Have you ever felt like Padme in the Rumination scene from RoTS - just feeling so overwhelmed by emotion and defeat that you just sob? Or, perhaps, like Luke looking out to the horizon of the two setting suns - just feeling uncontrollable frustration at everyone and everything around you??

Lately I have been feeling just this way and it's been driving me crazy. It's one of things where you can't put your finger on it - you're just in a mood.

Well, I don't need to divulge my personal issues here. Let me try to explain where I am coming from....

As of late, friends who I thought were friends seem to have disappeared. I try not to email them - you know, the old "let's see if they wonder where I am" - but, I inevitably end up missing them so much that I send an email just to see how they are doing.

Friends who I thought were friends have turned out to be vicious enemies.

I guess I have just been feeling sort of out of place lately in places that I thought I would always be able to go for a bit of relaxation and to 'get away from it all'. Those places don't feel comforting or like home anymore. Thus, I have stayed away and tried my best to hold every feeling and thought in my head to myself.

After reading Oboe-Wan's blog about C4 (took me long enough, I know), I guess that I too have fallen to the petty jealousy of people & friends whose friendships were made more concrete by C4. Friendships that I couldn't solidify because of my absence from C4 (no, Ami, that's not pointed at you at all).

Think about it. What brings all of us together? Star Wars. Why is there now a distance? Well, C4 is over; there is nothing Star Wars coming for at least a year. No wonder why every one's scattered.

However, at the end of the day, when you turn to talk to someone that used to be there, someone that you held high in the relm of friendship, someone that you have been friends with since the time of RoTS and they are no longer there, no longer responding, it hurts.

It's no wonder I've always related with Lord Vader. Lately, I've been feeling a lot like him. Feeling betrayed, hurt, selfish (yes, I am admitting it), left without the understanding of why I am being treated the way that I am when I know that I am way better than how I am being treated.

In addition, I am jealous of people who seem to have everything going their way. I am trapped in my life, for circumstances I can't explain here, and it seems that my life is going to be the same way for as long as I am here on this planet.... Or at least until the kids are old enough to make their own decisions.

I've never been in touch with Padme's feelings. You all know that. However, on the flip side of my coin, I have been feeling like Padme when she is looking out across the landscape to where Anakin is after he's turned to the dark side. Feeling saddened by all the events currently taking place in her life. Wondering when all this sadness and frustration will end.

I wonder when things will finally start going my way; wonder when my frustration will cease and my sadness will lift.

I think I need to sit down, finish my Harry Potter book and get back to my roots. It seems that all this sadness and displeasure started when I took a break from the SW universe. Perhaps when I go back to visit the GFFA, once I finish the HP saga, life will seem a bit better again (God, I just sounded like Anakin in AoTC after he's killed the Raiders and is talking to Padme about what he's done).

Well, thanks for reading my little tangent. Not sure where it came from. Just a bunch of feelings that needed to come out, I suppose.

To my friends, (((HUGS)))