I was watching Return of the Jedi yet again yesterday, and I found that I felt something I'd never felt in all my years of watching it: I actually hated Darth Vader. I actually wanted Luke to kill him, or at least to make him suffer.

I honestly can't figure out what made me feel that way. I mean...I've known for a long time that Vader was a monster, and I certainly felt disgust once I found out he turned on Padme as he did. But I never really felt Luke should kill him. I always felt that it was very important for Luke not to kill Vader. I felt that for Luke to throw down the lightsaber was important--that it showed a vital lesson: being a Jedi is not about violence. It's about peace. We can allow Vader to toss an old man over the railing because, well, it was an evil, evil old man. And Vader wasn't a Jedi anymore, but if he were, he still could've done the same thing for the same reason. But only if that were the absolute last available option.

But anyway, it's just...I don't know. I'm worried. Am I succumbing to the dark side? I've actually started to like Darth Caedus a little bit (for you EU folks out there); it's crazy! Because he always disgusted me for so long. I can't forgive him for what he did, any of it. It's just...there's this moment in Fury where he rewards someone who picks up on a minor detail, and I just thought...wow, there's a great leader. He can reward competence.

AAAAAAAAAAAH! "I'll never join you!!!!!" I actually find myself thinking that maybe even Caedus shouldn't be killed. I don't know that it's a notion that he's redeemable, but given his actions in Fury so far, regarding Allana, perhaps there is a tiny ray of hope. If there's still one thing Jacen Solo is not willing to sacrifice, one person, then maybe there is still love within him, or the capacity for it. Maybe.




SPOILER ALERT!! Close your eyes!!

(For those of you who've read it , I doubt he'd do anything to Allana--I think he was bluffing when he issues the ultimatum to the Tenel Ka, threatening to kill Allana. He's just trading off his reputation of being ruthless. His daughter is his one soft spot. For now.)











I guess I still have much to learn. I had a dream about the woman I once loved, over the weekend. This Saturday will mark 3 years since she broke up with me. But in the dream, I saw her again. Then someone I knew and respected was lecturing me about how I can't be with her again, and I felt this anger well up inside me, anger like I hadn't felt in my life for a long, long time. I actually felt myself shouting, and I assume I didn't actually shout while I was dreaming, but it felt like it was real. It was scary, even though it was just a dream. Maybe there's a lot of anger inside me, and I've tried to bury it somehow, tried to deny it. I wonder what it means? "It was only a dream."

Anyway, what should I do? Shall I spend more time in Jedi meditation? Go on some sort of soul-searching mission that refreshes my spirit? That's what they do in the EU, right? Well...I guess...it was just a passing feeling, what I felt about Vader at that time. I'm sure I don't have that sort of hate in me. Besides, I don't take it THAT seriously, after all. It's just odd to me that that happened and..."it's never happened before."

Well, I'm busily finishing up LOTF: Fury and I will blog more about that soon, after which I will get to work on Food Wars again. "I promise you. I will even learn to stop chickens from frying!"

MTFBWY!

Chris2OneBee