In my long evolution of fandom, which corresponds with my journey from 8 year old boy enthralled with space ships and lasers to a full-grown moose in his mid (to late) 30's, but still reasonably young at heart, I've noticed some odd behaviour creeping into my commonplace social interactions. I place this here as a clinical study, then, of a fan perhaps too far gone.


"It is too late for me, son."
-- Darth Vader

Example #1 - The Unfettered Fist Pumping:

While watching Sunday afternoon football with friends at the local beer-swilling establishment, I found myself talking to a pretty girl, and true to male form, trying to simultaneously steal glimpses of the Dallas vs. Seattle NFL game on Fox.

(They lost, but we're not discussing that. It upsets me. Nope. I mean, seriously Coach Parcells, do we have to run an offense so boring its unclear if it's in need of a better line or a code blue crash cart? Really now..ok sorry - I digress. okayokayokay. fine. We're not discussing that. Stop bringing it up)

Anyhoo...Fox, true to it's form, shows a commercial for the upcoming Episode III Revenge of the Sith DVD release during a break. While aforementioned girl is talking about..like...hair highlights or something I of course put my wings and beer down, and beginning pumping my arms alternately like a locomotive and saying something incomprehensible like "Yeah, hell yeah - Star Wars! yeah!"

Girl quickly finds another convo partner, leaving me in blissful reverie until the game starts again. A friend mumbles something to another sports fan like..."oh..that's..he likes Star Wars..just look away."

Star Wars=1. Moose=0.


"It's a trap!"
-- Admiral Ackbar

Example #2 - The Conspicuously Obscure Fan-based Joke:

While playing foosball recently, we engaged in our regularly scheduled smack-talk and witty bantha. Banter. Nevermind.

Someone notes that while I'm executing a rather fine pull-kick shot over goal he's blocked my shot by doing what's called a "bait", meaning, in soccer terms, he's left a portion of the goal open waiting for me to choose this spot to shoot upon, thereby knowing in advance where to best goaltend. Reverse psychology. Psh. Worthless against me, for my skills are complete.

Anyhoo, he points this technique out, to which I provide a pithy comeback. I'll leave it to you to figure out who's who. The exchange goes thusly:

"What are you, Admiral Ackbar?"
"Eh..what? Who's at the bar?
"You - what are you - you're all 'Admiral Ackbar"
"Is that from Star Trek?"
"Nah - you know - 'It's a trap!' Ackbar. Fish guy."
"Dude, what are you talking about. Are you driving?"
"No, ok - during the battle of Endor, Admiral-"
"Is this Star Wars?"
"Yeah! Admiral Ackbar!"
"Dude - Wow. shut up and play."

Star Wars=2. Moose=0.


"Only you would be so bold.."
--Princess Leia

Example #3 - Oddly Placed Media:

While out playing pool one day with a friend and his wife, I'm contacted by one of my many friends, wanting me to grace them with my presence, for I am a social commodity beyond belief. I am like sooo popular. I sit at the cool table in the cafeteria like all the time.

So, we're playing a quick game o' nine, and my phone rings:

"..brum bumpaduddledum a-brum bumpaduddledum a-brum bumpaduddledum...

Ba Ba Ba,
bupdee da, bupdee da.

Ba Ba BA
bupdee da, bupdee da.

BAH bupdee DAH bupdee-diddledoo.
ba-DAH, bupdee-diddledoo,
ba-DA bupdee da bupdee da...

brum bumpa-duddledum, a-brum bumpa-duddledum, a-brum bumpaduddledum...

Ba Ba Ba..."

So I pick up my totally wicked phone, ending, by all rights, the best song ever written from Bach to Fitty Cent, complete my call, and turn around to find a slack-jawed look of disbelieving concern.

"Uh...ok..is that what I think it is?"
"What?"
"Dude - was that the Imperial March on your phone."
"Yeah - like it? Cool, huh? I just got it about a month-"
"Dude."
"What?"
"You are so not going to get any girls with that on your phone."
"What? You're mental. Girls love this ***"
"Not the ones with drivers licenses."
"No, really, listen to it, here I'll play it again - it's really cool!"
"No, dude, please don't- Oh my god."
"What? What?"
"Is that..Jesus. Is that an Imperial Walker on your screen?"
"Yeah! It's cool huh! I've got Anakin's Jedi Starfighter, too.."
"Ok dude?"
"What?"
"Two things- lose the ring tone, and don't ever...EVer say the word 'starfighter' around me in public again. Alrighty then?"
"Uh..sure. My bad."

Star Wars=3. Moose=0.


"The Force is strong with this one.."
--Darth Vader

Example #4 - My driving:

While trying to merge onto a major highway here in Dallas I found myself in a long, straight feeder ramp walled on both sides with 20-foot tall concrete walls.

I accelerated to attack speed to keep the Hondas off my tail. I activated my blinker signal to see if I could lock down that stabilizer, it was coming loose again.

I cut across the lane to try to draw their fire. I was concerned the Buick flanking me was too close. I barked into my comm unit - " Loosen up!"

I heard a voice in my head as I approached my exit - "Use the Force, Moose". I switched off my cell phone, surely causing concern back at Command.

I missed my exit. Cuz..like...I wasn't paying attention.

Star Wars=4. Moose=0.


"Never tell me the odds!"
--Han Solo

Example #5 - Poor Wagering Habits

a) A while back, on a trip to one of the handy Shreveport, LA casinos, I found myself at a blackjack table. I was playing well, and I was up.

All the seats were filled, and I was 2nd base. I've got a Jack. Dealer shows a Queen. I have a seven of clubs ready to go - 17. Not a bad hand. But no. I feel a disturbance. Something is not right. I go for the hit. My buddy, sitting next to me, waves me off -

"No, he doesn't want a hit."
"Yes, I totally do."
"No, you don't."
"I feel it."
"You feel it? What?"
"Dude - the Force is with me."

This is normally when he should have said "I've got a bad feeling about this", but he screwed up and just said "Dude...whatever."

The dealer then waves me off. Shaking his head, he says "You don't want a hit, do you? Or do you want to STAY. You know.. STAY."

Try a mind trick on me, will you? Ha! Minda tricks donta work on me, only money.

"Nah, hit me."
"You're sure."
"Yep, hit me."
"3"

Dealer goes around the horn, dealer busts, I've got a twenty. And everyone down the table is staring at me with murderous rage for taking their 3. It's explained to me later, through much foul language, that Blackjack is sort of like a team sport.

So that's how you play Blackjack...woops.

Star Wars=4. Moose=1.

b) In this year's office NFL football pool, a sudden death "pick 'em", we were discussing our picks for the next week. As this process is all about misinformation, I inform others that I'm avoiding the Tampa Bay vs. Miami game.

Co-worker asks why.

"I don't like intersate games. Bad pick."
"So?"
"It doesn't feel right."
"Whayda mean it doesn't feel right. Wait. Don't answer that."
"I use the Force."
"Seriously. You're weird."

Moose=-1

Final score:

Star Wars=5. Moose=0.

That, in no way, means I'm a loser. Cuz the Force is totally with me, yo.

DM out