Please note author's remarks are in parenthesis

-Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you
-Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change
-You find humor in other people's stupidity (oh yeah)
-You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac (now please)
-Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint
-You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a diagnosis (YES!)
-You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce (I've said that for years now)
-You believe that "Pizza" is a food group
-You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says "Boy, it sure is quiet around here" (Especially if Jim says it)
-You are out in public and you compliment a complete stranger on their great veins (been tempted)
-You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Center"
-You hate working on nights with a full moon (it was awful)
-You don't think a referral to Dr Kevorkian is inappropriate for this patient
-You have ever wanted to hold a seminar called "Suicide-getting it right the first time"
-You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably
-You think caffeine should be available in IV form (I'll take a steady drip)
-You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience
-The most commonly uttered phrase after midnight is "What changed at 2:00am that makes it an emergency after 6 months?"
-You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis (Yes)
-You have ever referred to the ER as a "#### magnet" (YES)
-You believe that the ER waiting room should be supplied with Valium (It isn't?)
-You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab (Only on busy nights and after I've left)
-When ordering labs, the doctor wants to order a "dumb#### profile" (I think that I took a phone call for that the outher night)
-When you mention vegetables, you are not referring to a food group
-You are totally astounded when someone from the lab speaks English (HEY! I speak English)
-Your patient states "I have no idea how that got stuck up there"
-You have your weekends off marked and planned for a year (And holidays until 2010)
-You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA just so you don't have to deal with them anymore
-You use your status to get out of speeding tickets
-You use the word GOMER (Get Out of My ER) in a sentence more than once a night
-You have ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level (Hell, I do that as an RA)
-You threaten to use the hose if your patient won't give you a urine specimen
-When someone tells you how many drinks they've had, your question it "and how big were those drinks?"