And no, I'm not talking about the band. I'm talking about that lovely procedure where a doctor (usually a resident and not a real doctor) sticks a needle into your back between your lumbar vertebrae and drains out some cerebrospinal fluid to send to the lab. Not a pleasant procedure from what I've been told. Typcially this fluid is clear and colorless unless there's a reason (such as a stroke) that would cause it to be otherwise. Unless of course, you get the resident that feels the need to practice and uses the corkscrew method and then not only are you really going to have a headache, but you'll also have a really sore back. So here are my tips on how NOT to avoid getting a spinal tap.

1. Go to the ER after 7pm.
That's what time the real doctors go home, and you're just stuck with residents then.

2. Complain of a headache.
If you have a headache, they're sure to think meningitis and not just a migraine, or you just may be dehydrated, but that doesn't really matter so get ready, here comes a needle for your back.

3. Have a white blood cell count just outside of normal limits on the high end.
Yup, get ready, here comes that needle.

4. Have a fever.
Something has to be wrong with your nercous system, here comes the needle.

5. Have a very elevated white count
Ok so this one is kinda significant but only if you have a headache/fever/sore neck. If not, well sorry, but you're getting a needle in your back. Can ya stay still please?

6. Sore neck
Once again, legitimate reason, so though you may have just pulled a muscle, if you have a headache/fever/high white count, you've earned yourself a spinal tap.

7. Sore little toe on right foot.
"No, you're just hallucinating the toe pain. That toe is directly connected to your nervous system, we must do a lumbar puncture or you'll surely die."

8. Be a minor with a very worried mom and dad there with you.
Sure, having worried parents is good, but they can sign that consent form when the doctor says "Sir, Ma'am if I don't do this, your child will die." What parent won't sign the consent form? Seriously.

9. Hear voices in your head.
No, you didn't stop taking your schizophrenia medicine, you're terminally ill and we need to do a spinal tap.

10. Have a sore back/leg/
Yes! We have a new addition to the how not to avoid a spinal tap column. This one obviously is of great significance as you can tell. That sore back and leg aren't from improperly lifting, it's from some bacteria that's gonna kill you!

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Ok, just so we're all clear here, the above was meant totally in jest because I work around this stuff all day, and yes, someone once did get a spinal tap with the diagnosis of a sore little toe on the right foot, but in all seriousness, if it's your health, don't mess around with it. Let the doctor do what they need to do. After all, this is America and you can always sue them later if they've caused you unnecessary pain and suffering This post brought to you by Prin's sarcastic and cynical side.