I have been told that it is futile. Others say that it is impossible. A few have thought, in their naivete, that it might be possible. Most just laugh in my face and say some variation on "Sure, if that' s your kink."

Now, before you believe me melodramatic, let me explain.

I have been a fanfic writer on boards.theforce.net for 4 years now. I have enjoyed that time, getting feedback and collaborating with others on what is definitely a labor of love. Fanfic is not permitted on this site, and it is very unlikely that, for all of my efforts and plot hoojiks, that I will ever be asked by the people at Lucas Books to contribute to the EU. Therefore, all I do under the moniker of DarthIshtar, Meredith Winsor, or Kathryn Olsen (One of those is my name, guess who?) is for fun, for stress relief, and out of love of Star Wars. Believe me, I love it there. Possibly, I love it too much because yesterday, I reached my 20,000th post.

Now, the reason why I obtained the nickname of DarthIshtar is that when I was 14 and a brand-new fanfic enthusiast, I read the Epic of Gilgamesh. I read about a goddess named Ishtar who was both the fertility goddess and the war goddess of her civilization (either the Akkadians or the Sumerians, depending on who you read). She spent the entire time sending fiery bulls after the heroes, trying to destroy or seduce them both, or just generally tra-la-laing in the garden of jewel-flowers. We summed her up as "The one you worship because she likes to destroy your life on a whim, so you don't want to cross her." Someone later teased that I was like her because I am rather infamous for the angsty content of my stories.

For example, I am currently writing a story where, after 500 pages, one character will be left alive. I'm not saying who, because only two people know that. Post 20,000 was on a Jedi Purges speculation that I started based on research that I'd done on the Holocaust, the slave trade in the Americas, and propaganda. Fifty characters started the post. 2 were left alive at the end. My best friend's dad died today and when I put a note about it in my signature, I wondered how many people thought he was my favorite Original Character. That is how much people are accustomed to seeing death and destruction in my writing.

No, I do not do this on a whim. I do it because of how it will affect the characters. I do it because from the beginning of my experience with fanfic, I was fascinated with the impact of loss and transition. I kept wondering what Leia would feel if Luke were killed at certain points in the trilogy.

Yet yesterday, as soon as I passed post 20,000, I began an annihilation-anorexia. For one year, until July 12, 2005, not a single character will die in my stories. It's time to look at what exactly Star Wars is when you take away the wars part of it.