When disappointed by the actions of employees or loved ones, do you feel the urge to crush them with your mind?

Are you prone to creating unnecessarily elaborate plots for galactic domination?

Have you ever described a personal possession as being 'as red as a laigrek's eye'?

Do you, in fact, look really cool in black?

If you've answered yes to any of the questions above then you're a prime candidate for being seduced by the power of the dark side! Congratulations!
Becoming an agent of evil can be a difficult process, so the industrious Ewoks behind 'An Idiot's Guide to Surviving the Jedi Purge' bring you a few top tips based on the experiences of those who've been there, done that and got the black t-shirt.

TOP TIP 1: The Importance of Being Evil
The most important thing for an aspiring dark sider to work on is their evilness. It's no good being able to shoot lightning out of your fingers if you haven't the heart to kick a puppy. This latter is in fact the best method of increasing one's evilness, with the known record being set by a Mr. Palpatine, who kicked 1,138 different puppies consecutively.

TOP TIP 2: We Are the Borg
Everyone who's seen 'Terminator' will know that robots are evil. So, a good method of falling to the dark side heavily involves being cybernetically rebuilt. You may find you lose some of your Force powers, but this is offset by the fact that, no matter how many times Jedi sever your lightsaber arm, you can always bolt on another. Perhaps the most famous proponent of this technique is a Mr. Vader, but should you also lose all four limbs be aware that, regardless of whether or not you have the technology, it will probably set you back more than 6 million dollars.

TOP TIP 3: Family Troubles
The most common factor among those who've successfully fallen to the dark side is some sort of emotional issue with their families. These range from the case of Mr. Xanatos, who saw his father killed by his mentor, to a Mr. Durron who blew up his own brother with a superweapon (sadly, Mr. Durron later fell off the wagon and began indulging in being nice again). If you don't have a dying spouse, an oppressive father or haven't had your entire family wiped out, then you may need to generate some familial tension from scratch. This seems to be easiest around Christmas.

TOP TIP 4: Looking the Part
Any evil villain knows that it's important to look right for the job. Sadly, for followers of the dark side of the Force, it's not as simple as getting a white cat to stroke. The obvious first step is wearing black. Black boots, black robes, black armour, black helmet; it's all good (well, bad, really). If you happen to be particularly ugly, have horns, or lots of tattoos (that aren't regarding your mother) then you're already ahead of the game. If you can lay your hands on some yellow contact lenses, then it's always worth doing so.

TOP TIP 5: Finding Someone Who Does Know the Power of the Dark Side
Looking evil, being mean and having emotional troubles are all well and good, but you're going to need someone to tell you exactly how to do all that cool Force-choke type stuff. Sith Lords are always looking for new pawns, uh, I mean, students and have knowledge of powers beyond most dark siders. Be warned, however, that Sith are inherantly nutters and are more than likely to send you to die at the hands of other Sith, to fulfill some twisted view of balance (note the sad case of Mr. Cuis). If you can't find a Sith (they managed to hide from 10,000 Jedi for a millenium and can probably hide from you just as well) or another dark sider then don't despair. Due to a shocking lack of thoroughness on the part of the Jedi Order, there are literally thousands of dark artifacts and holocrons around the galaxy that can set you on your way.

TOP TIP 6: Falling Out With the Jedi
A vitally important part of being a dark sider is battling those insufferable do-gooders in the Jedi Order. It may be that you yourself were once a Jedi but got sick of helping old ladies across the road when all you wanted to do was lightsaber the wrinkly creatures. In this case it's always best to fight your own Jedi Master as you get to say things that start with the line "When last we met I was but the learner...". You should be especially pleased with yourself if, like such notables as Exar Kun and Darth Vader, you actually kill your former Master. However, be warned that they may become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, ensure that it really is your old Master, as a certain Mr. Dooku caused a great deal of confusion. If you never had a Jedi mentor, then you can still expect to have some Jedi come knocking on your door. Regardless of whatever spiel they give you, don't be tempted to throw away all your carefully laid evil plans for the chance of becoming a shiny blue light side Force ghost!

TOP TIP 7: Your First Job
Once you're dressed in black, have practiced your evil laugh and have learned to make like a human tesla coil you need to do something dramatic to set yourself on the path. This is where you can really let your demented imagination run wild and no plan is too ludicrous! Killing your friends is a tried and tested method, but we expect you to find something far less mundane; be it blowing up thousands of people with booby-trapped droids, like Mr. Kueller, or creating an army of rugged-looking New Zealanders, or anything involving one of the dozens of superweapons left lying around by the Empire.

TOP TIP 8: Pass On What You Have Learned
Now that you've fallen and began your career as a dark sider, remember that there are always other young hopefuls out there who need your help in becoming evil. You never know when your pupil will prove just as successfully evil as you, as happened in the case of Mr. Desann's student Tavion and Mr. Kueller's student Brakiss. Bear in mind, however, that this isn't always the case and sometimes you may find your apprentice will pick you up and throw you into a reactor core. Try not to be too discouraged, you can always come back in a clone body!


All that remains is for you to forward your payment of 29.95 to our office and we will send you a certificate saying you are now a fully-fledged Dark Jedi (regardless of whether you ever were a Jedi) signed by Leland Chee himself.

Good luck, and be good at being bad!