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Moose Poodoo
date posted: Oct 11, 2005 10:00 PM  |  updated: Oct 12, 2005 10:08 AM
Live from Coruscant, it's...
With all the excited theorizing we'll have over the next couple of years, I'll add my own speculation as to the possible formats of a Star WarsTelevision Series.

Let's look at some probable outcomes given popular television today:

1) CSI: Star Wars
There's plenty of material here. The usual suspects investigate everything from Leia's repeated abductions on the Tantive IV, Bespin and Endor, C3PO and R2 alternately getting blasted apart, and why Boba Fett is suddenly from New Zealand.

2) The Biggest Nerf Herder
A heart-warming show about a group of real characters trying to win their battle with being scruffy-looking.

3) Who Wants to Win A Million Credits?
Hosted by Darth Maul, an exciting quiz show on Sith trivia, teachings, and revenge. First prize: A Million Credits. Last prize: A long drop and horrific dismemberment.

4) Survivor: Dagobah
Starring Yoda, the weekly cast of Yoda and ..well..that's about it...performs immunity tests with himself to see how long he can survive without going insane and voting himself off the planet.

5) Tatooine Idol
Jabba the Hutt, C3PO, and Salacious Crumb play hosts and judges to amateur singers, bands and dancers. First prize: Life-long employment at the fabulous Palace on Tatooine. Last prize: Yet another long drop and horrific dismemberment.

6) Darth Vader: Extreme Makeover
Darth Vader helps people achieve a whole new look by teaching them how Black is the new Black and eyebrows are so 1983.

7) Everybody Loves Palpy
A delightful half hour family sitcom about a bumbling Emperor and his enslavement of a dysfunctional galaxy.

8) Wookiee Swap
Corellian Smugglers swap Wookiees for a week and mayhem ensues as unlikely pairings causes problems, but also shows them new uses for hydrospanners. Never upset another man's Wookiee.

9) Whose Lightsaber is it, Anyway?
A troop of improv performers make hilarious impromtu hijinks using lightsabers as props. Slated for 2 weeks, depending on number of remaining cast members and/or limbs.

10) Count Dooku: The Apprentice
Tyrannus chooses teams to conduct various tasks such as inciting revolt, recruiting star systems, finding a suitable clone template and marketing an galactic war. Those who don't make the cut are dispatched with a snappy "Interfered with our affairs for the last time" tagline.

11) Fear, Anger, Hate, Suffering Factor
Mace Windu has younglings go through various disgusting trials with Mynocks and Taun-Taun entrails, all the while berating them about avoiding the darkside. Say what again, Padawan.

12) Celebrity Deathsticks: Obi-Wan vs. Sleezebaggano
Pretty much what it sounds like. In clay-mation.

13) The Days of Our Afterlives
After becoming one with the Force, Yoda, Anakin, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan take turns betraying one another, being unfaithful, and trying to figure out who everybody's real father is.

14) Regis and Shaak Ti
Daily morning program with a Jedi Master that oddly will still center largely around Regis Philbin's frustration with the Notre Dame football team

15) Clone Rules
Four Republic Commandos are given a bus and a series of targets to neutralize as they learn how to get along when everyone wants to borrow everyone else's Ambercrombie helmets and stone-washed armor.

16) So you Wanna be a Jedi?
Young Anakin performs tricks in front of the Jedi council and everyone tries desperately to talk him out of his career choice.

17) Antique Junkshow
Watto gives honest and helpful appraisals to wayward spaceport visitors about interesting bits of machinery and even offers to store large worthless objects on his property free of charge. Nobody else has a T14 Hyperdrive, he can guarantee you that.

18) Chewbacca - House of Fashion
Explore the avant garde world of pantless fashion for the walking carpet on the go.

19) Desperate Housedroids
Protocol droids on Wysteria Lane backstab each other in 6 million forms of communication.

20) Jedi Knight Live!
Christopher Walken hosts every week. Guest Band: Ash. Ok that actually wouldn't be so bad. Plus no cast members die without returning as force ghosts.

The rest of 'em..Or...not. Let's hope not. :0)