For a while now, I've had this picture in my mind of Sauron, Voldemort, and Palpatine hanging out in a bar, swapping stories about their world(s) domination schemes. No, I don't know why.

Oh yeah--and that guy ==> is Palpatine after a few too many drinks.

They start out as teenagers...

Sauron: Dudes, want to try a Ring of Power? What a trip, man! I just made this one in my secret ring lab on Mount Doom...
Palpatine: Nah, I hear they do terrible things to your complexion. I don't want to have to Botox by the time I'm seventy.
Voldemort: Not my kind of thing. I'll brew you an elixer to induce euphoria, though, if you're interested.
Palpatine: How's the Felix Felicis coming along? I have some plans in the works that will require a lot of luck. About a hundred years worth of luck.
Voldemort: This batch will turn out, I swear. Slughorn's given me some tips. Useful man. So easily manipulated, too. Anyway, until then, here's some Gregory's Unctuous Unction. It'll make the drinkers think you're their best friend.
Sauron: Ooh, I could use some of that. There's this wizard I want to recruit...
Voldemort: Trade you for a ring. I'll even throw in some Polyjuice Potion as a bonus.
Sauron: You said you didn't want a ring!
Voldemort: It's for a...project. Ever heard of Horcruxes?
Palpatine: Yeah...now that's definitely not my kind of thing. High risk of being stuck as less than the meanest ghost and all that.
Sauron: It sounds like a good idea to me. Maybe I'll give it a try.
Palpatine: Fine, but don't you two come crying to me when you're vapor. I'll stick to good old-fashioned Force-clouding and Olay Regenerist to stay alive. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go murder my master in his sleep.
Voldemort: Yeah, I have an appointment with this Hepzibah witch I have to keep.
Sauron: I do have some elves to torture, I suppose. They turn out interesting if you keep at it. I think I'll call them orcs...

Middle age.

Palpatine: I told you so.
Vapormort: Don't rub it in.
MiStauron: Meanie.
Palpatine: Tough pallies. The Wicked Witch of the West just dumped me and I'm in a really BAD mood.
MiStauron: The Valar let you into the West?
Palpatine: Not that West, Gungan-brain.
Vapormort: East, west, who cares! Anywhere's got to be better than a forest in Albania.
Palpatine: Ever been to Tatooine?
MiStauron: Or Mirkwood? Believe me, I know what it's like to be stuck in the forest!

They feel young again!

Voldemort, singing: I got my body back, body back, body back... Harry!
Sauron: Woo-hoo! No more skulking around calling myself the Necromancer! Sauron is back!
Palpatine: Whereas I was never gone. And I'm Supreme Chancellor. Oh look, I win again.
Sauron: Yeah, but where's your apprentice? Half the Sith he used to be, I hear. *snicker*
Voldemort: Cut down by a Padawan... *snicker*
Palpatine: But I got a new one! See? *holds out holopic*
Sauron: There's something familiar about that guy...nah, it couldn't be...
Voldemort: Hey, if we're swapping minion pics, let me show you my Death Eaters! Aren't they cute?
Sauron and Palpatine: Awww...
Voldemort: Some are still in Azkaban though... But I'll break them out in no time. See, here's Bella's mug shot from when they arrested her. She always was my favorite...
Sauron: Hey, is that a Ringwraith in the background? What's he doing in England?
Voldemort: No, that's a Dementor. The soul-suckers, remember?
Sauron: Riiiight...can't talk or ride horses, though, can they? Thought not. You know, I just love minion breeding programs. So does Saruman. Maybe we should set my Ringwraiths up with your Dementors. We could call the results Nazmentors!
Voldemort: Ooh, that's so evil. I love it! Figuratively speaking, that is. I've never really loved anything.
Palpatine: Can I clone the results? I just hired the Kaminoans, see, and while I've found a pretty good donor for soldiers, an army of Nazmentors would be really handy for keeping my empire pacified...once I get the empire, that is.
Sauron and Voldemort: Count us in!
Palpatine: Good, good...hey, what are Wormtongue and Wormtail doing? Guys, your henchmen are fraternizing!
Voldemort: Yeah, cut that out! No plotting! Wormtail, go move in with Snape and keep an eye on him, alright?
Sauron: Wormtongue, go cause mischief in the Shire. I don't want to hear any arguments!
*The henchmen obey, muttering*
Palpatine: That's a nice silver hand Wormtail has. I wish I had an apprentice with a metal hand. Where'd you get it?
Voldemort: Well, I had to cut off his real hand for this potion first...
Palpatine: Oh, I can't go cutting off any hands just yet. I might accidentally reveal myself.
Sauron: Please, there are ladies in this bar! But really, why don't you get your new apprentice to go lop off someone's hand and try it?
Palpatine: Yes...there's this Chosen One kid I want to replace my current apprentice with someday...I'll keep that in mind.
Voldemort: Chosen One?
Palpatine: Oh, just some moldy old Jedi prophecy. I'm sure it's nothing. The kid's stuffed with midichlorians and that's all that matters.
Voldemort: Prophecy? Oh, man, you are in trouble. How do you think I ended up as vapor for nearly fifteen years? A prophecy and a Chosen One, that's how!
Sauron: Ha ha, suckers! I know better than to mess with prophecies and Chosen Ones!
Palpatine: Yeah, but what about that ranger-king and that ringbearer? They sure sound like Chosen Ones to me! If it waddles like a nuna and quacks like a nuna...
Sauron: Bah. I'll get the ring back. Then we'll see what they're chosen for, won't we? Death! Mwahaha! Gollum, go take care of those hobbits, won't you?
Gollum: Here I come, Precioussss...
Palpatine: I have a bad feeling about him.
Voldemort: Then strip your soul of feelings! They only get you in trouble.
Sauron: Like those pesky Sacrificial Love Charms that make curses rebound?
Voldemort: Shut up.

Despite being at the height of their powers, the Dark Lords are starting to feel their years...

Palpatine: I can't believe I couldn't take the little guy. He's three feet tall, for the love of the Dark Side! And my face...*sniffles*
Voldemort: Don't talk to me about love. That Potter kid is full of it. Ick! I couldn't even possess him for a minute!
Sauron: Just thought you two should know the siege of Gondor is going splendidly.
Palpatine: But how's Gollum doing with the hobbits, eh?
Sauron: He'll be leading them to the giant spider any minute now.
Voldemort: Acromantulas are so handy.
Sauron: Especially in forests catching dwarves.
Voldemort: And students.
Palpatine: But they didn't catch the dwarves or the students. That's my point! They all got away!
Sauron and Voldemort: ...oh yeah.
Palpatine: Gollum will betray you and try to take the ring himself, mark my words. I know how these things work. He may not be a Sith, but he knows the drill.
Sauron: As did Saruman...I should thank the Ents for taking care of him for me. But don't worry. Gollum is too pathetic to do any real damage.
Voldemort: Yes, evil always triumphs, right? We're all going to be immortal soon. We're all going to rule our respective domains. What's the worry? All we need is patience.
Palpatine: I've been patient. I'm making my play! Did I mention I finally turned the Chosen One? Ah, the sight of him kneeling before me, pledging his loyalty...beautiful.
Voldemort: You did get an Unbreakable Oath on that, right?
Palpatine: Oh, I'm sure that won't be necessary. Anakin will never turn on me...
Sauron: Let's go dominate!

They walk out into the night, singing whatever evil villains sing when they're drunk...perhaps "I Will Survive"...

Disclaimer which should probably be at the top: It's not fanfiction, I swear! I know the rules It's actually an analysis of the connections between Star Wars and other modern myths existing in the same literary and cultural tradition with a little help from Joseph Campbell and the Jungian collective unconscious, utilizing humor and the hypothetical statements of the characters in the tradition of a Socratic dialogue to make a point... Really!