Hello, my little green friends!

You're probably wondering about the sudden and drastic change in my appearance, so that's where I'll begin. The present condition of my face is my reward for dueling one of the most powerful Jedi in the Universe. My own force-lightning was deflected back at me, leaving me scarred and deformed. If you think I look bad, imagine what Mace looks like: his body, fried by force-lightning, battered by terminal velocity, and splattered on the pavement which inevitably broke his fall, leaving him the way I like to leave all my adversaries: broken, bruised, bloodied, and deader than dead.

My new apprentice has taken care of the temple Jedi and the Separatists. Ah, yes, my new apprentice, Skywalker (now known as Lord Vader): the one I've been trying to recruit all along; much better than Darth Tyranus, whom Anakin destroyed, much to my delight! First he gained the advantage over Dooku by chopping off his hands, then I ordered him to kill! Anakin hesitated for a bit before beheading him. This, of course, was inevitable. Ever since he told me about his rampage among the sand-people, I KNEW I could use his anger to my advantage.

He's even stronger than my other apprentice, Darth Maul, who vanquished Qui-Gon Jinn. I was so heartbroken to hear that Lord Maul was killed by Jedi Master Obi Wan Kenobi......or not.

Speaking of Obi Wan, he and Lord Vader got into a bit of scrimmage recently. By the time I arrived, Vader was lying recumbent on the banks of a lava pit, completely devoid of limbs. I pulled him out of the oven just in time, for he had baked to a nice, deep, golden-brown.

Galactic Chopper and FX-9, my trusty medical droids, stabilized the damage which had been done to Vader's organs, and outfitted him rather nicely with prosthetic limbs and a life-sustaining system.

After Vader's surgery, I gleefully mentioned that he'd killed the only woman he'd ever been in love with, and I can sense that despite being ravaged physically, his rage had remained unscathed. When Vader is wrathful, the force is so STRONG with him! He broke loose from the bonds which held him to the operating table, and screamed: "NOOOOOOOOO!!!" It would've been funny if it weren't so pathetic.





What the heck, I'll laugh anyway: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

*force-lightning kisses*
-Darth Sidious