As a child of the '80s, there was no excuse for liking Go-Bots over Transformers. Nothing would make you a pariah and a victim of a pantsing faster that trying to defend the claim that the Guardians and Renegades of Gobotron were even in the same league as the Autobots and Decepticons from Cybertron.

The reasons were manifold. The Transformers cartoon was inherently cooler (even though they shared most of the same voice cast. How dispiriting would it to be to reveal to a child of 1984 that the mighty Megatron and the laughable Scooter had the same voice actor?). The toys were more vibrant and colorful and complex (Hasbro trumps Tonka, hands down - Go-Bots' last desperate bid for parity were the Rock Lords. Robots that turned into... rocks. Yep. All the fun of rocks, but in robot form).

But I think a big contributing factor was how much cooler the Transformer names were over the Go-Bot names. Check it: Transformers had a jet named Thundercracker, a motorcycle named Override, a helicopter named Whirl, a dune buggy named Beachcomber, an insect named Shrapnel, a jeep named Hound, a space shuttle named Astrotrain, and a police car named Prowl.

Go-Bots? The Jet was named Bad Boy, the motorcycle named Cy-Kill, a helicopter named Cop-Tur, a dune buggy named Buggyman, an insect named Creepy, a jeep named Jeeper Creeper, and a space shuttle named Spay-C and the police car was named... God... named Hans-Cuff.

Come on guys, how hard did you try on these?

But there were some Transformers that simply didn't measure up as far as cool names went. Here's a summary.


Barbearian. If you have to write your name down to explain why it happens to be cool, then it's not actually cool.

Erector. Tee-hee.

Fizzle, Guzzle, and Sizzle. Transfizzles! Robizzles in Disgizzles!

Flamefeather. Never has one part of the name so effectively cancelled out another part of the name.

Flareup. He's the Autobot that has trouble sitting down.

Gas Skunk. Sounds like someone that should have an Appalachian drawl, doesn't it?

Hosehead. Take off, eh? Coo-loo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo!

Huffer. In a very special episode of Transformers, Optimus Prime teaches about the dangers of solvent abuse.

Tote. And if you donate at the $50 level, we will send you this commemorative Autobot.

Whisper. The Decepticon voted most likely to have poetry on his livejournal account.

Wideload. Every night he cries himself to sleep, after eating an entire black forest cake.

Windbreaker. Don't stand behind him.


Special: Transformers. Japanese edition.

This is almost not fair, since these names are translated and mistranslated, into English ... so it's almost too easy to pick on. But what thehey, I'm not proud.

Alan. Hi. I'm a robot from another planet engaged in an eon-long war for supremacy of the universe. I'm Alan. I handle their payroll.

Damper. I'm reminded of those diaper commercials where they compare two products side by side with a mysterious blue liquid.

Discharge. Doc, this isn't serious, right? It'll go away with some penicillin, right?

Drillnuts. Recommended for ages 3-7, and 21+. Not for ages 8-20 -- may induce uncontrollable giggling.

Eggbird, Eggbot, and Eggleo. Cholesterolbots, attack!

Gingham. Transforms into a summer dress!

Leaf. Dude, didn't you know it's the oil companies that are behind this war, man? Quit being such a tool of the machine.

Loafer. Did you even try to look for a job today?

Randy. Autobots, we need these expense reports finalized, and Alan's in trouble! Quick, fetch Randy!

Rodney. What? Randy's not available. Then get Rodney.


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