In this household, there are 3 movies which are never, i repeat: NEVER, allowed to cross the threshold - either on VHS, DVD and woe to he or she who is channel surfing & lingers more than 0.004 seconds on one. Accidents don't happen here - you could lose a finger or an eye over one of these.

So what are Oboe-Wan's Top 3 Worst Movies of All Time? Quite frankly, they are 3 movies that bug the poodoo out of me because everyone automatically jumped on the "critical acclaim" bandwagon. I mean, did anyone actually watch any of these movies before saying "I love that movie!" ?? I think not.

And I have to tell you, there is a little part of me that wants to shut off comments to this blog so I can rant without having to hear the defense of any of these movies, but since there's this little thing I believe in called "Free Speech" I decided to leave them on. I do not judge my friends by their opinions on movies...

The ranking here is totally arbitrary. Unless I had a manometer to use like an applause-o-meter to see to what levels my blood pressure rises just upon the mention of the titles of these movies, there's really no good way for me to discern a "ranking" here.

Without further ado, here they are:

Oboe-Wan's Top 3 Worst Movies of All Time


THE PIANO (1993)

Stars: Holly Hunter, Sam Neill, Harvey Keitel, Anna Paquin

Holly Hunter is a mute piano playing single mom who is sent to Sam Neill thanks to an arranged marriage. She ends up isolated in New Zealand, her piano sold to Harvey Keitel, and just plain out miserable. I'd be miserable too to discover that New Zealand is not filled with Hobbits & Elves but middle-aged naked men wanting piano lessons after a hard day in the field. Yuck.

What's more annoying about this movie: it's eager attempts to be an "art" film vying for an Oscar nod or the "modern" piano music trying to be passed off as Romantic Period revolution?

And yes, she dies at the end of the movie. She doesn't swim to the surface to live life with a metal finger, a new voice & a dreamlike life. Nope. She's D-E-D dead!

This movie stole 2 hours of my life that I will never get back. 2 hours I could have spent studying for exams or sleeping. Thankfully it has dropped off the radar - I don't know the last time I heard mention of this movie in the last 14 years except when we bought "Fly Away Home" & I said to Hubby-Wan "Where have I seen Anna Paquin before?" and he said, "that travesty of a 'movie' The Piano."


LEGENDS OF THE FALL(1994)

The early 1990's seem to be producing movies as over-eager attempts to get Oscar nomiations. This is another great example. Put together a cast of well-knowns: Brad Pitt, Aidan Quinn, Henry Thomas, Anthony Hopkins, and see what happens.

It could have been a great movie about a father & his 3 sons (one of which has had a couple close encounters with aliens in the 1980's) dodging the government & living in the wilds of Montana, but instead it turns into a twisted love triangle which I'm sorry to say was just pathetic at best and completely uninteresting.

I admit, I thought the parallel between the calf stuck in the barbed wire & the brother dying in WW1 was just horrible - laughable. Did a 7th grader write this stuff? And this movie just goes on & on & on - if you can dream the tragedy then it's probably in this movie.

The best part of this movie is by far after Anthony Hopkins has his stroke & the only words he says are "Screw 'em!" Bloody brilliant.

If you want to see a real movie about living in the wilds of Montana, help yourself to A River Runs Through It. See? Brad Pitt doesn't need a Conan the Barbarian haircut to prove he can appear to have lived in Montana.


And last but certainly not least:

MR HOLLAND'S OPUS (1995)

Worst "band teacher" movie ever. Vomitrocious. Ok, who would believe for a second that this man was capable of teaching children in the first place?

Richard Dryfuss' character is not an honorable man. In my opinion he has zero to no redeeming qualities. He allows his hot student to continue her crush on him (which I'm sorry, she could have any hot guy in school, really? Richard Dryfuss?) to the point where he almost runs away to NYC with her?

This man got into teaching because he couldn't make it as a musician/composer - thus doing it for all the wrong reasons. Not to mention he is embarrassed and disinterested in his deaf son because he can't appreciate what he does. That's just sickening. There's a reason he gets fired - budget cuts are the cover story, he's just not a good guy.

My father-in-law looks a bit like Richard Dryfuss.... when we used to live in the same town many of the students parents would say "All I can think of is Mr. Holland when I see your father-in-law." Ugh. Shoot me please. Mr. Holland WISHES he were as great a teacher as my father-in-law and the many band directors I've known in my life.

Again, another 2 hours of my life I will never get back. I remember seeing this movie in college w/a bunch of other music majors. All of us walked out of there thinking, "I hope I never turn out like that."


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And so commences my bashing of 3 movies which some of you probably like. I'm sorry (on so many levels) but I couldn't hold this in any longer!!