"Thank the Colonel! This KFC Fish Snacker is going to taste sooo good! I've got such a bad case of Arby's contamination I can barely move!" Threepio bites into the Snacker sandwich. "This is quite good, indeed. It seems KFC can do fish right as they have done chicken right!"
Luke plays with the T-16 toy he got with his Kids' Value Meal. Obviously, Uncle Owen doesn't think very highly of him..."Oh, it just isn't fair! Biggs is right-I'm never gonna leave this franchise!"
"Excuse me, sir, but is there anything I might do to help?"
"No. Not unless you can alter food, speed up our delivery process, or teleport food off this rock."
"I don't think so, sir. I'm only a droid, and not very knowledgeable of how franchises operate-well, not on this planet, anyway. As a matter of fact, I'm not even sure which planet I'm on."
"Well, if there's a five-star restaurant in the universe, you're on the planet that it's most distant from. The censors won't let me say ####hest, it has the letters f-a-r-t in it, which is too crude for them!"
"I see, sir."
"No, you can call me Luke. Sorry, my plastic name tag got broken last week..."
"I see, sir Luke."
"Look, it's just Luke, okay? That's all the name tag would say-Luke."
"Oh. And I am C-3PO, human-coffee relations. Or is it human-chicken relations? I forget. And this is my counterpart, R2-D2."
"Hello," Luke says to the R2 unit.
"Beep-beep!"
"Well, there's a lot of cole slaw scoring here-looks like you boys have seen a lot of side orders."
"Actually, I'm amazed we're not choking on cole slaw, what with the Rebellion and all."
"You know of the fast food rebellion against the KFC Empire?"
"That how we came to be in your service business, if you take my meaning, sir."
"Have you been in many food fights?"
"Several, I think. Actually, there's not much to tell. I'm only a coffee cup droid, and not very good at telling stories, well, not at making them interesting, anyway. Not very good at selling coffee, either, or anything else, except KFC, which by virtue of its taste alone, sells itself."
Luke fidgets with something inside Artoo. "Well, my little friend, you've got something jammed in here real good. Were you at a McDonalds, or-"
The message opens up. A beautiful princess-excuse me, Dairy Queen Manager-holds a bucket of KFC. "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi-I think I'm going to choke. Too much KFC...Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi-I think I'm going to choke. Too much KFC...Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi-I think I'm going to choke. Too much KFC..."
"What's this?" Luke says.
"Beep-whistle!"
Threepio chimes in. "He says pay it no mind-it's just a malfunction, an old complaint to our former manager, nothing more."
"Who is she? She's beautiful."
"I'm afraaaid I'm not quite sure, sir. I believe she was a manager at our last franchise-someone of some importance, I believe."
"Obi-Wan Kenobi...I wonder if she means old Ben Kenobi?"
"Excuse me, sir, but do you happen to know what it's talking about?"
"Well...I don't know anyone named Obi-Wan-although technically I should, as he never changed his name in any of the stories I've watched or read-but old Ben lives out beyond the Prune Sea. He's kind of a strange old...retired McDonalds manager...It sounds like she's in trouble. I better play back the entire menu, see if there's something she ate that made her choke."
"Whistle, eh eh eh!"
Threepio chides Artoo. "Be quiet, Artoo-you're going to get us fired! It's alright, you can trust him-he's our new manager."
"Beep, whistle!"
"He says the coffeemaker has short-circuited his recording system. He suggests that if you remove the coffee beans, he might be able to play back the entire message."
Luke is staring off into space. He comes back to reality and looks at Threepio. "I'm sorry, what?"
"I said, he suggests that if you remove the coffee beans-"
"Wait, I'm not removing any coffee beans. I'm mad enough as it is that I can't go to Sonic and waste money with my friends. And now I'm supposed to do more work just to hear this message? I don't think so."
"Luuke!" Beru calls. "Luke!"
"Alright, I'll be right there, Aunt Beru!" He hands Threepio the tools. "Here, see what you can do with him. I'll be right back."
Threepio looks at Artoo. "Just you reconsider playing that menu for him."
"So, uh, think he likes me?"
"If you can speak Basic, why am I always translating for you?"
"Because Basic is filthy Coruscanti language. Only pure language is beeps and whistles. You are filthy Coruscanti, I only speak Basic to you to remind you of your filthy state."
"Actually, I'm from Tatoo--oh...wait, I don't remember where I'm from. Do you?"
Artoo pauses. "You are filthy Coruscanti...from Coruscant. ... So, think he likes me?"
"No, I don't think he likes you at all."
"Beep, whistle?"
"No. I don't like you either, especially now that I know your attitude towards my people."
"Oooo."