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 | The Top Ten Most Eye-Sporking Moments in the EU. |
My username comes from one of those lame teenage things that you do in high school, but I was amused to discover that sporks are the weapon of choice for disgusted fanfic readers - it's used to (figurativly) remove one's eyes after reading a truly horrible story. Fanfic being fanfic, there are always plenty of bad stories.
I've been reading the EU for a good long time. And there are a lot of truly awful things in the books. So in honor of the spork, and the many eyeballs that have been sacrificed in the name of obsession, I present to you the most eye-sporking moments of the EU:
Luke keeps Leia on a Leash; Sexual Tension Abounds
Splinter of the Mind's Eye - I bet this made a lot more sense in 1979. Now, it's just creepy.
Ben Skywalker Kidnapped!
Star by Star - Of the many kidnapping scenes in the EU, this one takes the cake, for two reasons. First, SBS was already overstuffed with action. Secondly, HAVE WE NOT HAD ENOUGH KIDNAPPINGS WITH THE SOLO BRATS?
Toddler Jedi Knight!
Champions of the Force - Two year old Jacen. With a lightsaber. OMGWTFBBQ?
"Did he call you Master?"
Destiny's Way - Luke and Mara prove that bad romantic dialogue is not only genetic but sexually transmitted.
The One Armed Wampa
Darksaber - Because KJA is incapable of leaving any movie scene untouched.
Anakin Feels Mara's Labor Pains
Rebirth - Dude. Come on.
Winter and Ackbar's True Luv
Champions of the Force - He's a fish. I'm sure someone is going to call me an interspecies racist, but... seriously. A fish.
Spores!
Vector Prime - Mara cries about the the spores attacking her womb. Sob. Silly idea not helped along by the worst writing in the entire NJO. Best thing to come out of this was the 'pin the spores on the womb' game Club Jade played at our next JadeCon.
Bria
The Han Solo trilogy - Bria Tharen was not only Han's real TRUE LUV, she also started the Rebellion and did a ton of other 'important' stuff. If Han hadn't found out about her death moments before walking into the Mos Eisley cantina, Leia wouldn't have stood a chance. Superwoman? No. Raging Mary Sue.
The entire Young Jedi Knights Series
Jacen's jokes. Tenel Ka, the one armed-Jedi. More random movie stuff. I can't tell you how grateful I am that KJA no longer writes for the franchise.
Yes, there's More!
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http://blogs.starwars.com/dark_spork/11 |
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bird45
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date Posted: Jun 27, 2005 9:00 AM
You know, even though I was about 13 and dumb when I read the JAT, I *knew* there was something sick, disgusting and wrong with the Winter/Ackbar thing. Thank you, Kevin Anderson, for traumatizing my adolescent brain with those images. Forget a spork, that one requires washing out the eyes with Clorox.
And while yes, Splinter is now a squickfest, it does make one wonder what would happen if you used the Kaibur Crystal (or however the hell you spell that) to make a lightsaber.
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bird45
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date Posted: Jun 27, 2005 9:01 AM
PS--that's my mother's login, she's the one with the paid account. This is Jennifer/ImperialGirl/TIE Pilot, who IS that cheap that she won't pay for Hyperspace or the Insider.
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CaptainKeyes5575
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date Posted: Jun 27, 2005 11:37 PM
uhh...Luke did use the Kaibur Crystal to make a lightsaber. See Star Wars: The Essential Chronology for more info
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onimi666
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date Posted: Jun 28, 2005 12:18 PM
ok, SV, i think you are one of the worst Star Wars fans ever. i hate it when these kind of blogs come up saying how much someone hates a particular aspect of the Star Wars universe. so if you are a true fan os StarWars, you would just accept the facts of it and stop complaining about a few minor details. and f.y.i., it wasnt as if anything happened between ackbar and winter. it was just dialoge. if your mind is sick enough to concoct some sort of weird scence, maybe you shouldnt even be reading novels.
theres my rant for the day.
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Sierra Jae
Galactic Musings of a Jedi Princess
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date Posted: Jun 28, 2005 12:34 PM
I have to say that the drochs from Planet of Twilight by Barbara Hambly also rank up there in the most horrible EU moments/things for me. I also agree heartily about the Young Jedi Knights series.
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onimi666
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date Posted: Jun 28, 2005 12:35 PM
u all suck
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Dark Spork
Sporktastic Voyage
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date Posted: Jun 28, 2005 12:50 PM
Onimi666 - Believe it or not, I like the EU. Nor do I really spend a whole lot of time focusing on minor stuff like this - they're annoying, but not detrimental. It's not like I sit around all day talking about what a horrible writer KJA is or anything. Maybe you'd like to take a look at the rest of this blog?
I'm not going to apologize for admitting that there are a lot of awful things in the EU. But if I were you I'd do a bit of research before labeling me everything that's wrong with SW fandom.
I am taking it as a compliment, though. It's not every day I get flamed so openly.  Alas, not everyone on starwars.com is as good-natured about such things as me, so enjoy your ban!
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FernWithy
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date Posted: Jun 28, 2005 2:13 PM
Ack. I couldn't get past the Zahn books without sporking my eyes out (the Luke v. Luuke battle caused me to weep with laughter until my eyes bled, and then it was just a matter of necessary surgery), which made reading the rest difficult. I did read a page later (after healing, and against the advice of my Inner Spork) involving a ship that was brought into lightspeed by stroking its tentacles rhythmically until it hit a peak of excitement and, er, spurted, but worrying spores attacking a womb and a toddler Jedi beat that... Well, almost.
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Yav14
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date Posted: Jun 28, 2005 2:13 PM
Spores!!!!!!!!!!!
Great list. I was greatly amused.
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Rogueish
W.I.E.R.D.
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date Posted: Jun 28, 2005 2:14 PM
Don't forget the time where R2-D2 and C-3PO flew the Millenium Falcon, I think it was during the Correllia trilogy. When I read that, I just cringed and thought "As if!"
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Yav14
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date Posted: Jun 28, 2005 2:14 PM
Spores!!!!!!!!!!!
Great list. I was greatly amused.
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nanluz
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date Posted: Jun 28, 2005 2:35 PM
Spores! Bria! Ok, so I like NJO better than you do overall, but this list rocks.
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Blackstar
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date Posted: Jun 28, 2005 2:35 PM
The EU has its ups and downs but I do enjoy the reading time. Stackpole also did a great job on damage control for Kevin J Anderson with I, Jedi.
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R2D2sPink3
Pink 3: Reporting for Silliness
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date Posted: Jun 28, 2005 2:42 PM
Please don't diss the Young Jedi Knights series. I know the jokes are bad, but they are supposed to be corny. Also, without that series I wouldn't have become a Star Wars fan.
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Angie13H99
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date Posted: Jun 28, 2005 5:08 PM
I thought the list was very good. One of the funniest blogs I've read. The Luke/Mara bad dialogue made me cry I laughed so hard. It's almost a Star Wars theme in it's own. Bad romantic dialogue. Yet I still come back for more. Mark of a true fan I guess. After all it is a Galaxy far far away, right?
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Obi-wanjacoby
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date Posted: Jun 28, 2005 6:16 PM
I'm with Fernwithy here on this one. Whereas the Blog author stuck it out with the EU, I found it so detrimental that I shied away from evey EU creation since the early '90s. Only Tartitovsky could get me to trust the EU licensing juggernaut again.
I'm also surprised that you never mentioned Zahn. His other unmentioned absurdities include Grand Admiral Thrawn's vast knowledge of interplanetary art/architecture. Which takes on near clairvoyant forms!!! > 
Hehe. Again, great read. Thanks for writing.
-Paul Jacoby
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MissPadme
Miss Padme's Naboo Love Nest
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date Posted: Jun 28, 2005 6:44 PM
Wordy McWord on Bria. Thank goodness those books were written pre-PT, because Bria Sue would also have a midichlorian count twice that of Luke and Anakin combined and Qui-Gon would be her secret father.
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Dark Spork
Sporktastic Voyage
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date Posted: Jun 28, 2005 7:12 PM
Fernwithy: I'm guessing you never read any Kevin J. Anderson, who's the source of half the list. The full scope of the awfulness is impossible to truly describe; multiple superweapons, Prozac Luke, the dumbest Imperial officer ever (who also happened to be Tarkin's misstress) a complete and total lack of subtly, BLOB RACES...
I know there was something or other in the NJO with tentacles to stroke, but I don't recall any, ah, spurting. I only got through the NJO by skipping 99% of the Vong bits, though.
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Dark Spork
Sporktastic Voyage
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date Posted: Jun 28, 2005 7:12 PM
R2D2sPink3: Uh. Sorry. The nicest thing I can say about the YJK series is that it's pretty easy to ignore. Which I do. Frequently.
Obi-wanjacoby: Thrawn didn't bug me in the Thrawn trilogy, but I was pretty tired of him by the time VOTF came around. I do agree he's got a lot of Stu in him. Far more than Mara did at the time, but she's the one who takes most of the anti-Zahn flack.
Yav14, Nanluz, Angie13H99 and the rest: thanks!
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EthnVaderPhaser
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date Posted: Jun 28, 2005 9:52 PM
Don't forget the time where R2-D2 and C-3PO flew the Millenium Falcon, I think it was during the Correllia trilogy. When I read that, I just cringed and thought "As if!"
Actually it was SOTE.
I wouldn't be so hard on KJA though, I think he is a very good writer. His only problem is that he needs to serve to us the fans by making the books tie into the movies as much as possible (and make them exciting enough for people to buy them). I thoroughly enjoyed all his work with one exception... When IG-88 becomes the second Death Star in "Tales of the Bounty Hunters." He then proceeds to assist the imperials with their poor superlaser aiming skills, meanwhile slamming doors in the Emperor's face for the fun of it.
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TheJediTiananmenMan
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date Posted: Jun 28, 2005 10:05 PM
Hold on a sec! Ackbar, WINTER?!?!
*goes to reread COTF*
How the hell did I miss THAT?!
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FernWithy
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date Posted: Jun 29, 2005 7:05 AM
Spork--yeah, I'm a librarian; I've seen the KJAs and closed my eyes really, really tight before it became necessary to spork them out.
I'm not sure that NJO book said "spurt" exactly, but it was pretty clear in the page I read--I'd heard about it and refused to believe it existed until I saw it--that the ship reached a point of, er, excitement, which caused it to leap into hyperspace. The subtext isn't, um, very sub.
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padawanlissa
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date Posted: Jun 29, 2005 3:39 PM
The Young Jedi Knights are good!
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≈Suzanne≈
Not many Bothans died to bring us this Blog...
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date Posted: Jun 30, 2005 9:00 PM
LOL. This list is fabulous ... I agree entirely with the first 8 and the only reason I don't comment on the last two is that I haven't read them (yet?).
And no-one could possibly say that I'm anti-EU although I have been told that someone was "disappointed" in me for being specist.
Another great blog, DS. Keep 'em coming. 
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Valin Kenobi
Stars To Fill My Dream
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date Posted: Jul 10, 2005 8:25 PM
You're right, Bria is the mother of all Mary Sues, but I think the character was well-written and I found myself really empathizing with her.
Incidentally Suzanne, the HST are three of my favorite EU novels. I'd recommend them, but I guess in a lot of people's opinions my taste is questionable....
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Valin Kenobi
Stars To Fill My Dream
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date Posted: Jul 10, 2005 8:29 PM
BLOB RACES...
Hey, I thought those were cool.
I only got through the NJO by skipping 99% of the Vong bits, though.
The opposite of me, then. I like the Vong sections far more than the (for lack of a better word) "human" portions.
I enjoy the novel (no pun intended) biotech critters and the exploration into this barbaric alien culture that resembles an extreme version of some Earthly societies. If I may be permitted to wax verbose for a minute, these portions are the highlights between interminable stretches of hormonal teeny angst, b!tchy Jaina, emasculated Luke, [insert colorful expletives of choice] Mara.....
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Valin Kenobi
Stars To Fill My Dream
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date Posted: Jul 10, 2005 8:31 PM
And no-one could possibly say that I'm anti-EU although I have been told that someone was "disappointed" in me for being specist.
Details! I must have details!
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Dark Spork
Sporktastic Voyage
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date Posted: Jul 11, 2005 9:33 AM
Bipolar Mara? One moment ##### of hell, the next minute ##### wifey wife? Yeah. Can't say that was a high point, but at least I'm somewhat interested in what happens to Luke & Mara. (Jacen and Jaina, not so much; thanks, KJA!)
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Dark Spork
Sporktastic Voyage
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date Posted: Jul 11, 2005 9:34 AM
(continued)
No, I found the Vong to be... well... BORING. Most of the EU villians are boring, but the issue with the Vong is that they wouldn't go away and we kept having deal with it book after book. The only Vong bits I could actually read was Keyes, because I could actually get behind what's-her-name-the-Shaper's motivations. The rest? If I wanted to read about religious fanatics bent on world domination, I'd have picked up the Left Behind series long since.
I basically just wanted the series to move on, not be stuck in Vong limbo for five years. The Bantam era had many faults, but at least it had turnover.
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Jorus C'baoth 2882
The Jedi Praxeum of Ossus
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date Posted: Jul 29, 2005 2:54 PM
I was literally reaching for a spork after I read The Crystal Star, my God can you get any worse?! Good list, Spork. I thought the same thing about the Luke/Mara corny love language.
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Darthvegeta800000
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date Posted: Sep 20, 2005 12:07 PM
I loved this article. I had to agree with a lot of stuff here.
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Jedi Jekkie
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date Posted: Sep 20, 2005 2:57 PM
For me, the NJO just...doesn't feel like Star Wars. Yeah, it's got Luke, Han, and Leia, but so much has happened and so much has changed that it feels like an entirely different universe. Too dark and dreary.
I missed the "stroking of the tentacles"...maybe it's 'cause I wasn't paying attention...ahem.
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jediknight2210
Where did you dig up that old fossil?
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date Posted: Sep 29, 2005 5:27 PM
Please don't diss the Young Jedi Knights series. I know the jokes are bad, but they are supposed to be corny. Also, without that series I wouldn't have become a Star Wars fan.
Same here, I love that series soo much
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Sunnyskywalker
Sunnyskywalker's Star Wars Stuff
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date Posted: Apr 11, 2006 11:01 AM
Bria. Toddler Jedi. Spores. You are giving me traumatic flashbacks. The first EU books I ever read were the Crystal Star and a YJA book. I was 10 and stuck with the EU anyway for many years. The NJO killed most of the EU fan in me only a couple of books in, which was quite an accomplishment. I wanted to love it so much.
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Sunnyskywalker
Sunnyskywalker's Star Wars Stuff
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date Posted: Apr 11, 2006 11:02 AM
I'd like to add Prince Space Fabio Isolder Moron Stu to the list. "Gee, my mom hates pacifists, is letting me propose to an Alderaanian, and now someone is trying to assassinate the princess. Who could it be?" That book also has Idiot!Han, Amazon witches, the Gun of Command (who needs that silly Jedi Mind Trick?), Holier-Than-Thou!Luke, mystic communion with lizards, and Singing!Threepio. I hope Dave Wolverton and KJA never think to collaborate on anything...
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