Excepts from the Californian version of the ROTS script...

War!

Like, oh my gawd, like, the Republic is totally crumbling under attacks by the ruthless Sith Lord, Count Dooku! Like, there are heroes on both sides. Evil is totally everywhere.


****

62 EXT. BRIDGE-TRADE FEDERATION CRUISER

GENERAL GRIEVOUS: Crush them! Like, oh my gawd! Make them suffer!

Anakin uses the Force to yank his lightsaber out of the General's hand.

GENERAL GRIEVOUS: Like, duh!

PILOT: Like, the ship is totally breaking up!

GENERAL GRIEVOUS: We've run out of time.


****

69 EXT. CORUSCANT-SENATE OFFICE BUILDING-LANDING PLATFORM-LATE AFTERNOON

MACE WlNDU: Chancellor Palpatine, what a welcome sight! Like, oh my gawd! Are you all right?

PALPATINE: Uh huh, uh huh, right, thanks to your two Jedi Knights! Like, they hosed Count Dooku --

Mace Windu looks totally unphased by this news.

PALPATINE: (continuing) -- but General Grievous totally has escaped once again.

MACE WlNDU: General Grievous will run and hide as he always does. Like, he is so totally a coward.


****

73 INT. CORUSCANT-PADME'S APARTMENT-TWILIGHT

ANAKIN: Like, duh! You are, like, so totally beautiful fer sure!

PADME: It's only because I'm so in love . . .

ANAKIN: No, it's because I'm, like, so in love with you.

PADME: So love has totally blinded you?!

ANAKIN: Well, that's, like, not totally what I meant . . .

PADME: Gag me with a spoon, this is dialog?! George, I'm quitting.


****

76 EXT. CORUSCANT-PADME'S APARTMENT-VERANDA-NIGHT

PADME: What's bothering you?

ANAKIN: Nothing . . .

Anakin touches the japor snippet around Padme's neck, that Anakin gave her when he was like, you know, a small boy.

ANAKIN: (continuing) I remember when I gave this to you.

PADME: Anakin, how long is it totally going to take for us to be honest with each other?

Anakin shifts uncomfortably.

ANAKIN: It was like, you know, a dream.

Padme rolls her eyes.

PADME: Bad?

ANAKIN: Like the ones I used to totally have like, you know, about my mother just before she...well, you know.

PADME: And?

ANAKIN: It was like, you know, like, you know, about you.

They look at each other. A moment of concern passes between them. Padme sneezes.

ANAKIN: Gesundheit.

PADME: Tell me about it.

ANAKIN: It was like, you know, only a dream.

Padme gives him a long, worried, only slightly forced look. Anakin takes a deep breath.

ANAKIN: (continuing) Like, duh! You croak in childbirth!

PADME: Like, gag me with a spoon! And the baby?

ANAKIN: I totally don't know!

PADME: It was like, you know, only a dream.

Anakin takes Padme in his arms.

ANAKIN: I totally won't let this one like, you know, totally turn into something real, Padme.

PADME: Whatever.


****

83 INT. CORUSCANT-JEDI TEMPLE-COUNCIL CHAMBERS-DAY

ANAKIN: I will, like, do my best to uphold the principles of the Jedi Order.

YODA: Allowing this appointment lightly, the Council soo isn't. Totally disturbing is this move by Chancellor Palpatine.

Anakin winks.

ANAKIN: I, um, understand, yeah.

MACE: You are on this Council, but, like, we so don't grant you the rank of Master.

Anakin flies totally off the handle.

ANAKIN: What?! Like, oh my gawd, how can you do this? Like, I am sooo sure, like, this is totally outrageous, it's unfair . . . I'm more powerful than any of you! How can you be on the Council and not be a Master?!

MACE: Take a seat, young Skywalker.

ANAKIN: This sucks.

Anakin sits in one of the empty chairs. Everyone is totally embarrassed.

Kl-ADI-MUNDI: (via hologram) What about, you know, the droid attack on the Wookiees?

MACE: It is totally critical like we send an attack group there, immediately!

YODA: Go, I will. Good relations with the Wookiees, I have.

Anakin giggles. Yoda shoots him a dirty look.

YODA: Mean that, I did not, young Skywalker!

ANAKIN: Sorry, Master. It does sound wrong, though, you have to admit that.

YODA: Hmph.

MACE: It's settled then.


****

88 INT. CORUSCANT-GALAXIES OPERA HOUSE-NIGHT

PALPATINE: Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis "the wise"?

ANAKIN: No.

PALPATINE: I thought not. It's not, uh, a story the Jedi would tell you. It's kinda, like, a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was like, you know, a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midi-chlorians to create life...

PALPATINE: (continuing) Like, he totally had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared like, you know, about, from dying...


**

112 INT. UTAPAU-TENTH LEVEL-CONTROL CENTER-DAY

Obi-Wan removes his cloak and jumps down behind Grievious.

OBI-WAN: So, like, hi, there!

GENERAL GRIEVOUS: General Kenobi, you are a bold one. I find your behavior bewildering . . . Surely you realize you're soooo doomed!

About a hundred battle droids surround Obi-Wan, Grievious, and his bodyguards. Obi-Wan looks around, then walks right up to the general.

They stare at each other for a moment. Obi-Wan sneezes.

GENERAL GRIEVOUS: Gesundheit.


**

103 INT. CORUSCANT-PADME'S APARTMENT-LANDING ROOM-DAY

ANAKIN: I totally have scoped a way to save you.

PADME: Save me?

ANAKIN: Fer sure! From my nightmares!

PADME: Is that what's bothering you?

ANAKIN: I totally won't lose you, Padme.

PADME: I'm not going to croak in childbirth, Annie. I promise you.

ANAKIN: No, I promise you! Like, oh my gawd! I am becoming so powerful with my studly knowledge of the Force, I will be able to keep you from dying!


****

118 INT. CORUSCANT-CHANCELLOR'S OFFICE-EARLY EVENING

PALPATINE: It is totally upsetting to me to see that the Council totally doesn't seem to fully appreciate your talents. Don't you wonder why they won't, you know, make you a Master?

ANAKIN: I so wish I knew! I get the feeling that I am being excluded from the Council, you know. I know there are things like, you know, about the Force that they are not telling me.

PALPATINE: Like, they totally don't trust you, Anakin. Like, they see your future! Like, they know your power will be totally too strong to control. Anakin, you must break through the fog of studly lies the Jedi totally have created around you.

PALPATINE: (continuing) Let me help you to know the subtleties of the Force.

They walk into the hallway.

ANAKIN: Like, how do you know the ways of the Force?

PALPATINE: My mentor taught me everything like, you know, about the Force . . . even the nature of the dark side.

They stop.

ANAKIN: You know the dark side?!? Gag me with a spoon!

PALPATINE: Anakin, if one is totally to understand the totally awesome mystery, one must study all its aspects, not just the dogmatic, narrow view of the Jedi. If you wish to like, you know, totally turn into a complete and wise leader, you must embrace a larger view of the Force. Be careful of the Jedi, Anakin. Like, they fear you. In time they will destroy you.

They begin to circle each other. Weirdos.

ANAKIN: I totally won't be a pawn in your political game.

PALPATINE: Only through me can you achieve a power greater than any Jedi. Learn to know the dark side of the Force, Anakin, and you will be able to save your wife from certain death.

ANAKIN: Uh, like, what was that last part?

PALPATINE: Use my knowledge, I sooo beg you . . .

ANAKIN: Like, duh! You're a Sith Lord!

Anakin ignites his lightsaber. They finally stop circling each other.

PALPATINE: I know what totally has like been troubling you . . . Like, oh my gawd! Listen to me. Ever since I've known you, you've been searching for a studlier life, greater than that of an ordinary Jedi . . . a life of significance, of gnarly conscience dude!

ANAKIN: Like, duh! You're wrong!

PALPATINE: Are you going to hose me?

ANAKIN: I would certainly like to.

PALPATINE: I know you would. I can feel your anger. It gives you focus, makes you stronger.

Anakin raises his lightsaber to Palpatine's throat. There is so totally a lot of "atmosphere" for a moment you know, but then they relax, and Anakin puts away his lightsaber.

ANAKIN: Sooo, like, I'm going to turn you over to the Jedi Council.

PALPATINE: Sounds good.


****

123 EXT. UTAPAU-SECRET LANDING PLATFORM-DAY

Obi-Wan grabs a blaster and shoots General Grievious, who promptly falls over and croaks.

OBI-WAN: So uncivilized.


****

124 INT. JEDI GUNSHIP-LANDING PLATFORM-EARLY EVENING

ANAKIN: I've just learned a grody bad truth. I think Chancellor Palpatine is totally a Sith Lord.

MACE WINDU: A Sith Lord?

Again, Mace Windu looks relatively unphased by this information.

ANAKIN: The one we've, like, totally been looking for.

MACE: Like, how do you know this?

ANAKIN: He knows the ways of the Force. He totally has, like, been trained, you know, to use the dark side, and stuff.

MACE: Are you like, fer sure?!

ANAKIN: Totally.

MACE: We must move quickly if the Jedi Order is totally to survive.

ANAKIN: Like, duh! You will need my help if you are going to arrest him.

MACE: I sense a totally awesome deal of confusion in you, young Skywalker dude. Like, there is much fear that clouds your judgment.

ANAKIN: I must go, Master. Like, I am so sure!

MACE: No. Wait for us in the Council Chamber until, like, we return.


More updates coming someday. Or not.

:-D