"Good evening....this is Darth Vader. This tasty rendition of Food Wars must take a temporary respite, in order that we may bring you the terrifying tale of an all-consuming cola, an evil known only as....The Dietcola!" [Thunder booms]

.....

Four years before the events of Food Wars: A New Coke...

Somewhere in the swamps of Dagobah...

The Dietcola does not sleep; its caffeinated chemistry prevents that. The Dietcola craves only one thing: to consume at half the calories of a regular Cola. The Dietcola travels stealthily, its only sound a hiss which dissipates, and is the only warning the unwary will receive.

Rumor has it that samples of the Dietcola have been taken by survivors of its deadly dispensing and used for cleaning out refreshers and even cleaning carbon scoring off of starships.

Such unique characteristics are the very reasons Lord Vader has come here, with a detachment of KFC Teammembers from the elite 501st franchise.

Dagobah brings with it an usual sense in the Food--a combination of both white and dark meat which...strangely enough, balances things out quite nicely.

"Sir, over here!" A teammate points his cole slaw rifle at a bubbling sea of brown liquid. "I think we've found it!"
Vader stalks over to the dark pool; its refreshingly cold aura is the reason for the fog that forces him to clean off his mask in order to see. "I knew I should have had my defrost settings checked before I left. But noooo, the Emperor insisted this be done immediately...."
Vader reaches down towards the pool, then realizes his error. "Hmm. Perhaps I'd better use a straw...that would be more sanitary." He reaches into a pouch and gets out his favorite flexible straw. "I knew these would come in handy someday. Boba Fett, eat your heart out."
The KFC Teammate folded his arms. "I take offense at that."
"Well, in this tale, only the food is cloned, so I can make all the Boba Fett jokes I want."
"Really? Oh...."
Vader leaned down, sucking air with the straw. Finally he reached the liquid, and it swirled its way through the loops of his straw, reaching his charred taste buds and going down his throat. "Hmm...it tastes just like regular cola! But I sense it has less calories. Impressive. Most impressive." He ponders for a moment. "I shall have to use this line again, perhaps in The KFC Empire Strikes Back. What do you think? I'll say something like, 'Impressive. Most impressive. Obi-Wan has taught you well. You have control of your beer; you haven't spilled a drop, gotten drunk and vomited all over, or made any inappropriate flirtatious remarks.' Think that'll work?"
"Uh....yes, sir," the KFC teammate replied. "Let's just hope Irvin Kershner directs this one, or else it's going to stink like rotten poultry," he muttered.
"You underestimate the power of the dark meat," Vader said. "Your snide remarks have not gone ignored." Vader reaches out, and two KFC Original Recipe drumsticks float towards the KFC teammate.
"Please....no! Please....my lord!!" The fearful employee sinks to his knees, then looks past Vader in horror. "My lord, behind you!!"
Vader turns around just in time to see the Dietcola rise from the depths, forming a terrifying fist. The 501st franchise aims its cole slaw rifles. Vader puts up a hand. "Hold your fire! With cole slaw contaminating it, it will be useless to our franchise! I will meal with this myself."
Vader pulls out an empty Pepsi can and opens himself to the Food. The dark meat swirls around him, giving him the protein--and notable lack of harmful trans fats--to face the creature's rage.
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The Dietcola rages and fights the Food, but is overwhelmed. The soft drink gradually surrenders, and Vader fills the soda can with it. "Try it, Sergeant. You might enjoy it."
The KFC Teammate drinks from the can, and swallows it with disgust. "GAAH! It tastes like regular cola going down, but then there's this nasty aftertaste! We can't sell this to the public!"
"Hmm. That does present a problem. Perhaps we can find an alternative use for it. Prepare it for transport. And to make people believe it's good for them in some small way, let's call it....Dietcola!"

"You have done well, Lord Vader." The Emperor's face, smeared with KFC chicken grease, stared down at the mechanical menace kneeling in hologram form.
"We will use the Dietcola to cater to our health conscious customers, my master. We can also use it to absorb the garbage in our many trash disposal units. It will serve us quite well."
"Excellent. Bring a sample with you to Coruscant. And prepare the rest for transport to our...special project."
"Yes, my master."



To Be Continued In....

Y'ALL SOME STRAIGHT GARBAGE!