn't this a nice little reunion? It's like Food Wars All Over Again: The Musical Special Revised Edition.'"
"Yes, he would. If you weren't sitting on him."
The warmth of Han's posterior drew Luke back to consciousness. "Get off me, you idiot!"
"Hey, look--I'm the one savin' your life, pal. Show some respect to your elders."
Luke shoved him off and picked up a nice handful of vanilla ice cream. "Sorry, Han. I think you've got me confused with Yuke!" He threw the ice cream.
Han reflexively drew his cole slaw--excuse me, cocktail sauce, almost had a continuity problem there--blaster and shot down the ball of flavor. "Maybe next time, kid. Still not quite fast enough." He holstered the blaster. "Boy, isn't this gonna mess up the plot," he said sarcastically. "Only thing we need now is a bunch of KFC Laptop Meals floatin' around...."
"Laptop Meal? Where?"
Han sighed. "Infants..."