My username comes from one of those lame teenage things that you do in high school, but I was amused to discover that sporks are the weapon of choice for disgusted fanfic readers - it's used to (figuratively) remove one's eyes after reading a truly horrible story. Fanfic being fanfic, there are always plenty of bad stories.

I've been reading the EU for a good long time. And there are a lot of truly awful things in the books. So in honor of the spork, and the many eyeballs that have been sacrificed in the name of obsession, I present to you the most eye-sporking moments of the EU:

Luke keeps Leia on a Leash; Sexual Tension Abounds
Splinter of the Mind's Eye - I bet this made a lot more sense in 1979. Now, it's just creepy.

Ben Skywalker Kidnapped!
Star by Star - Of the many kidnapping scenes in the EU, this one takes the cake, for two reasons. First, SBS was already overstuffed with action. Secondly, HAVE WE NOT HAD ENOUGH KIDNAPPINGS WITH THE SOLO BRATS?

Toddler Jedi Knight!
Champions of the Force - Two year old Jacen. With a lightsaber. OMGWTFBBQ?

"Did he call you Master?"
Destiny's Way - Luke and Mara prove that bad romantic dialogue is not only genetic but sexually transmitted.

The One Armed Wampa
Darksaber - Because KJA is incapable of leaving any movie scene untouched.

Anakin Feels Mara's Labor Pains
Rebirth - Dude. Come on.

Winter and Ackbar's True Luv
Champions of the Force - He's a fish. I'm sure someone is going to call me an interspecies racist, but... seriously. A fish.

Spores!
Vector Prime - Mara cries about the the spores attacking her womb. Sob. Silly idea not helped along by the worst writing in the entire NJO. Best thing to come out of this was the 'pin the spores on the womb' game Club Jade played at our next JadeCon.

Bria
The Han Solo trilogy - Bria Tharen was not only Han's real TRUE LUV, she also started the Rebellion and did a ton of other 'important' stuff. If Han hadn't found out about her death moments before walking into the Mos Eisley cantina, Leia wouldn't have stood a chance. Superwoman? No. Raging Mary Sue.

The entire Young Jedi Knights Series
Jacen's jokes. Tenel Ka, the one armed-Jedi. More random movie stuff. I can't tell you how grateful I am that KJA no longer writes for the franchise.

Yes, there's More!