Whew...


Hold on, lemme get my bearings here.

I just watched Star Wars: The Clone Wars last night and subsequently experienced a little irritable bowel syndrome until this morning. The fitful sleep and nightmares have passed, so I might just be able to upload rather than download. Working tentatively on some dry toast as I type.

First, let me just say that this movie is just fine. Yessir - It has laughs and new creatures and new locales and excitement. It has all the characters we know and love, and we get to see them in a brand new format. The animation was top-notch (some voice-overs not withstanding) and it adhered closely with the Star Wars brand. Yes, I'm saying this flick did not suck.

Which would all be great if they had not offered it as a...you know....Star Wars movie. Nope, it's a 2 hour special. Remember the last time LFL put out a "Special"? So I went into this knowing Lucasfilm had gone off the rails before and recovered nicely. It's just that this one represents some basic marketing mistakes that shake my confidence.

I promised myself I wouldn't launch into some sort of armchair marketing quarterback rant, so I won't. Whoever made those decisions is undoubtedly more qualified, although it goes without saying that the consensus of qualified folks doesn't guarantee the right decisions.

Many folks, even those that liked it, found something to grind their teeth about in this movie. As for me, it was the mind-numbing, puerile dialog. Ack. That along with the strained attempt at forging some sort of chemistry between Anakin and Ashoka. Let's forgo for the moment the argument that Anakin is too inexperienced to have a padawan. I'm talking about how completely flat the interaction is between this troubled soul and this wide-eyed youngling. I read an article recently in which some more professional critic than I actually thought there was too much chemistry between Anakin and Ashoka, ala Outer Rim Lolita. I don't know which movie that guy was watching, but someone should check his hard drive.

Nope - quite the contrary - there's more chemistry going on in that cottage chese in the back of my fridge. In fact, to give the illusion of chemistry, they had to shoehorn in pet names for each other. A sure sign of a relationship going nowhere. They've turned this duo into that annoying couple that you don't want to go to dinner with. You know, the uptown doorknobs that pull a groin to prove how much they get along and how much fun they are. And they call each other things like "Moonpie" and "Love Skittles" or some such nonsense. I hate those people. But to make it worse, you have zero foundation for any affinity or sense of intimate bond between Anakin and Ashoka.

"Snips"?

"Sky-Guy"?...

Ack.

"Artoo...ee?"

Double ack.

Nevermind how goofy it is to give a nickname a supplementary nickname. "Artoo" was already abbreviated. Now we're running around adding a syllable to his previous pet name to extry-pettify his already pettableness. R2-E? It's a whole 'nuther designation. If I were Artoo I'd be downright offended.

But "Snips", which was born out of a demand from Anakin to Ashoka not to be so "Snippy", is just a little more than annoying. Anakin is how old at this point? Mid-twenties? My grandmother told me not to be so snippy, and it didn't work then either. So now Anakin punctuates every scene by calling his junior partner "Snips", presumably to remind her of that zinger at the beginning of the movie. ..So...Anakin basically sucks as a mentor.

And her return-to-sender barb is to call our beloved Vader in waiting "Sky-Guy". Which, boy howdy, really cheeses Anakin off.

I actually found myself wanting Anakin to snap and go dark prematurely. Just a little force-choke. No one will see. Obi-Wan's waaay over there, go ahead, you know you want to.

But then, folks, I wised up. Whatever I found annoying about this movie was not the forced bonds of friendship nor crappy dialog. It was that I, Dark Moose, aged dern-near 40, was not the target audience. This is a cartoon - a kid's show. And as such, it did its job well.

But...why then the inexplicable "Damn" in the middle of the dialog? Why is Obi-Wan a potty mouth for the kiddies? I just get comfortable in the middle of not getting this movie, and subsequently understanding why, when Obi-Wan starts talking about how "damned hard" it's going to be to smack the droid army. Mind you, I curse all damn day and night, curse like a real motherscooter, actually. But what the hell is Obi-Wan using damn curse words in the middle of a damned kid's movie for? Damned fool.

I'm coming around full circle and I'm going to tell you something that may sound completely counterintuitive, but it's true. This movie was not bad, nor was it an artistic disaster. What this amounts to is a venue disaster. It's a marketing blunder. Had they released it on Cartoon Network as a 2 hour special to kick off the CW Television series, it would have done really well. OR - had they pointedly marketed this as a theater release to kids , it would have done really well. Why? Because it would have been brave enough to pick an audience, not vaguely throw it out to all of fandom to see where it sticks. It would have been for kids, without deviation, without disappointment. It might have even received pretty decent ratings and reviews. And adults might have even tuned in, but they would not have been disappointed because the venue would have made it clear what it was. Clone Wars and Peace this ain't. A great kid's cartoon it is.

Ok so I'm going to allow myself this one marketing armchair QB comment: Rule #1 in LucasfilmLand - don't stand crap up to the movies. The movies have a special place in history. They are revered, hated, feared, loved, all at the same time by the fans. So releasing "Episode 2.5" is going to get hammered by the fans. Hell, it's going to get hammered by non-fans. It's a Star Wars movie. It's like being the Dallas Cowboys - if you're not winning a Superbowl, everyone is going to love hating your guts, and doubly so if you do win a Superbowl.

Here's a little something telling - my friend, who loves Star Wars (but participates in no online boards, no clubs, reads no EU, collects nothing, wears no costumes, etc etc. - in short, what I term a real live pure Star Wars fan out in the wild that has none of the goofy trappings of our brand of "Fandom") takes his family to see Star Wars: The Clone Wars. His 5 year old son LOVES it. I rest my case. His seven year old daughter, who is not into Star Wars in the least and only knows of it from her little brother's enthusiasm for it, turns and asks the question of the day:

"What's Anakin doing with an apprentice? He's not supposed to have an apprentice - he's not even a master."

Seven year old girl from Dallas, Texas figured that one out. I rest my case again.

I'm still going to watch the upcoming TV series, and I have a lot of excitement for it. I actually want to find out what happens to "Snips" and "Sky-Guy", despite the dubious nicknames. But please, folks...have a meeting first? Straight up - you're kinda barking up the wrong bantha. ee?

DM out

PS-

If you are over the age of 35 and suffering from a little discomfort after watching this movie, I highly recommend this antidote: Watch 5 minutes of the 1989 hit Tango and Cash, an excellent example of a movie made for adults but written for 5-year-olds. I think you'll find watching T&C is the equivalent of making fists in the carpet with your toes.