I don't know what I did to get under this guy's cape, but I'm seriously considering a restraining order on a fictional character.

With the exception of said Dark Lord of the Stalkers (see here), the original Battlefront was a great way to accelerate time and avoid reality. So I borrowed a copy of the sequel from a buddy of mine just to see what I could see about this here Battlefront II.

Short review - amazing new gameplay features, space environments, realistic battles, new heroes, perhaps some disappointment about missing maps, and some of the "instant action" levels for some reason lack troop units to make it challenging. Overall - Smashalistic success. If you immerse yourself in an all-out space-bound full-scale war, make it this one. I give it 4 out of 5 hooves.

Now...down to bidness. When you're playing Battlefront II, there's one rule when Darth 'Tude lopes into the room - someone gonna be dead. Usually me. Now, I know he's got a job to do, being all Sithly like he is, and I know that I'm just a Rebel bucket head. I mean, maybe the Empire isn't so bad, you know? Maybe I'm just on the wrong side. Maybe it's not him, it's me. I dunno.

But I do know this - Battlefront II has made my favorite electronic Darth Vader Bigger, Freakier, and Jerkier. He's a straight up sithhead, now. Why?

He Walks:
But not just walks, he electric glides, like some sort of Potter-esque Disco Dementor. More importantly, he's got a nitrous or something stuffed in his shorts, because he has these disturbing bursts of speed. So now, instead of just trying to stay out of his way, you have to run like a Jawa on fire all the while knowing he's going to run right over your charred and hacked carcass. Another in my long list of grievances against Helmetboy that I plan to bring up with the Intergalactic Gaming Geneva Convention.

Ya know, if he'd just say "Look, you know I'm gonna kill you. Why don't you just let my troops here take you into custody to have your mind wiped? It's easy, it's painless, and hey, you might even like it"...I'd go. No probs. I'd drop my gun faster than you can say Freedom Fries, stick em up, and even say thanks. But once again, neeeeeuuuu - Mr. "I get my kicks from Order 66" doesn't take prisoners.

Jerk.

He Talks:
As if his compulsive need to seek me out on a massive multi-level map of the Tantive IV with the intent of handing me my own arms and legs isn't enough, now he wants to sass me in the process. He doesn't say a lot, but you know, why does he have to say anything at all? Aren't you busy killing me? We have to talk about it, too?

I can imagine what Order 66 must have been like - I'm talking less about the death and more about the indiginity of it all. I imagine more than half of the Jedi that died at his hands share the same last words "Dude - either shut up or cut my ears off." This annoying propensity to be chatty whilst killing folks is obviously carried over from the films - check out any lighsaber duel with any foe. "Yeah yeah yeah...right you're the master...ok fine, yes, circle complete, cool. Can we get this over with? I've got a lunch appointment with the Force coming up..."

Anyway, long story short, now I get the sultry sounds of James Earl Jones singing all the favorites. Hits like "You're gonna die" and "Excuse me, is this your head?"

Jerk.

He Chucks:
Imagine the old Darth Vader, that used to chase you around and slice you to bits the old fashioned way - with personal attention. Thems was good old Sith days, I tells ya. He had to walk right over and stick it to you himself, and by golly, we liked it. Now this new fangled big-cityfied Darth Vader wings his lightsaber from 20 yards away.

Needless to say it's a messa fun trying to make it 3 steps away while dodging Satan's Frisbee.

Jerk.

He Stalks:
Vader and all his loony pals, including Grievous and Maul, have clearly been paid off to accost me at every turn. So how does this work? He's just boarded the Tantive IV, and he's ringing that poor Rebel officer's neck looking for the plans. But suddenly a disturbance in the Force tells him "Quickly, Private First Class and general peon Dark Moose has just respawned on the other end of the ship. It's payback time!"

Jerk.

I dunno. I don't remember picking a fight with Darth Vader's game A.I. I think I've always been polite on the countless occasions he's spanked me in two with his lightsaber. I've even tried complimenting his shiny helmet. The only bright side now is that at least he can be killed a little more easily. But now I kinda miss the days I could make him do the rocket dance.

I think I need an encounter group or some sort of crisis line to call. Darth Vader, the Big Freakin' Electronic Jerk, wants me to die painfully as many times as possible.

The boy just ain't right in the head!

DM out