I think that as men get older, they have an inate drive to collect larger and larger bundles of keys, and attach many a foreign object to the key rings in the interest of keeping them all together. Faster access, ease of location... it's all right there, you see.

Boat key, house key, car keys, safe keys, foosball table keys, whistle, pocket knife, compass, defibrulator, electron microscope, office keys, bottle opener, can opener...

Your key chain becomes this amalgam of the many branches of ownership and responsibility in your life. It is for me, in fact, a Swiss Army Moose.

So I decided that I wasn't doing the legacy of George Costanza any justice without trying to fit one more thing on my key ring. Therefore, I procured what I felt to be the coolest thing ever for a near-40 balding male. I bought a wallet...get this...that has a key chain on it.

You heard right.

A Wallet..WITH a KEYCHAIN. Everything. Right there. Boom.

Not to mention it makes this ever-so-attractive bulge in your pocket. If you want to go for the bonus, you can hang your keys on the outside of your pocket to complete that School Janitor "Ye Gull dern Kids Always a-flushing the wrong stuff down the ding dang toilets" accesorized look.

Man, I was stylin. Talk about hot - when I walked, everyone saw me coming...forget that, everyone heard me coming, because I had spurs that jingle-jangle-jingled...

The obvious benefits to attaching one's wallet to one's keychain came crashing down last week, however. In an instant, my dreams of complete attachment to all things was shattered. Now, I don't know what to do..

I was tired, I came home, uncoiled my handy Keychain-Wallet-Gadget-Matrix-Device and unlocked my door, stumbled in, made dinner, and later passed out in blissful awareness that I was connected to all things...there...between the car and the boat....between my Post Office Box and my nailclippers...yes, even between my Star Wars keyfob and my wallet....a luminous creature was I, surrounded, bound to the Force in interconnected detachable ringlets...

Until I awoke the next morning, threw open my door to meet a brand new day of being One with My Life, and found this note.

"You left your keys in your door. And your wallet is attached to your keys. I noticed you had some cash and credit cards so I put them under your mat. You know you really shouldn't leave your wallet attached to your keys like that."

DM out