It was a quiet & peaceful evening. We were enjoying a night out with a friend when my cell phone rings. "No Caller ID" My heart leapt into my throat. "No Caller ID" means only one thing: The Dark Lord is trying to make contact. Of course, the one night I'm not worrying about evading the Empire is the night that that Sith calls me. I hit "Silence" on the phone, tuck it back into my purse. I don't even have to lie when Hubby-Wan asks, "Who was it?" "No Caller ID" I responded. But I knew it was only a matter of time before contact would be made...

The next day there is a message waiting for me in my Yahoo IM account. Tentatively, I respond and up pop the smiley faces. Oh sure, Mr. Evil wants to get on my good side. Fine. I play along sending another smiley & even a hug. Hopefully he fell for it.

Not only did he fall for it, but he announced that he would be making an unexpected stop on Tatooine to check up on the operation here. He would be arriving in 4 days time, I was commanded to make all preparations for his arrival. The responsibility of having to entertain a dark lord of the sith is not something to be taken lightly. And my role is to act as tour guide, leading his crispy self around the desert. "Yes sir, all will be as you command," and I hastily sign off of Yahoo with a > : D < hoping that it will sooth him into not force choking me on sight.

The day of our meeting dawned crisp, clear & sunny. I explained to the padawan that he must make a good impression - it's important to us that he is not chosen to attend the Imperial Academy and equally important that his force skills not be detected by Darth Vader. It's already a big step for the universe that he has allowed me to live so long after Order 66, but the prospect of him taking on a young padawan may be too tempting for the man in black. "Act normal," I tell him as I dress him in civilian clothing and strap him into the back seat of my landspeeder.

Arriving at the core of the city, I approach the predetermined meeting place - a public place where murder would be conspicuous & hopefully others would intervene on my behalf. I had to leave my lightsaber home, therefore I would have to rely on the kindness of strangers to save me. We met at the one place in the desert you can watch water being flung about as if it were in surplus - a magical mystical hut dubbed "Bellagio" by the locals. Before the hut is a large fountain display where the less fortunate & thirsty rabble gather in the hopes of catching a bit of mist on their tongues.

The minutes tick by & I begin to feel the dark presence of Vader. Though I'm sure it frowned upon by the Emperor for a Jedi & a Sith to just get along, he risks his own life by saying hello rather than taking me immediately into custody. The padawan is in awe of the tall man in black and waves anxiously up at him. Vader shifts uncomfortably, "I'd rather not do this in public, come with me." A small garrison of stormtroopers prod us to follow. When we reach the fountain overlook, he takes a small gift from under his cape & hands it to the padawan. "Tell no one," are his words.

Fear keeping us in line, we are commanded to drive him in our unmarked landspeeder to another local point of interest - oddly enough another building that goes by a name from the planet Italy: The Venetian. He is fascinated by the wax models of citizens of our planet, he analyzes their features and begins entering codes into a small handheld computer. "What are you doing?" I ask him. "Making a list of...." he stops. "Mind your business, Jedi, or I will find a new home for you in the mountains." I know better than to press him, so I lead him past the remainder of the wax models.

"Take me to your home," he commands. "I have business with the padawan." I fumble with my keys as we hurry to my speeder. "As you command, My Lord," i hear myself squeak. Thanks for offering to pay for the gas to lug your mechanical butt everywhere I think I'm thinking to myself. Say that again, Jedi... I hear his voice in my head. I smile weakly at him & begin the long journey home.

Once inside, he removes the padawan from my sight, telling me he wants to "see the guest bathroom." But once they are upstairs, I hear the ignition of lightsabers. Ah-hah, guest bathroom my foot. He came here with the intention of secretly training my own padawan. There has to be something I can do. I hurry upstairs hoping that I'm in time to save the youngling. But it is pointless. The padawan has Vader down, holding Vader's own lightsaber to his throat. "I am a Jedi, like my mother before me," the padawan declares. "Hooray!!" I exclaim & grab my little jedi into my arms. "Now honey, we don't kill with our lightsabers, that's the dark side. So both of you go wash your hands it's time for dinner." I help Vader to his feet. "Here's your saber back." He takes it and follows the padawan. I'm not sure, but I think he stuck his tongue out at me from under his helmet...?

In the evening hours I was again employed to escort him around our fair city. Traffic was heavier at these late hours but no matter. We reached his Imperial Palace and as one final act of defiance, I remotely opened his passenger door & to his surprise I pushed him right out on to the street. I slammed the door shut & took off as fast as I could. In my rearview mirror, I could just make out his black figure darting between landspeers & dewbacks. He did stop once reaching the other side of the street to shake his fist in my direction.

The next morning I was again awakened by a summons to meet the Dark Lord for a tour of the red rocks. He was interested in seeing these formations in the hope of exploiting them for some new fuel for his Star Destroyer. So yet again I found myself riding side-by-side with Vader. This day, though, he seemed a bit subdued. The padawan had threatened a hike through these red formations and Vader quietly confided in me that he has never attempted a hike in his body armor. "Oh sure, before 'the accident' I used to hike all the time..." he said casually as we stepped out of the land speeder at the Children's Discovery trailhead.
He did survive the hike in his slippery black boots and I have survived to tell the tale. He did not chop me up into tiny bits and hide the pieces under bushes & rocks along the hike as he had threatened. All was well in the world.

After a long day of a lot of fresh air, it was time to return him to the Imperial Palace yet again. This time for good. My duties with the Sith Lord were complete & I was free to go. And go I did, as fast as my little old landspeeder could take me. I watched as his Destroyer blasted off from our little planet, back to his "bright center of the universe." If Darth Vader is any indication, these Sith Lords aren't as evil & frightening as they're cracked up to be. The next time I receive word that Vader will be inspecting our outpost, I'll be more likely to vacuum my landspeeder first.



And remember girl.... what happens on Tatooine stays on Tatooine.