Have you noticed? Lawyers are everywhere. They spout legalese at the beginnings and ends of our favorite TV shows. They counsel us regarding the use of NFL games for private use. They warn us about the uses of prescription medications. They roll back the claims of every informercial. They pop into the fine print at the bottom of car ads. They even creep into our spam. Lawyers would disclaim the uses of their own briefcases if there was any danger of a lawsuit.

I was watching a commercial for Heavy Duty Pickup Truck the other day, and miniscule 4 point font print flashed on the screen, apparently for the use of someone's Tivo, but certainly not for human eyes to easily comprehend. But I managed to catch the phrase: "...Undercarriage has been digitially altered."

??

Digitally altered to do what, exactly? Clean up any nasty mud stains? To give an other-worldy divine glow? Hide suggestive messages for our primitive brainstems to crave their transmissions?

So I started thinking about my favorite subject, Star Wars. Notice that there are no lawyers in Star Wars? Certainly, there are lawmakers, but no one walks around with a clipboard behind Grand Moff Tarkin assuring he doesn't make unwarranted claims about his Death Star. No one leans in to give sage legal advice to Palpatine as he electrocutes his underlings. There is no 800 number and general warning label on the hilt of every lightsaber. The closest thing to a lawyer in Star Wars is Threepio, advising everyone of the odds against getting out of various situations and warning Artoo of his obligations when it comes to talking to strange computers.

And so I started thinking...Star Wars...with lawyers....

VADER*: I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. (This is a closed circle with professional Jedi. Do not attempt this at home.) When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master. (Terms "learner" and "master" indicate general skills and are not intended to convey specific capabilities nor to accept liabilities for results. The rules of this ongoing conflict may be requested in writing or can be obtained in person at a registered Sith outlet. No other members of the Jedi or Sith organizations, or their immediate families, may participate in this conflict)

BEN**: Only a master of evil, Darth. (This statement is intended to provide general qualification but is not limited solely to the domain of evil nor does it imply specific certifications in other philosophical ideologies concerning morality. Your evil may vary.)

VADER*: Your powers are weak, old man. (Power levels are expressed as an overall average and may fluctuate with applied use. Power levels are measured by a third-party firm in a laboratory setting. Any notice or other communication regarding the range of power qualifications requested to be given here-under shall be in writing and shall be mailed by registered or certified mail to the party to whom it is to be given. No force sensitive beings were harmed in the making of this statement. )

BEN**: You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. (The opinions expressed by this old man are the sole property of Obi-Wan Kenobi and are not intended to reflect the opinions of the Jedi or the Old Republic, or any of its affiliates or subsidiaries, implied or expressed. Striking down can result in common side effects including fear, anger, aggression, nausea, dry mouth, hatred, suffering, headaches, an urgent and persistant need to go to the bathroom, and in some extreme cases have been linked to lava burns. Consult your physician before engaging in striking someone down.)

VADER*: You should not have come back. (You have the right to remain dead. Anything you do say may be used against you in a court of Me. You have the right to consult another dead Jedi or to have one present during your killing. If you cannot find a dead Jedi, a protocol droid will appointed for you....)


* "Vader" can be subsituted at any time and without prior notice with "Anakin Skywalker", "Darth Vader", "Darth", "Annie", or "Dark Lord of the Sith".

** "Ben" can be substituted at any time and without prior notice with "Obi-Wan Kenobi", "Old Ben Kenobi", "Obi-Wan", "the Negotiator" or "Crazy Old Wizard".


DM out

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