My life has taken an unexpected turn in the love department and I can't help but relate it to Star Wars, my favorite coping method. Hopefully I can gain some perspective on my experiences with women by relating it back to square one, the GFFA (this usually works for other areas of my life, why not matters of the heart?).

There's really only direction that this post can go, and that's an attempt to relate the love life of Luke Skywalker's to that of a common fanboy in the hopes that we can learn something from the Jedi Grand Master.

Shira Brie/ Lumiya: Shira's that girl you'd rather forget. In fact, the time when you knew her is almost like a bizarrely forgotten issue of the Marvel Star Wars comic run from the 70's! She knows your father a little to well and after a long period of time (during which you believe her to be dead) she might reappear and start cavorting with your nephew. You suspected that Shira was hiding something but don't find out the true story for years. Jerry Springer might send you an invitation to appear on his show along with the Lumiya in your life.

Lesson learned: If you meet this chick, don't ask your dad for advice. Instead, kill her now and save yourself the trouble.

Geariel You met Geariel Capiston at a party or during a diplomatic mission and she didn't really like you at first either because you're a Catholic, Jewish or a Jedi. Despite all her religious beliefs, this chick really digs you and kisses you at the end of a heroic space battle or when that kick butt party starts to wrap up. However, her father has bigger plans for her and wouldn't let her leave the house when you asked her to go on a road trip. You suspect that daddy doesn't like you and thinks you'll ruin his daughter's political career. Your realized that there was something a bit weird with the Geariel in your life and decided to look elsewhere for love. 12 years later you might ask her to a party in the Correlian sector.

Lesson learned: Don't take that one kiss to seriously, she's probably a daddy's girl.

Callista Callista Ming is like that bizarre girl you met online. She seemed cool and even claimed to have Force abilities while you were chatting through a spaceship computer terminal or AIM. But then you meet up in person, maybe at a local coffee shop or on the Eye of Palpatine as it goes down in flames. Either way she didn't live up to your expectations and despite the chemistry she exhibited with you when she was still trapped in a computer, the sparks don't fly. The Callista in your life has zero Force abilities unless you get her angry, but your not into kinky stuff. You tried to be friends but it got to weird.

Lesson learned: trying to be friends never works. You'll probably just end up pushing each other over to the dark side

Mara Mara Jade is that girl who tried to kill you when you were kids. She was probably pretty sneaky about it, too. Pushed you too hard on the swing set. Maybe loosened your training wheels on your bike before you were ready. She would even go as far as to dress up as an exotic dancer to make sure you fall down that sarlaac pit. All in all, Mara's actually a nice girl. A little rough around the edges but when she got out of that bizarre and harmful parenting situation her attitude really calmed down. You and Mara maybe hung out a couple time and she possibly picked you up when your car broke down. Unfortunately, you only got to see each other sparingly because you went off to college or founded a Jedi school. After awhile you realized you and the Mara of your life were made for each other. You and this chick live happily for awhile, but alas all good things must come to an end.

Lesson learned: Don't forget the people from your past, they might be the one. Also, if you have a brother or sister keep a close eye on their kids!

Wow, so there really were some nuggets of truth within the warped and tragic love life of Luke Skywalker! I think I'll go home and rethink my life.