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Moose Poodoo
date posted: Sep 27, 2005 2:08 PM  |  updated: Sep 29, 2005 1:15 PM
Darth Vader: Big Freakin' Electronic Jerk
Can I just say what a jerk Darth Vader is in Battlefront?

Seriously.

You start out on the many different levels he frequents, and when cued by the ominous "Darth Vader has entered the battlefield!", you're thinking:

"eh - it's Darth Vader - I'm just a Rebel grunt. I mean, what are the odds I'm going to run into Darth Vader, anyway? It's not like he doesn't have more important things to do.."

Ever have that boss that comes in from out of town - the regional director or CIO or Chief Auditor or whatever - and everyone's dialed up to 9.5 on the Spazometer? And you know all you have to do is skulk in your cubicle, stay out of everyone's way, do your job and you won't be in some sort of snap productivity inspection or some such trauma? Or ever have that certain teacher in a huge class that's way too hard on your brain, so you just kinda pick that seat that's halfway up, halfway back, halfway this side of oblivion and make a point of looking like you're vigorously taking notes when really all you're trying to do is become one with your innocuous Target backpack?

And then, for some reason, all their laser pointers are trained on your forehead? And you've got to either produce a totally badass marketing report or do a backwards quadratic equation in base 6 or something?

Well I mean GEEZ, Darth Vader. There are generals and admirals and all sorts of Rebel heros and scum and the like. They're out there on the battlefield plotting ways to take down your AT-AT's, strategizing ways to take your command posts. Why aren't you out there terrorizing them, Mister "I'm more evil than thou?"

But neeeeeuuuoo...You've gotta hang out at MY spawn point, on MY boring little end of the battle, where absolutely NOooo one is doing anything important. It's just me and a Wookiee and like maybe a couple of weakling snipers, cold kickin' it, hanging out with the Gonk 'droid, just waiting to see if we need to fire a couple of lazy salvos at the odd speeder bike that strays too close. We're not doin' nuttin, man.

You look any direction and you can see waaaaayy down range all sorts of huge fireballs. And you're here. What? What!? Whadyawant?! Oh I can tell you want you want, you want to set about dissecting everything with you're stooopid lightsaber. You even whacked Gonk. He's a box, man. Let it go.

And then what's the point of hacking me down, letting me respawn and standing next to the friggin' command post so you can hack me down again!? I'm still disoriented, I'm turning around to try to find out where the hell I am and you're all "poooo-hah...poooo-hah - voom voom, slash slash" - I don't think I even got a chance to take my first breath and you've cuisinarted my legs off. What is up, dood? I'm all "hey, look, a grey ewok" Smack!

And then you actually start chasing people. Chasing ME? Look - over there - there's like a whole batallion of Stormies that need some direction. And you're chasing me through the damn ferns.

So I hope you don't take it wrong when I hi-jack the first AT-AT I can get my grubby little Rebel hooves on and start game-stalking you. Yeah. Take that. Aww.. did widdle Vadums fall down on his tooky? Did hims get bwasted in the de air by the mean laser cannons? Yeah. Take it, you little Sith-weezer. Bet you wish you could die now, huh?

Jerk.

  vadervuddy2
laugh it up fuzzball
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 2:14 PM
i totally agree w/ you. its like he is out to get you personally.
But you can kill him if you run over him w/ a speeder bike that is going at full-speed.
The Dark Moose
Moose Poodoo
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 2:19 PM
But you can kill him if you run over him w/ a speeder bike that is going at full-speed.

Thank you. Thank you so much. I really mean it. You don't know what this information means to me. Seriously - thank you.

Now...I just have to glue my Battlefront disc back together...
  Lord Darkleaf
Tales from the Spice Mines
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 2:24 PM
Its funny because its true. And where is Commander Skywalker during all this? He's in the base hunting for Jalapeno Pringles and watching Everybody Loves Watto on the bigscreen.
  TIE hunter exrordinair 2
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 2:34 PM
I can totally relate to this. Those jedi think they're all high and mighty. I see 20 or so lasers flying at him and not one hits. And even when I'm in a huge fricken AT AT I shoot Luke and the little basterd blocks both of my huge frigen death beams and send em right back at me! However I have been able to kill a few using unorthodox methods such as landing a ship on them or blasting em off a cliff. Heck once Darth Vader actually walked off a platform on bespin all on his own. They maybe invincible, but they are one sandwich short of a picnic.
The Dark Moose
Moose Poodoo
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 2:37 PM
And where is Commander Skywalker during all this?

Totally! You might see him for like 3 seconds, and where is he when the Boogie Man shows up? Gone, man. The one person qualified to take on Vader and he's a tiny green dash on the horizon somewhere. I've even seen them pass each other - they're all "sup Dad." - "sup Son"... and Luke just ignores your screams as Darth whacks yer head off.
  Graffiti
Somewhere on the Other Side of Mos Eisley
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 2:45 PM
I totally feel for you. Vader is always chasing me down. Then, whenever Luke Skywalker shows up, he never does anything. Sure, he might cut down a stormtrooper here or there that goes out of their way to engage him, but he never follows me to any command posts I need help taking. Usually, he's just standing in some corner away from the battle like he's on his lunch break.
  Lord Darkleaf
Tales from the Spice Mines
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 2:48 PM
Totally! You might see him for like 3 seconds, and where is he when the Boogie Man shows up? Gone, man.

Oh indeed! I learned early on that its a bad idea to follow your Jedi hero anywhere. Especially when they rush by the other villain. Follow Mace Windu on Geonosis? Oh yeah, awesome, until the Droidekas show up and turn you into a Clone Corpse...and what happens to Windu? Oh thats right, he ignores you and heads to the Geonosian War room just standing there near an FX-7 Med droid...

"Whats up Mace?" but your question has to go unanswered once more as you're struck down by a lowly rogue battle droid...while Mace once again takes off and the droid gives the CIS the spire.
The Dark Moose
Moose Poodoo
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 2:49 PM
Sure, he might cut down a stormtrooper here or there that goes out of their way to engage him, but he never follows me to any command posts I need help taking.

I can't tell you how many times I've seen him take out a Stormie I was aiming at (that was totally my kill, dood) and then I'm saying "Ok...this way....over here...yo! Jedi! Where are you going?..." And that's about the time I hear the "poooo-hah....poooo-hah..."
bonniegrrl
Droids Just Wanna Have Fun
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 2:55 PM
You look any direction and you can see waaaaayy down range all sorts of huge fireballs. And you're here. What? What!? Whadyawant?! Oh I can tell you want you want, you want to set about dissecting everything with you're stooopid lightsaber. You even whacked Gonk. He's a box, man. Let it go.

bahahahahahahaha!
you just made my week.
Thanks I needed a laugh!
  Graffiti
Somewhere on the Other Side of Mos Eisley
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 3:01 PM
This reminds me of my absolute favorite moment of computer controlled stupidity. On one very close game, I was trying to take as many bases as possible when I ran into one of my own men (an Imperial pilot) just feet away from one base but not close enough to take it. I kept ordering him to follow me, but he wouldn't move, and I had to take the base by myself while fighting off the occasional rebel that would show up. Not only would the pilot not cover me, but he stood there pointed away from the action shooting grenades at the ground. He was actually shooting at the ground!
  cd999
Yoda...can he shoot thunder?
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 3:03 PM
huh huh i`m Luke oh look you are dying oooooooooo look a cliff HE HE
  jedimastermann
jedimastermann blogs
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 3:03 PM
BUHAHAHHAHHAHAH that was istarical..but true where the hell are u going dude the fights this way and the other thing is u can hit a jedi with a rocket in the tank but u cant shoot im down with a rocketlancher but u can take him out with a councousin gernade????do u belive this or what. And whats really stupid is that they die when there team get down 2 20 reenfocements???WHATS UP WITH THAT
  jedimastermann
jedimastermann blogs
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 3:04 PM
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 3:01 PM
This reminds me of my absolute favorite moment of computer controlled stupidity. On one very close game, I was trying to take as many bases as possible when I ran into one of my own men (an Imperial pilot) just feet away from one base but not close enough to take it. I kept ordering him to follow me, but he wouldn't move, and I had to take the base by myself while fighting off the occasional rebel that would show up. Not only would the pilot not cover me, but he stood there pointed away from the action shooting grenades at the ground. He was actually shooting at the ground!

HAHAHAHAHA
The Dark Moose
Moose Poodoo
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 3:12 PM
He was actually shooting at the ground!

Yep - for those of you old enough to remember Steve Martin in "The Jerk", the line "He hates these cans!!" comes to mind... :0)
The Dark Moose
Moose Poodoo
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 3:15 PM
you just made my week.
Thanks I needed a laugh!


It's what I do. :0)
RyanKaufman
Look, sir! Zombies!
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 3:20 PM
You even whacked Gonk. He's a box, man. Let it go.

Don't let the Gonk fool you. This dude is a criminal mastermind. He's like Kaiser Soze. Sure... you feel sorry for "Verbal" Gonk because he can't talk, and he walks like a Jawa with a load in his shorts-- but now he's got you right where he wants you.

Luckily, Vader sees through that little act, and is the only man with the electronic cajones to DO something about it.
webjedi
Rated "T" for Teen
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 3:22 PM
I'm still disoriented, I'm turning around to try to find out where the hell I am and you're all "poooo-hah...poooo-hah - voom voom, slash slash"

HA! Very funny... :)
  Ki-Adi-Andy
A Tremor In The Force....
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 3:25 PM
Oh, it would be so awesome if Vader and Luke somehow got into a duel in battlefront! but wouldn't it be weird if Vader was at endor during the final part of the battle of endor when the bunker is destroyed? That would be bad, I tell you. In Bespin I find that bombarding Vader with grenades and missles will blow him out the window.:^O. It is so funny! I killed him 5 times in one battle once! he doesn't seem to be very smart in Battlefront, just mean and strong. I agree with you there.
The Dark Moose
Moose Poodoo
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 3:35 PM
Don't let the Gonk fool you. This dude is a criminal mastermind.

That's just another example of the Man keepin' the Gonk down, man. :0)
  Yoda12001
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 4:04 PM
OK first of all no offence but the onlyreason oyu guys are whining is because you suck at battlefront kids are way better at it cause I am one another thing those jedi are easy to beat an dI gotta do something I'll be back to explain more on why adults suck at battlefront
The Dark Moose
Moose Poodoo
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 4:10 PM
OK first of all no offence but the onlyreason oyu guys are whining is because you suck at battlefront

Oh great, not only does Vader want to remind me I suck, now I'm old, and suck. What's next, Yoda pops in to tell me my hairline is receeding?

Let's just rename it "Low Self-Esteem Arena of Death" - play any neurosis, in any situation, and suck as much as you can, whether you want to or not.

Why do I feel like I just got bushwhacked at the re-spawn station again??! ggaarghh!
  TIE hunter exrordinair 2
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 4:11 PM
I remember another time on tatooine I was in a rebel speeder totally bombarding stormstrooper @$$. Eventually my health drops to a sliver but luckily all the stormies were dead, but then old Vader shows up. I start shootin at him, he blocks the lasers and sends them into my own troops. Then all of a sudden he raises is glowing death beam and swoosh, my vehicle blows up and I'm lying on the ground dead next to my cp-pilot! (also dead)
The Dark Moose
Moose Poodoo
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 4:17 PM
You would think that common 'hood rules would apply - as long as you stay in your vehicle you're safe. But not so with Vader and his technicolor killstick.
The Broox
I Have Ideas In My Head
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 4:29 PM
Don't let the Gonk fool you. This dude is a criminal mastermind. He's like Kaiser Soze. Sure... you feel sorry for "Verbal" Gonk because he can't talk, and he walks like a Jawa with a load in his shorts-- but now he's got you right where he wants you.



LMAO

This Blog/Comments is the best thing I have seen all week
  Yoda12001
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 4:53 PM
no moose dude you are taking it the wrong way that was my stupid cusin talking not me I said that the only reason he complains is because he stinks at it I had trouble with the jedi too
The Dark Moose
Moose Poodoo
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 5:15 PM
I'm playin, ain't no thang. sheesh. But I bet I do my 1040A itemized deductions better than your cousin. So there. tell him "take that. nyah." or not.
  Yoda12001
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 5:38 PM
accually I played him in battlefront and I killed him 10 times
  Yoda12001
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 5:40 PM
accually I think if I said that to you it would be that every person I played at episodeIII revenge of the sith stink compared to me but I have never played the world
  Master_Kenobi17
Takin Over For Talon
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 5:41 PM
I'm playin, ain't no thang. sheesh. But I bet I do my 1040A itemized deductions better than your cousin. So there. tell him "take that. nyah." or not.

The humor is lost on un-taxable minors...
  commanderaetius
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 6:15 PM
vader doesn't bother me much it seems to be dooku for me. once on the bespin cloud city level he just seemed to go back and forth down this one long hallway. I thing i unloaded a clip into him yelling go away before he finally killed me, again and again and again. But i was stupid for spawning where he was i just wanted to kill him which i did eventually but he kept coming back
  shatterpoint282
''This Party's Over ''
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 6:23 PM
LOL ! That was awesome.OK first of all no offence but the onlyreason oyu guys are whining is because you suck at battlefront

Oh great, not only does Vader want to remind me I suck, now I'm old, and suck. What's next, Yoda pops in to tell me my hairline is receeding?

Let's just rename it "Low Self-Esteem Arena of Death" - play any neurosis, in any situation, and suck as much as you can, whether you want to or not.

Why do I feel like I just got bushwhacked at the re-spawn station again??! ggaarghh!

O , the laughter.:^O
  shatterpoint282
''This Party's Over ''
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 6:28 PM
That was a hilarious blog , Darkmoose.The title made this blog look interesting and I clicked , man did that make my day , lol.
The Dark Moose
Moose Poodoo
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 6:29 PM
vader doesn't bother me much it seems to be dooku for me

Count Dooku. You're right - whereas Vader is a murderous bully, Dooku actually seems to enjoy being an outright pest. He keeps getting into these staring contests with me. You don't dare move or he starts chasing you again.

Now there's a guy that's old and sucks. He has interfered with my gameplay affairs for the last time...
  TIE hunter exrordinair 2
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 8:20 PM
My worst has to be Luke. That stupid farmboy has killed me far too many times to be tolerated! There I was in my behemoth AT-AT, storming Hoth and crushing the pathetic Rebels in my path. Then old farmboy Luke comes skipping along the battlefield cutting down my forces. I move the crosshairs on him and fire the most powerful lasers in the game on him, and what does he do? Sends them right back at me! I try to flee my doomed tank but it was too late, my own lasers hit me and I exploded. CURSE YOU SKYWALKER!!!!!!!!!
  TIE hunter exrordinair 2
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 8:26 PM
And another thing is the costume he has on snow levels. He looks like a rebel pilot! I'm a stormtrooper blasting every thing that moves. Life is good and the kills are only getting higher. Then I see a so called "pilot" coming and think 'what a moron, this'll be easy.' So I empty 5 shots at him, wait, he isn't dying, oh well, launch a few more lasers, still not dead, thats weird, do is once more, one of my lasers hits me, then I realize OH SH*T THATS NOT A PILOT THATS LUKE SKYWA- then before I can finish my heads mounted on the wall at the Owen's farm.
The Dark Moose
Moose Poodoo
date Posted: Sep 27, 2005 11:26 PM
Well here's to hoping we get to play as Jedi in Battlefront II because I'm in serious need of some Sith-whoopin' payback, Texas style. :0)

I refuse to empty my blaster into Vader, burst into tears and run away screaming anymore. Cuz that's frowned upon in Rebel Alliance's in any galaxy.

...not that I ever did that, mind you...

  TIE hunter exrordinair 2
date Posted: Sep 28, 2005 7:41 AM
We do get to play as jedi in BF2. Also you can actually kill them using a gun, and thats plain awsome. :)
  mubos
date Posted: Sep 28, 2005 9:38 AM
also in BF2 the jedi/sith cant deflect every shot. and what was up with the deflecting rockets anyway!!
The Dark Moose
Moose Poodoo
date Posted: Sep 28, 2005 11:54 AM
and what was up with the deflecting rockets anyway!!

True dat. I think it's perfectly fair to try to blow up a relentless Sith lord with a shoulder launched rocket. Right?

After all, that's how Jango tried to take Obi-Wan out, so it's fair game. How you block a rocket with a weapon that cuts through EVERYthing...got no idea. Maybe I'll practice later with a chainsaw and see if I can block fruit thrown at me...
  Triddy Stardust
The Best Blog In The Universe
date Posted: Sep 28, 2005 12:29 PM
It doesn't matter how many bloody grenades I throw at Vader, he just keeps bloody getting back up as though he didn't notice it...and instead of exacting his sithy revenge on me, he goes and kills the rebel grunts for no reason...he must have ADD or something...
  Darth Rex0
So be it....
date Posted: Sep 28, 2005 2:35 PM
I was so glad to hear that you CAN kill the Jedi. I would always run away at any site of a Jedi and wait until it was the only one left. While the rest of my team was taking care of him I was away in another corner lying in the fetal position crying. I still have a hard time even typing it now. Did someone say Battlefront II? I'll never sleep again......
The Dark Moose
Moose Poodoo
date Posted: Sep 28, 2005 3:03 PM
It doesn't matter how many bloody grenades I throw at Vader, he just keeps bloody getting back up as though he didn't notice it.

You have to admit it's a little fun to make him flop, though.

And as a fun excercise, if you want to frustrate the mindless Dooku-bot on Geonosis, make him chase you into the Spire, jump up on the holo-table and shake your booty at him. He can't get you, so he just stands there vibrating side to side like octogenarian tuning fork.

Ha ha - Sith can't jump...
  Siilos Vast
date Posted: Sep 28, 2005 7:38 PM
Yeah I hate the Jedi Heros in Battlefront!!!! You chuck grenades, rockets, blaster bolts, and even EMP blasts, guess wat? They deflect it! Geez. Arrrrrgh!!!! I dont get it. I feel for u man.
The Dark Moose
Moose Poodoo
date Posted: Sep 28, 2005 7:39 PM
THATS LUKE SKYWA- then before I can finish my heads mounted on the wall at the Owen's farm.

Sneaky ain't he?
  jedi_warrior942
date Posted: Sep 28, 2005 8:19 PM
u guys are killing me! ha ha ha :^O
and u guys do have a point about battlefront
but i usually pick a stupid character and get myself killed purposely cause it is fun
and i was bored
  Bri-Du Pibal
date Posted: Sep 28, 2005 8:22 PM
You know? Of all the aimless blogging we have here, this is actually the most insightful thing I've read in ages. And there is even a reference to "The Jerk". Very non-Star Wars.... I love it. I haven't laughed this hard in days.

Thanks man.
  jediV-man
date Posted: Sep 28, 2005 8:42 PM
i agree, this blog was hysterical, i mean i was laughing all the way through it. just to sympathize as well, i understand the menace and stupidity shown by the jedi/sith. but i can also find that stupidity in all the ai in the game. thanks for the laughs.:^O
  obiwan122586
The Alternatives to Fighting
date Posted: Sep 28, 2005 9:51 PM

I've given up playing with Jedi. It's like they pick on you. "Oh look, fifteen troopers. I think I'll smack this pilot who's doing NOTHING."

Then, there's the times when the Jedi is on your side and he's completely worthless. There will be, like, five guys all shooting at me, and our Jedi just looks around, enjoying the scenery. Usually, after I die, he'll wander over and take a half-hearted swing at one of the bad guys. These Jedi are such slackers.

And have you ever noticed they RELOAD their lightsabers? What's up with that? Gotta replace the batteries or something?

Anyway, great blog. I'm honored to have contributed.
  obiwan122586
The Alternatives to Fighting
date Posted: Sep 28, 2005 9:59 PM
Also, I think you would be pleased to know I loved your blog so much I printed out the original entry and taped it on my dorm room door for all to see. (we play Battlefront a lot in my dorm.)

May the Force be with you, Dark Moose!
  Darth Plagueis0
date Posted: Sep 28, 2005 11:14 PM
i hate them when you are trying to take a command post and you are attacking it for half the battle- you finally take it and as you are about to gain it they walk in and claim the "command post captured" count!
argh!
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