And now, the startling finale--I guess...of the clash between fast food chains, and the tragic battle of two friends who really want the same things--good food served quickly...



McDonalds, home of the Separatist Council

Sign outside McDonalds--"Billions of Droids Served--After All, Droids Need All the Oil in Our Food!"

Gigantic droids flip burgers outside, above the lava on Mustafar.

"The plan has gone as you had promised, my lord. We have prepared the food poorly, and made many, many people fat."
"You have done well, Viceroy. When my new apprentice, Darth Vader, arrives, he will....take care of you."
"Wait, is he going to kill us or something?"
"Viceroy, you eat at McDonalds! You're already dead! You're just two McBig sandwiches away! Ha ha ha ha ha!"


The Jedi Starfighter races into the McDonalds drive thru. Artoo leaps out of the ship, his dome spraying Lysol into the air.
Anakin looks at him, as he raises the cockpit canopy. "You know, it really wasn't that bad. You're exaggerating the smell!"
Artoo's dome shakes back and forth, and he beeps in disagreement.
"Maybe you should get your sensors checked out. I mean, you're a droid! What do you know about what stinks? Just for that, you have to stay here. I'm going inside."
Artoo beeps and whistles. Why is he going inside? They don't do chicken right! This isn't KFC! What's he going to do, rob the place? Or is he setting up a new KFC franchise here? Simultaneously, his mechanical arm reaches for Honey BBQ Wings. Well, more for me...

Anakin walks into the McDonalds. The Separatists look at him. "Welcome, Lord Vader. May I take your order?"
"Yes," Vader says. "I'll have an order of Honey BBQ Wings, and a KFC Snacker sandwich."
"But...my lord, this is McDonalds--"
"Not anymore!" He pulls out his bucket of chicken. "A pity you learn too late, Viceroy. Either do chicken right, like KFC does, with an original recipe that can't be beat, or don't do chicken at all!"

Coruscant, Galactic Senate

"The attempt to feed me inferior fast food has left me scarred, and deformed...but, I assure you, my hunger to taste CHICKEN DONE RIGHT has NEVER BEEN STRONGER!"
[The Senate applauds]

McDonalds, Mustafar

"We do not allow outside food in---AH!!!"
VMM!! Vader, wielding his KFC drumsticks, dispatches with the Separatist Council.
"AAAH!"
"aaaAAH!!! That tastes too good!!"
"Twelve herbs and spices--GWAAAAH!"
"It's so much better than our bland foo--AAGGGH!!"
Twirling the drumstick, he bats a french fry back at a battle droid, then...his eyes glowing with the dark side, he looks around and takes a nice, big bite of the drumstick.

Coruscant, Galactic Senate

"In order to ensure fast food security and continuing stability, the Republic... will be reorganized...into the FIRST KENTUCKY FRIED EM-PIRE! For a GREAT-TASTING, and SECURE CHICKEN SOCIETY!!"
The Senate applauds. Padme looks around in disbelief. "So this is how abused chickens die--with thunderous ba-caws."
She takes a bite from a KFC biscuit. "Mmm...that's pretty good."

McDonalds, Mustafar

"The fast food war is over! Lord Sidious promised us a piece...of Original Recipe! We only want--EEEEEEE!!!"
"Sorry, Viceroy. We're all out of Original Recipe. You just got a taste of Spicy. If you're willing to wait 10 minutes...I've got another bucket coming up." Vader looks down at the Viceroy. "Oh...he's dead. Guess he couldn't handle all that Spicy flavor from KFC's chicken. Done right." He looks around, taking a bite from the Spicy chicken wing. "I guess none of you could!"

Hours later, Padme's ship arrives. Anakin runs out to meet her. She's holding a bucket of KFC. Instead of hugging her, he just takes the bucket. "I saw your ship. What are you doing out here? There's no good food for another 10 parsecs!"
"I know. That's why I was so worried about you! Obi-Wan...gave me terrible wings..."
"What wings?"
Padme feels...disgusted by the thought. "He gave me....these Mighty Wings or....some kind of...dark meat chicken from Wendy's!"
"Obi-Wan is just trying to turn fast food against me."
"He cares about getting good food to us."
"Us?"
"He knows. He wants to help you do what tastes right...or....have it your way...or...I'm lovin' it...or something...He said a lot of confusing things to me! I'm scared!"
Padme looks intently at Anakin. "Anakin, all I want...is your side orders."
"Side orders won't save you, Padme. Only my new Chicken Pot Pie from KFC can do that."
"At what cost?"
"Oh...I think it's only $1.99. Pretty good price, certainly better than any value meal from the burger places! And since when did they ever sell anything with decent chicken?"
"You're really overdoing it, Anakin."
"I won't let you eat food I wouldn't give to my mother. I am making more powerful chicken than McDonalds has ever dreamed of. And I'm doing it for you, to protect you."
"Come away with me. Help me do chicken right with our child. Leave these franchises behind, while we still can!"
"Don't you see? We don't have to run away to find KFC anymore! I have brought pieces of Original Recipe chicken, Spicy, and Honey BBQ to the Republic! I am more powerful than the Colonel, I can overthrow him!"
Padme steps back a little.
"And together, you and I can rule the KFCs, make wings the way we want them to be--with 12 herbs and spices!"
"I don't believe what I'm hearing. Obi-Wan was right...you've changed!"
"I don't want to hear any more about Obi-Wan. The French Fries turned against me--don't you turn against me!"
"I don't think you care about Team KFC anymore! You just want to make more franchises and underpay your employees and....and kill chickens!"
"But they'll taste right, Padme! Can't you see that? What better death could a chicken experience, than to know that he will be fried up with 12 herbs and spices, and served at an affordable price for the common man?"
"I don't know your food anymore! Anakin, you're breaking my heart! You're going into a drive thru I can't follow!"
"Because of Obi-Wan?"
"Because of what you done!...What you plan to do...with KFC! Let's just eat the food, not make it into a fast food empire!" Anakin turns towards her ship, and she stares at the bucket of chicken. "Stop now, come back! I love this food!"
Anakin sees Obi-Wan, holding a McDonalds bag as he exits the ship. "LIAR! You went to McDonalds with HIM! You brought him here to grill meat!"
Padme is shocked. "No! No! Well...I just wanted a McGriddle, and I told him to get rid of the bag..."
She takes out the McGriddle sandwich and starts eating it. "Aahh...the fat...it's choking me..."
Anakin reaches out a hand and uses the Force. "I can't...dislodge it!!! It's too much FAT!! It's not CHICKEN DONE RIGHT!!!"
Obi-Wan shouts. "Let her go to McDonalds, Anakin! Let...her...go! They have free water! I forgot to get something to drink, the service was bad!"
She collapses. Anakin stares at her, then faces Obi-Wan in rage. "YOU TURNED HER AGAINST KFC!!"
"You have done that yourself!"
"You will not take KFC from me!"
"Your A&W and Taco Bell combinations have already done that. You have allowed this...Dark Lord to crisp your chicken, until now...until now you have devoured the very wings you swore to destroy!"
"Don't lecture me, Obi-Wan. I see through the fries of the Jedi! I do not fear the dark meat as you do! I have brought wings, drumsticks, and breasts to my new KFC Empire!"
"Your new KFC Empire?"
"Don't make me thrill you with our flavors!"
"Anakin, my allegiance is to the Republic, to fast food DEMOCRACY!"
"If you're not with KFC, then your stomach is empty!"
"Only a Team KFC manager deals in absolutes..." He pulls a McBig sandwich out of the McDonalds bag. "I shall chew what I must."
"You will fry...."
Anakin pulls a drumstick and leaps into the air. "RRAAA!!"

A flurry of chicken and burger, dodges and ducks, bites, and swallows at blinding speed! Barely enough time to suck down a Sprite!
"That's your problem, Obi-Wan! KFC has free refills! You're gonna run out sooner or later!"
"Yes, but so do some area McDonalds!" He sips the last of the Sprite, then shakes some of the ice into his mouth. "Ha! Didn't see that coming, did you? I turned the ice into an extra drink--melted water!"
"Gosh, you're stupid! RRAA!!"
He lunges with the drumstick. Obi-Wan knocks it out of his hand. Then Anakin dropkicks him, sending the McBig sandwich flying across the room. Obi-Wan pulls a handful of french fries and presses them against Anakin's leg. "Hu--AAAH!"
Anakin falls down, his clothing nearly burned through! "Hey! Those fries were dangerously hot!"
"If you think those are hot, try our Mighty Wings!"
Anakin pulls a pair of Honey BBQ Wings from the box he was miraculously carrying on his belt.
Obi-Wan pulls his crispy chicken strips. "You may think your chicken is done right, Anakin! But do they give you dipping sauce?"
"When chicken is done right, you don't NEED sauce!!"
They twirl their food dangerously, and the competing chicken pieces clash!! The sauces damage the controls, and the lava shielding comes down!!!

The battle continues perilously below...

Obi-Wan has been reduced to his last box of Chicken McNuggets. "I sure wish they had more side orders, like KFC!"
Anakin scowls. "No more side orders, Obi-Wan? I have you now!"
Anakin pulls his Spicy drumstick and corn-on-the-cob. They battle again, fiercely.
Obi-Wan grabs onto an obscenely large french fry and swings out onto one of the giant frying baskets. Anakin follows.

They stare at each other. "I have failed food, Anakin. I have failed food."
"I should've known the french fries were plotting to take over!"
"Anakin, Original Recipe is EVIL!"
"From my point of view, french fries are evil!"
"Then you are lost! Unless...wait, KFC is the place I was just...talking about last time, with Yoda. They have those potato wedges, right?"
"TOO LATE! YAAAAH!!"
Anakin jumps onto the frying basket, barely keeping his balance. They battle once more. Obi-Wan sees the embankment and jumps away. Anakin misses him with the Spicy drumstick, then takes a bite.

Obi-Wan lands, scoops up some french fries, and faces him. "It's over, Anakin! I have the fries now!"
Anakin pulls out a pack of uncooked KFC chicken and a frying pan. "You underestimate my FLOUR! Our recipe can't be beat!!"
"Don't fry it!! Wait, where did that pan come from?"
"YAAAAAAA--"
Anakin fails to anticipate the reality--and weakness--of fried chicken cooked in a pan. If there's too much grease, it'll pop you right in the face! Knowing this, Obi-Wan just flicks a few Chicken McNuggets to turn the angle of the frying pan just right....and....
"OOOOHAAAA!! GWWAAAAAAH!! AAAAAAAH!!"
He drops the pan, and the chicken tumbles into the lava below. Obi-Wan looks down at him, puts on an oven mitt, and picks up a Spicy drumstick.

Pointing the drumstick at his old friend, he says, "You were the Chosen One! It was said that you would destroy the chickens, not enjoy them! Bring balance to the Food, not leave it in dark meat!"
"GUUUUUH! AAAAH!! I HATE FOOD!!"
"You were my brother, Anakin. I loved food...but I could not save any for you." He takes a bite out of the drumstick. "You know, if this weren't so good, if it weren't chicken done right, I might actually feel bad for you."
The remaining pieces of chicken catch on fire. Anakin reaches for them. "AAAAAAAH!! My chicken!! AAAAAAAAH!! RAAAAAA!!! GU-AAAAAH!!! AAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"
Obi-Wan watches him, taking another bite from the drumstick. "Hmm. Do you have any more Honey BBQ Wings?"
"AAAAAAAAAAH!!"
"No? Okay..."

Obi-Wan makes it back to Padme's ship. C-3PO is waiting. "We have Miss Padme on board, and we got some free water from the counter here."
"What? No milkshakes?"
"They were out, sir."
"Does KFC have milkshakes?"
"They have good chicken, done right. Isn't that all that matters? The customer service here was most despicable. We must leave this dreadful place and find a KFC."
Obi-Wan slaps Threepio on the shoulder gently. They get on board.

Obi-Wan looks at Padme, and she wakes up. "Obi-Wan...did Anakin fry his chicken alright?"
He can't bear to tell her of his failure. He pulls out another McGriddle sandwich, and she tears open the wrapper...He walks away.
The ship leaves McDonalds on Mustafar behind. The sign now says " ILLIONS OF ROIDS S R V D."


Oh, gosh...that was way too long, and I probably didn't give it justice. I can't honestly think of anything else at this point....why do this now? Eh, why not? It was just for fun anyway. But this time, you really won't like it. I wasn't even laughing half the time....Bye!