Obi-wan must have kicked around a lot of ideas on paper on how to deliver the news that a certain relative was a vile mass-murdering half mechanical agent of pure evil before deciding on a more elegant, civilized point of view...



"You know that saying about a 'chip off the old block' and 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree'...because, you know those are just figures of speech.."

(crumple)

"Say, what if I told you that your old man sort of had this wild side...?"

(crumple)

"Ok, first, it wasn't entirely my fault, but..."

(crumple)

"Yousa mightsa be sayin there was one or twoie little bitty accidentees.."

(crumple)

"Ok, Good News, your father is still alive...Bad news, your father is still alive.."

(crumple)

"...And when I say "spice freighter pilot", I of course mean "Dark Sith Lord bent on total domination"...

(crumple)

"Let's play a game of charades, 5 words, and I'll give you a hint, 3 of the words are 'Father' 'Your' and 'Darth'..."

(crumple)

"Tell you what, if you don't freak out about what I'm going to tell you, I'll give you a cool lightsaber and a twin sister..."

(crumple)

"Did I ever tell you about the legend of Darth Vader the Not-So-Wise?..."

(crumple)

"There's a saying you can't pick your family, but you can pick your nose.."

(crumple)

"Ok, if you ever meet this girl named Leia, do not, do NOT kiss her..."

(crumple)

"So here's the thing - you're Dad is a homicidal Dark Side maniac who tried to strangle your mom and is now one of the most vile and hated men in the Galaxy. Here, have a cookie."

(crumple)

"I won't sugar coat it, your dad had a little bit of a temper..."

(crumple)

"...he was a cunning warrior, and a good friend [note to self: place hand over mouth] mmrphl-mumble-andnowhe'sDarthVader-mmphlrl-mumble..."

(crumple)

"You have any black clothes? Cuz...your father..likes black..."

(crumple)

"Your father is....um...Yoda. Yeah. Yoda's really your dad. Darth Vader owes him a lot of money, too..."

(crumple)

"..Before the dark times...before I sort of chopped off your dad's legs.."

(crumple)

"...Ok, so you know how Batman was actually Bruce Wayne, but...not..?"

(crumple)

"...I think it's time we had a little talk about the birds and the bees, Luke. [note to self: produce helpful diagram] Now, when a Sith Lord really loves your mommy and they decide to have a baby..."

(crumple)

"...A Sith Lord named Darth Vader betrayed and murdered....himself...."

(crumple)

"..So then folks said 'Anni, move away from there! Coruscant is the place you otta be' so they loaded up his stuff and moved from Tatooine...to the Core Systems that is....swimmin pools...movie stars..."

(crumple)

"Luke, you're going to learn that a lot of the truths we cling to are part of an elaborate 20 year old cover-up...."

(crumple)

"Your dad is Darth Vader. But your mom was totally smokin' hot."

(crumple)

(toss match in waste basket)