In my wasted youth, and part of my wasted adulthood, I participated in a tradition that spans nationality and creed for centuries - finding new names for "The Man". Sometimes, these names were deserved, sometimes they weren't. Sometimes, they were meant to be code. Sometimes, they were meant to be rude. And more often than not, they were just the product of having more hormones than brain cells.

In the 13 Colonies, us ugly Americans had crude names for folks sent to put the riff raff back in line - stuff like "Redcoats" or "Lobsterbacks", etc etc. In Cockney, efforts to hide their true topic of conversation went as far as to make slang for other slang, calling officers of the law "Cold Chill", which of course stood for "Old Bill", which...oddly, means "police officer." I'm sure as far back as caveman days, the gentry had conspiratorial references for early camp guardians when they came around. Something like "Ogg-Ogg" or "Me smell boar".

Now that I'm older I have immense respect for police officers and other types of officers, guards and soldiers that safeguard our communities. After all, I'm not out there any more trying to get away with stuff they wouldn't appreciate so much. Not to mention I've got stuff now that I rely on them to protect. Sometimes my life is one of those things, sure, but also the other more important stuff, like my Nissan and my big screen TV and my XBox.

Of course, old habits are hard to break, and to this day if I'm riding with someone who happens to be blowing through a speed trap, I'm still prone to blurt out "Rollers!" But that doesn't mean I don't appreciate their job. It just means that terminology leaps to mind faster than "I say, old chum, I think you may be exceeding the posted speed limit in front of yon motorized constable."

Waxing nostalgic on my mullet years nudged my mental mush to musing over possible names an unruly populace would dub the many hapless troopers just doing their job. You know, keeping the peace, and occasionally bashing skulls. Maybe burning down a hut, but hey, they didn't like it.

Would it be like our own slang? Colloquial gems like "Heat", "Fuzz", "Five-Oh's", "Smokey", "Fuzz", "Johnny Law", "Badge", "Suit", "Cop", "Copper", "Po-Po", "Blue Meanies", "Heavies", "Flatfoots", "Gumshoes", "Bacon", "Donut-Jockeys" etc etc etc?

Sure there were terms like "Imps", "Stormies", and whatnot. But would they have other terms of affection for the Empire's Finest?

Would they go with "Sto-Sto's"? "Trops"? Maybe whisper just within earshot "I smell Gamorrean.."?

What about "Eggmen"?

"Snoopies?" (Ok, granted, they didn't have Charles Schultz in the GFFA, but I think everyone can agree some similarities are universal.

"Cloneys"?

"Helmets?"

"Johnny-421?"

"Batch Boys?"

"5-0-1's"?

"Prom Shoes"?

"Smokey the Clone"?

"The Ice"?

"Rainman"?

"Snowflakes"?

"Units"?

"Jangos"?

We may never know. But if the GFFA is as full of disorderly conduct and youthful mischief as the real world is, you just know some punk called a trooper some ugly, and perhaps not always deserved name. Yep. Someone got called "Plastic Boy."

That being said, Kids, be nice to a copper today. They get called so many things except to say thanks. Everyone might eventually know one they didn't like, but also more than a few that saved their bacon from the fire.

DM out