Somewhere deep in the Ore-Ida frozen potato field, Five-Star Destroyers bombarded the tater tots with flavor. Chicken Pot PIE-Bombers attacked the potatoes with heavy peas, hoping to shake something loose in their search for the rogue fish & chips franchise that had eluded the Imperial Darkmeat thus far.

Leia sat in the cookpit of the Millennium Chicken & Fries, filling out the customer survey. Let's see, she thought. Would I rate my experience as Very Satisfactory, Somewhat Satisfactory, Neither Satisfied Nor Unsatisfied, Somewhat Dissatisfied, or Very Dissatisfied? Well, the food was pretty good. The service was okay, I guess, though he firmly rejected my inappropriate advances. That was pretty disappointing-I was really hoping we'd try for first base. (Although...I just found out what first base was last year by researching it on the Holonet. Hmm. Maybe we better move a little slower, then...) And well, I guess I'd have to go someplace inappropriate for a Dairy Princess in order to get service that exciting, huh? I'll just say...Somewhat Satisfactory.
She heard the crackle of food outside as something darted past her vision. She slowly sat up to look out the viewport. Suddenly, a piece of popcorn chicken, covered in honey mustard sauce, latched onto the viewport. "UuuuAAH!!!" Leia jumped back.

"If I might venture to add another onion to this sandwich-"
"I'm not really interested in your onions, Threepio," Han said. "I am this close to firing you; I just can't find any replacements right now. But the second I do--"
Leia ran into the engine room. "There's something out there."
Raising his goggles, Han looked at her. "Where?"
"Outside, in the potato."
"Ah, it's probably just some tater tots loosenin' up. Our landing might've heated the area a little. Either way--"
POP! POP! HISSSSS!
"There it is! Listen, listen!" Threepio said.
"Hey! You don't tell me what to do, Threepio! I'm Team Captain! I'll listen to what I want, when I want. Like now, if I feel like dialing up Figrin D'An and the Modal Nodes on my iPod, I'll do it." Han thumbed the click wheel until he selected their newest hit, "Cantina Band #17", and started dancing.
"Han!" Leia shouted. "Aren't you going to do something?"
"What?" Han took a headphone out of his ear.
"I said, aren't you going to do something?!"
"I am doin' something! I'm jammin' to this bad boy right here!" He held up his iPod. "Now if you don't mind, I've got some more jammin' left to do!" He put the headphone back in his ear and continued dancing.
Han jammed his way over to the grease gauge and noticed it was at the "1/2" point. He frowned, then took his headphones out to listen. "Oh my sauce... I'm goin' out there."
"Are you crazy?" Leia said.
Han grabbed his cocktail sauce blaster and a rebreather. "Well, you wanted me to do something, didn't you? I just got this fish and chicken bucket back together, I'm not gonna let something chew it apart!"
"Ooh, then I'm going with you!"
Chewbacca moaned in agreement and followed Han.
Threepio stayed behind. "I think it might be better if I stayed behind to guard the chips. Oh no..." He took his name tag off. "I have a very bad feeling about this. I forget to double check my outside workstation..."

Han lowered the ramp on the drive thru and stepped out carefully, cocktail blaster in hand. His voice was filtered through an internal comlink in the rebreather. "This thing's filterin' alright, but I smell grease. It doesn't look good at all."
Leia stepped carefully behind him, then off to his right. "This ground sure feels strange. Doesn't feel like tot!"
"There's an awful lot of grease in here."
"I don't know. I have a bad feeling about this. We should never have let Threepio handle the external fryer."
"Yeah." Han turned and pointed his cocktail blaster. "Watch out!"
B-DOW!
"It's alright! It's alright. Yeah. Just what I thought. Popcorn chicken."
"Popcorn chicken?"
"Must've been stewing in the grease that spilled out-oh my--! THREEPIO!!!" Han strode over to the other side of the Chicken & Fries. Grease was steadily pouring over the side onto the ground. "YOU'RE FIRED!!! You let that grease basket TURN OVER!!"
"I don't take orders from you anymore!" Threepio said, sneaking out of the ship. "Just call it my personal brand of sabotage!"
"You give yourself too much credit! You're not SMART enough for sabotage! You might be evil enough to THINK to MAKE UP that you sabotaged it, but only your DUMBNESS enabled you to pull it off!"
"Han!" Leia said. "That's enough!"
"Get your golden rump out here and CLEAN THIS UP!" Han watched, as the grease was absorbed into the ground, then he heard a giant roar. "Wait a minute..."
He pointed his cocktail sauce blaster at the ground, then fired. B-DOW-NOW! It was absorbed again, and a deafening roar was heard, followed by a quaking of the ground! Han ran towards the entrance ramp into the Chicken & Fries.

Back aboard the Chicken & Fries, Han raced to the cookpit. "Alright, Chewie-let's get outta here!"
"The KFC Empire is still out there! I don't think it's wise to-"
"No time to discuss this with the operating committee!"
Leia struggled to keep her balance. "I am NOT an operating committee!"
Threepio, attempting to follow her, slipped on some grease and fell backwards. "AAH!"
Han made it to the cookpit and fired up the engines.
"You can't make the jump to friedspeed in this Ore-Ida field!" Leia said, nearly falling into him as the franchise shook them up again.
"Silence, sweetheart-we're taking off the fat, with our new baked flounder meal, for only $9.99! Feed your whole gang for less than KFC can dream of!"
The Chicken & Fries lifted off and soared towards a rapidly closing...opening...closing...opening...infinite loop...restart...!
"Look! The cave is collapsing! We'll be buried in a frozen, tatery grave!"
"This is no frozen tater!"
"What?"
The Chicken & Fries was vomited out of the giant, icy tapeworm's mouth!
"Whoa," Han said. "I'm sure that got in there after the Ore-Ida vessel jettisoned its cargo. Ore-Ida's not known for havin' stuff like that in their food."
"Well, let's hope not," Leia said.
"RRRRWWOOO!"
"We'll deal with Threepio soon enough, Chewie. He's suspended without pay until further notice."
"RRRWAA!"
"Yeah. In this case, that's a nice way to say he's fired. I'll draw up the papers to begin the separation process once we land someplace safe."
Leia folded her arms. "Are you sure about this? He could file suit, alleging droid discrimination. With all the anti-droid sentiment going around, it'd be an easy staging point for droid rights everywhere. Do you really want that? Millennium Chicken & Fries v. Threepio being the turning point for the droid rights movement?" Leia leaned towards him and spoke in a conspiratorial tone. "Sometimes the only way to keep these frakkin' toasters down is to give 'em a little. Just enough so they won't complain."
Han growled. "He's taking a job from honest, decent men! And he doesn't deserve it! Ham him! Ham him to shell! I'll let him stay, long as he doesn't sue." He hit the controls in dismay. "I'm actually missing Luke right now."
Chewie looked over. "RRRRWOMPH!"
"No, Chewie, I promise. Cookiees will not be discriminated against under any circumstances, okay? You've earned your keep here. Threepio hasn't. This is between me and him. Okay?"
"RRMPH!"
"Can I mention," Han added, "how strangely weird this script got all of a sudden? Next they'll have me saying droids should have their own schools! I am sorry for this, folks. Threepio's a good guy. Some of my best friends are droids. It's just...he's clearly incompetent!" Han sighed. "Look...just go to the next scene, okay? I'm not an anti-droidite! I'm not..."
And so...this dark moment in Han's history ended, as Threepio carefully removed the recording device he had attached to the side of the cookpit entrance and sat down. He was sure to keep his expression as casual and as ignorant as possible...