Due to my being the current unofficial keeper of knowledge on the upcoming 2007/2008 Star Wars TV Series I figured I'd post an entry on one of the older attempts to put Star Wars on TV.
I have witheld all Yoda Emotes from this,
it doesn't deserve them.
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The Date: Nov. 17, 1978
The Network: CBS
The Title: The Star Wars Holiday Special
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If I had my way this blog would end right there and we would never speak of this again, but I've made a commitment now and I will delve once again into this adventure that should have never aired!

Well we actually start off on a half-decent foot. We're treated to some stock footage of the Falcon zooming away from the camera then the 2 Star Destroyers from Episode IV (The only movie out at this time).
Han Solo (Played by Harrison Ford mind you): It's alright... That's it I'm turning back. (chewie growls) I know your families waiting! (chewie protests) I know it's an important day! (chewie growls again) ... All right. We'll give it a try. I'll set short coordinates - we won't jump far. I'll get you back there in time pal, trust me. You'll be celebrating Life Day before you know it". (Insert footage from Episode IV of the Falcon going to Lightspeed)

Any hope is lost very very shortly after that when we're treated to "A long time ago in a galaxy far far away"... Formatted wrong.
All actors are then introduced in a normal TV show style (yikes it feels odd to have that in Star Wars)

Notables:
INTRODUCING CHEWBACCA'S FAMILY
His wife Malla
His father Itchy
His son Lumpy
With special guest star Beatrice Arthur... Diahann Carroll
... The Jefferson Starship.

Itchy?! Lumpy?! Say it ain't so!

(Insert ten minutes of Chewies family growling at each other without subtitles... Seriously, ten)

Mark Hamill shows up as our good old buddies Luke and R2-D2 then via video transmission, Chewie's family is worried Chewie isn't there yet.

Did I mention Mark had recently been in a car accident and is wearing so much makeup we have to look at his classic orange jumpsuit to know it's him?.. Yeah.

He then tries to cheer up Chewie's family and asks Malla to smile... Yeah.

Epic

There's then a scene of an off-duty imperial officer.. shopping.

Epic

All kidding aside Art Carney playing the trade outpost merchant is one of the better moments. He conveys to some member of Chewie's family that Han is running late like Luke said via code. "You might say that rug you ordered was made by hand. Solo. And its going to be running a little late in shipping there. Understand?" Obviously a genius code because it's unbroken by the imperial officer... shopping... for fish tanks and groomers.

We're then treated to the same 2 Star Destroyers footage used at the beginning of the film and a highlight: Some unused footage of Darth Vader from Episode IV. Don't get your hopes up though, it's only about 10 seconds.

We're then treated to 5 minutes or so of Mala watching a TV (er.. holonetwork if we want to tie this travesty to Star Wars at all) cooking program hosted by a cross-dressing Harvey Korman... Don't ask. Don't. I could do a full blog on just this (among other scenes, but I'll skim over them as not to cause brain damage to myself)

Back to Han and Chewie. I guess you just can't ruin Harrison Ford even in as bad a production as this. We're given a very poorly cut version of the Tie Fighter attack on the Falcon in Episode IV (carefully done to make sure we don't see Luke or Han using the turrets). Han then utters one of the most decent lines in the Special
"Alright, Alright! The coordinates weren't the best. How did I know we'd come out of Hyperspace into an imperial convoy?"
Wow, it's like they almost remembered what Star Wars was about for a minute.

Unfortunately we're then exposed to what's arguably the most disturbing scene in the Special.

Our old friend the trader, Saundan, from "Wookiee Planet C" arrives giving Life Day presents to everyone. He then puts Itchy in a chair with a um.. holohelmet, and says:
"Now then Itchy, I thought you might like this. It's one of those... Well it's... Well it's kinda hard to explain, I mean... WOW. You know what I mean? Happy Life Day. (Then with a "heh heh heh" tone) and I do mean Happy Life Day.

Itchy is treated to a "holographic" (By which I mean Psychedelic... So many... Colors... Swirling... Twisting and... Swirling.) representation of Diahann Carroll who then utters some lines to a grunting excitedly Itchy.
Basically it's all vaguely sexual.
"I'm getting your message, are (giggling slightly) you getting mine?"
"Oh, oh... We are excited, aren't we? Well, just relax. Just relax. Yes, a little more. Now, we can have a good time, can't we? I'll tell you a secret, I find you adorable."
"Oooooh I can feel my creation."

This one might have actually been Epic

She then sings for 5 minutes or so, during which time you're left to um... assume what happened to Itchy because we cut to Leia and C3PO

It's basically the same scene we've seen twice now.
Leia:Happy Life Day
Mala Growls
Leia: You mean Han and Chewie aren't there yet?
Growling... big surprise.
Leia: Oh dear.

We also learn that Saundan is a member of the Rebel Alliance. Not that it really matters since all the Empire is doing is buying grooming tools.

Han and Chewie then arrive at Kashyyyk (which looks a heck of a lot like footage of Yavin IV from Episode IV, I wonder why?)

I won't bore you with the details, but basically Imperials come into the Wookiee's home, standard imperial fare, hassling Saundan for his identification (no mind tricks this time, he actually has one!). Hm... well this isn't ALL that bad is it? Oh dear, it somehow rapidly evolved into a stormtrooper and off-duty stormtrooper watching another psychedelic 5 minutes of music with The Jefferson Starship.

Once again. Epic. They can't show a stormtrooper shoot anything but they can show that!

We then cut back to the Wookiee household. Our trader friend leaves. The imperials get mad at Lumpy (Chewie's kid) and so Malla shoves him into the basement to watch the one shining light in the Holiday Special.
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The Holiday Special Cartoon!

9 minutes of half-decent Star Wars! Woohoo!
You've suffered through this much to get this. It's a bit oddly animated and the acting is a bit better than the rest of the special, though that could be an illusion just due to the fact it has no Wookiees growling. Anyway you get some lines that at least sound like they remembered what the characters were about. No cross-dressers or psychadelic colors.
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C3PO: The Talisman? It makes things invisable... I think. (R2 beeps) Yes even you. Which I think may be an improvement.

More importantly: Boba Fett!
Over a year prior to Empire Strikes Back we're introduced to Boba Fett!

Here's the entire first encounter with our favorite bounty hunter, it may distract from the rest of this horrible two hours of television.

LUKE
You saved my life. Thank you.

BOBA FETT
You are alone?

LUKE
I have two droids. We've come in search of a ship that crashed near here.

BOBA FETT
Maybe I can help you. I am Boba Fett. The ship you seek is nearby.

LUKE
Are the Imperial troops near this planet?

BOBA FETT
They are here, friend and growing more powerful.

LUKE
How far away?

The massive creature that Boba is riding begins to lick at Luke's Y-Wing, Boba hits it with his forklike weapon.

BOBA FETT
Settle down.
(to Luke) All they do is eat.

Luke grabs a food pack.

LUKE
This is all we have but uh, he's welcome to it.

The creature immediately eats the entire pack in one bite.

BOBA FETT
You are foolish to waste your kindness on this dumb creature. No lower life form is worth going hungry for, friend. I take it you have no love of the Empire.

LUKE
I don't.

BOBA FETT
Well, neither do I. It will be easy to find the ship you seek. Follow me, friend.

He hits his mount with his rifle and the creature begins to move.
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The rest of the cartoon isn't exactly excellent but it's a venerable gold mine compared to the rest of the special.

Fast forward a bit and we learn that Imperial troops are required to watch short holospecials about Tatooine, specifically Mos Eisley Cantina... Yes it made no sense.

Still until everyone starts singing and dancing at our wretched hive and scum and villainy... Yes I said "Singing and dancing" this is actually one of the better sequences... Until they start singing and dancing.

We cut back to Chewie's home, a stormtrooper chases Chewie's son outside. Chewie arrives to save the day, the stormtrooper points his blaster at Chewie for a good 12 seconds before Han shows up and throws him off the railing of their tree-home. Another highlight there, besides the idiocy of why the stormtrooper didn't shoot we're treated to a Wilhelm scream as he falls.

We then get a badly done sappy scene between Chewie and his family in which Han utters.
"You're like a family to me." Referring to Chewie's family.

Epic

In the final original sequence, that makes no sense whatsoever. All our Wookiee friends are dressed in red robes and Leia sings a song to the tune of the Star Wars opening theme.

John Williams still must be spinning in his eventual grave.

As a final slap in the face we get a sequence of scenes from the original Star Wars film that reminds us of how much better it was.

If you still insist on seeing the blasted thing it can be found in the video section of blueharvest.net

Don't. You will fully understand why George Lucas said if he had a hammer and the time he would individually smash each and every bootleg copy of this.

May The Force Be With Us in hopes the NEW adventures of Star Wars on TV are more...
not this.
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