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 | Nice Little Package (Updated for no good reason!) |
There'd be fewer blogs if it went a little something like this...
INT. POLIS MASSA MEDICAL CENTER
Obi-Wan: Hold on Padmé. You'll be all right...
Padmé: ... Obi-Wan... the children... you must.
Bail: Master Kenobi, I was thinking.
Obi-Wan: What? Senator Organa I'm -
Bail: You should probably consider an alias. A pseudonym. A way of avoiding the Empire.
Padmé: Please... there is still good...
Obi-Wan: Could this at all wait, Senator Organa?
Bail: I was thinking something simple. A name like Ben, perhaps?
Padmé: Obi-Wan! There is still good...
Obi-Wan: What?
Bail: Ben. It's a nice name. I think one of the Boonta Eve Podracers had that name.
Obi-Wan: I didn't actually see that Podrace.
Bail: Really? I thought you said when you met Anakin he already was a great pilot.
Padmé: GAHH!!! UGH...
Obi-Wan: He was. I just heard about it after the fact. Qui-Gon was at the race. He told me all about it.
Bail: Qui-Gon? You didn't mention that.
Obi-Wan: Well, I don't mention him very often. He's dead, you know.
Padmé: GAAAAGH!
Bail: Yes. I can see how that would stop you from bringing him up during a casual aside.
Obi-Wan: So, Ben, you say?
Padmé: AAGGHHHH...
Bail: Yes. Ben Kenobi. Well, you should probably drop the last name. But either way, it rolls off the tongue.
Padmé: GAAAHHH.. ARRRRAAAAGH...
Obi-Wan: All right. From this moment on, I'll be known as Ben Kenobi and will not go by any other name.
Padmé: UUGHHhhh... ooohhhh...
Baby: WAAAAGH!
Medical Droid: It's a boy.
Obi-Wan: I should make a note of this moment. I'll probably want to recall it later.
***
And also... basically the same joke:
EXT. MUSTAFAR -- LAVA RIVER
Obi-Wan: You were the Chosen One! It was said you were to bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness!
Anakin: I HATE YOU!
Obi-Wan: You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you.
Anakin: (catches fire) MuuAAAARRRGHH!!
Obi-Wan: I'm taking your lightsaber now. Unless you say otherwise, I'm going to assume you would have wanted this passed on to your offspring.
Anakin: GAAAAAHHH!!! RAAAAAGHHRRRR!
Obi-Wan: I do not hear any objections. I am also assuming that you would have wanted him to have it when he was old enough.
Anakin: AAAAAA!
Obi-Wan: Right ho, then.
****
And maybe...
EXT. ALDERAAN BALCONY
Queen Organa: Oh, Leia. You will so love Alderaan. It is your home, my little young one.
Bail: She is truly wonderful. But I feel that she should perhaps know her real mother and the sacrifice she went through to bring her into this world.
Queen Organa: Can we risk it?
Bail: A few images in her room would not draw much attention, I think.
Queen Organa: What did you have in mind?
Bail: Well, I had the R2 unit provide me some holograms. What do you think?
Queen Organa: She looks rather sad in that one.
Bail: There's more. This one?
Queen Organa: Eh... still pretty sad.
Bail: You're right. Let's go through these. Sad. Sad. Sad. Wow, these last few years were a veritable drought for smiles.
Queen Organa: Do you have any of her looking kind?
Bail: Sad. Sad. Sad. Oh, what about this one?
Queen Organa: That's kind of sad.
Bail: Sad. Sad. Sad. I'm going to switch to the second disc.
Queen Organa: That's one not too bad.
Bail: She's still sad.
Queen Organa: True, but she looks kind and sad.
Bail: Okay, we'll go with it.
***
EXT - TATOOINE - MOISTURE FARM - DUSK
Owen: Was that the Jedi who called ahead?
Beru: Yes. Obi-Wan Kenobi. He dropped off the baby as he said he would. But didn't otherwise say a word.
Owen: Blasted Jedi. Why must they complicate things? He could have at least said a thank you.
Beru: He said so on the com earlier...
Owen: Don't make excuses for him Beru. It's like I always said. Anakin should never have gotten involved with them.
Beru: You always say that?
Owen: Yes, once Shmi moved in with us and I saw how much she missed him. I said he should have stayed here, when he was nine, and not gotten involved with the Jedi.
Beru: Oh.
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http://blogs.starwars.com/pablog/15 |
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Beautiful Soul
Under the Twin Sunset
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date Posted: Jul 25, 2005 8:29 AM
If only everything in the Star Wars Universe had been so neatly explained and wrapped up in a nice package. 
This was quite funny and cheered my horrible Monday morning. 
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The Dark Moose
Moose Poodoo
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date Posted: Jul 25, 2005 8:32 AM
"Obi-Wan Kenobi...Obi-Wan...
I haven't gone by that name since oh, 3.25 seconds before you were born..."
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MasterMoonlighter
The Great Mystery
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date Posted: Jul 25, 2005 9:17 AM
BRILLIANT!!  One of the funniest things I have ever seen posted. You are brilliant man!! Padme screaming in the backround in labor pains was the best touch there.  Man that was funny, I'm going to go to work with a big smile on my face now.
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Darth Gefallen
Darth Gefallen's blog
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date Posted: Jul 25, 2005 10:54 AM
LOL really wonderful. I think that doesn't have to fit on Star Wars, thats what I like it. Because it asumes you may think whatever you want. I like EU, but it's nice to think on another explanations like this was, which is very funny, hahaha! =D thanks Pablo.
Dart Gefallen.
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clonestorm2
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date Posted: Jul 25, 2005 4:17 PM
That was hilarious, it definately explains much more about the Original Trilogy.
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SilverForce
Delusions of Grandeur
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date Posted: Jul 25, 2005 4:46 PM
Excellent.
"Hmmm... Artoo? Best never mention Yoda or I to anyone ever again...Oh, and I'm sorry to hear the warranty expired on your rocket packs just one day before they burned out...."
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Ghent
From the Desk of Ghent
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date Posted: Jul 25, 2005 5:17 PM
Damn you, Pablo... I had planned this virtually identical blog entry in my head... just not comitted to bits yet.
Ah well, something else to scratch off my to-do.
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Zaps!
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date Posted: Jul 25, 2005 10:17 PM
Wonderful!!
That was funny, very funny. Thank you for that.
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The Dark Moose
Moose Poodoo
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date Posted: Jul 26, 2005 4:23 AM
Bah! :0) too funny Ph!
"Just images really...Kind, but sad. I can have the originals back on Alderaan blown up for you if...oh yeah. someone already did. Nevermind."
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colorscheme2
The Colorscheme
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date Posted: Jul 26, 2005 7:01 AM
Tee hee. Brilliant and delicious.
Newly-renamed Ben: She called out the names Luke and Leia before she died. I think that we should honor that, but the children should leave behind the name Skywalker forever.
Bail: That's easy! My wife and I have always talked about adopting a baby girl. Little boys are stinky. We'll take Leia, and she can have our last name.
Yoda: Wonderful, this idea is. (He and Bail look expectantly at Obi - er, Ben.)
Ben (startled): Wha? No no no. I've already messed up one Skywalker, Master. You couldn't possibly expect me to adopt this one.
Yoda: Adopt him, you needn't. To Tatooine you will take him; family he has there.
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colorscheme2
The Colorscheme
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date Posted: Jul 26, 2005 7:05 AM
Ben: Anyway. They're shirt-tale relatives at best. What if they refuse to take him?
Yoda: Weak-minded, moisture farmers are.
Ben: So, Luke can take on the name Lars?
Yoda (deep in thought): A vision from the future I see: "I'm Luke Lars, I'm here to rescue you." Terrible name. Terrible.
Bail: Let's not worry. Skywalker is a pretty popular name now thanks to Anakin's heroics during the wars. People are actually changing their last names. We put Luke out in the open with Anakin's known family, we put Ben Kenobi a few miles away from him, and it will be just too obvious for anyone to take seriously. It's almost too easy.
Ben: You have a truly dizzying intellect. But you're right; it's perfect.
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Leia111967
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date Posted: Jul 26, 2005 9:41 AM
Hehehehe, good one. 
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Jawa-powa
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date Posted: Jul 26, 2005 9:47 AM
Luv the Skywalker name bit, Colorscheme...
Imagine if the prequels DID answer all these found continuity quirks...
There'd be less nitpicks
But also even less inspired imagination--a Star Wars legacy.
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Jawa-powa
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date Posted: Jul 26, 2005 9:48 AM
A brief addl. clip::
Qui to Shmi: "...who was the Father??"
Shmi bashfully:: "There was no Fath-uh-I was young, en...uh"
Qui:: "Ah...I see nnnWell We all were young'", light chuckle-raised brow.
Shmi bites lower lip, blushes.
" He had this loong-uh--red sabresword. He was soo intriguing and he.."
Qui:: "Red?...Oh my."
Shmi: "Can you help him?'
Qui:: "I dunno. I didn't come here to do someone elses laundry."
Shmi perplexed:: "C-can't remmber his name. He had a friend...S-Sly? no Stev-Set?-s-s-Sid?..ugh!"
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The Dark Moose
Moose Poodoo
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date Posted: Jul 26, 2005 10:19 AM
Obi-Wan: What about Yoda? Master, don't you need a "pseudo-thingie"?
Yoda: Need not a name, do I, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: *ahem* Ben. My name's Ben. Why not, master?
Yoda: Hiding from frogs and lizards, am I? Why name need I?
Obi..er..Ben: In case someone finds you?
Yoda: 2 Feet tall am I. Not exactly hard is hiding. A nice tree, I will find.
Ob...Ben: All the same, Master, it would be wise..
Yoda: No! No name need I! Still master, I am. Why need I give name, eh? Many conversationalists on Dagobah, think you? No name! Alone, leave me with stupid pseudonym thing, Master Obi-Wan! Geez.
Ben:..it's Ben. Ben! *sigh* I have a bad feeling about this...
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Pabawan
Fragments from the Mind's Eye
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date Posted: Jul 26, 2005 11:28 AM
EXT - TATOOINE - MOISTURE FARM - DUSK
Owen: Was that the Jedi who called ahead?
Beru: Yes. Obi-Wan Kenobi. He dropped off the baby as he said he would. But didn't otherwise say a word.
Owen: Blasted Jedi. Why must they complicate things? He could have at least said a thank you.
Beru: He said so on the com earlier...
Owen: Don't make excuses for him Beru. It's like I always said. Anakin should never have gotten involved with them.
Beru: You always say that?
Owen: Yes, once Shmi moved in with us and I saw how much she missed him. I said he should have stayed here, when he was nine, and not gotten involved with the Jedi.
Beru: Oh.
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Beautiful Soul
Under the Twin Sunset
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date Posted: Jul 26, 2005 12:13 PM
Owen: Don't make excuses for him Beru. It's like I always said. Anakin should never have gotten involved with them.
Beru: You always say that?
Owen: Yes, once Shmi moved in with us and I saw how much she missed him. I said he should have stayed here, when he was nine, and not gotten involved with the Jedi.
Beru: Oh.
This is the best. And this has to be one of the best blog entries I've read in a long while. Always good for a laugh.
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Kenobi-fan
The Jundland Wastes Journal
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date Posted: Jul 26, 2005 12:37 PM
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away a guy messed up and got a lot of people killed then thought better about it after his son was born and set everything right. The End.
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jedihooplah
A whole bunch of hooplah.
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date Posted: Jul 26, 2005 2:50 PM
heheheheheheheheehhahahahahahahaah...{10 minutes later}...wooo, haven't had a good laugh like that in a loooooonnnnnng time. No supsitute for good clean humor.
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The Dark Moose
Moose Poodoo
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date Posted: Jul 26, 2005 3:14 PM
Oh and there's the other loose end that could be handled thusly...
OBI-WAN: Master, remember when you used to instruct me when Qui-Gon went to that Jedi commune for a couple of years?
YODA: So...dead is Padme? Medical droids, call yourselves?!
OBI-WAN: Yes, well I was thinking I should apologize.
YODA: For what you apologize? You big droid - This "oooobah" - stop you saying it! Annoying it is! Saying you were, Obi..er..Ben?
OBI-WAN: Yes, I thought I could train Anakin as well as you trained me. I even bet some of the other Jedi. We had a pool going. Needless to say I owe a lot of..oh wait..no I don't. Cool!
YODA: A Shmuck you are, Obi-Wan.
OBI-WAN: Ben.
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MasterMoonlighter
The Great Mystery
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date Posted: Jul 26, 2005 3:32 PM
LOVE the updates, Mustafar and Alderaan entries especially!
DAGOBAH:
Vader-I can sense you Master Yoda......I know you are hiding here. Show yourself!
Yoda-(aside, to himself) Quickly, I must think.
Vader-I will Destroy you Traitor. Don't make me torture you, show yourself
Yoda-(to himself) Wise you are master Qui-Gonn. subtle the power of the Force is
-a little later, Vader finds himself in a cave-
Vader- rotting Poodoo!! I'm spewing liquid poodoo. It had to be Yoda, oh my that can't be right! It burns worse than Mustafar!! Why was I compelled to eat that fruit!? Had to be Yoda, why didn't I sense it was such a potent laxative? The dark side will definitely be in this cave now wheeew!
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MasterMoonlighter
The Great Mystery
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date Posted: Jul 26, 2005 3:33 PM
I have never been particularly good at comedy, forgive the last entry. ACHUTA!! 
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DarkHorseRacer
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date Posted: Jul 26, 2005 5:35 PM
Ha, ha!
That was great. Man, the movies would be so much better that way...
Come on Lucas, you can't write your own story properly!
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zeta39
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date Posted: Jul 27, 2005 1:24 AM
I have to say, THEE BEST PLOT FOR STAR WARS, EVER!!!! WOW!!! You are something else. "Award please!"
Lisa
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zeta39
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date Posted: Jul 27, 2005 1:24 AM
LOVED IT!
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A2-54E
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date Posted: Jul 27, 2005 3:57 AM
That's funny stuff mate! Well done!
*Applauds*
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Liberi Fatali37
Liberi Fatali XXXVII
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date Posted: Jul 27, 2005 9:24 AM
If Obi-Wan took the Anakin's lightsaber and gave it to its offspring by telling Anakin, he would have known about an offspring.
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Norway
Letters from Hoth
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date Posted: Jul 28, 2005 6:10 AM
Why do I get the feeling you are poking fun at me and my blog entries?
But I can't help it, I still love this blog!
I laughed until I cried! Very funny, good man!
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Bspacewiz2
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date Posted: Jul 28, 2005 8:56 AM
Brilliant Pabs!
ROTFL
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Z-score
The Star Wars Uncle
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date Posted: Jul 28, 2005 8:19 PM
Bail: You're right. Let's go through these. Sad. Sad. Sad. Wow, these last few years were a veritable drought for smiles. That was my favorite line! It just gives me a laugh for some reason.
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STE-VON-K NAR
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date Posted: Jul 29, 2005 8:53 PM
good stuff ! ! ! !
-steve
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Kathee
Memory Bank
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date Posted: Jul 31, 2005 6:01 PM
PH - I think you have too much time on your hands! (But it was great!)
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RJ-1 Kenobi
Journal of the Wibbles
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date Posted: Aug 20, 2005 7:32 AM
Good job, Pabs!
Don't forget the extra dialogue to be added to the Super Special Edition of Return of the Jedi:
Vader: His lightsaber.
Emperor: Ah yes, a Jedi's weapon. Much like your father's. And please understand that the mocking tone you detect here is because I am reminding you of how close you are to following in your father's path. Naturally I am not mocking your lightsaber. I have one of my own, you know, but I don't use it any more because it's so hard to find the right batteries these days.
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Mace Nguyendu
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date Posted: Nov 03, 2005 9:57 PM
lol. This is the funniest blog I have read in a long time. Nice job man. Nice job.
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JediMasterHermione
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date Posted: Nov 14, 2005 10:09 AM
I read this in Insider a few weeks ago. I laughed my head off!
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chelsea_cay421
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date Posted: Nov 28, 2005 7:10 PM
that is too even dang funny!
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darth greiveous
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date Posted: Nov 30, 2005 9:31 PM
....................that was hte dumbest thing in....................HA i got u didn't i?that was so ####in funny(excuse my language)
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